Wide Awake And Dreaming
Last night I dreamt of a house with lots of rooms that all connected to one another in straight lines, with wide windows. All the bedrooms on the 2nd floor were light and bright, and overlooked a clean wide deck with a bright horizon. On the first floor there was an atrium of light, with a bathroom and kitchen, a broad square table with lots of seats. An abundance of glassware, serving bowls, utensils. Everything was ready. The whole side of the house facing out to that same horizon line was open in conertina doors. The room continued outside and down a level. On the right hand side of the house was a swimming pool with a tiled mosaic in the bottom, and lush patches of bush.
My mother, sisters and stepdad were all there, and i was showing them the house that I was living in, showing them the home I had made, the life that was successful. It was a different kind of success, but it was rich and deep and felt connected to all things. There were lots of memories waiting for that house, memories of rooms crammed full of people and stories and laughing. Memories of intimate moments and crowded thoughts. I had this amazing sense of peace about being home. There was water in the distance and strong trees all around.
It was one of those dreams where you are so awake in the dream, and it’s so vivid that it’s more like real life than nothing, and you wake up feeling like you haven’t slept but you’ve been in the midst of the frenetic activity your sub-conscious creates for you. It’s a strange thing these dreams.
(once like a spark)
if strangers meet
not poor not rich
i not not you
deep our most are
(and so to dark)
Work And Play
When asked by an absent friend what I was up to – I summarised.. work/faith/employment crisis. I mentioned that I may have to shoot myself soon. He promised not to be the one to pull the trigger – however humourous though, the case remains. I’m in a state of flux about where this all fits together.
I have an interview with Elders tomorrow for a job position here. Seems interesting but it’s not enough to live on. There’s every reason in the book as to why it’s not a full-time position (namely that hardly anyone here is fulltime). But it doesn’t make it right. But Eastercamp doesn’t pay me enough to live either. That means I’m in interesting waters – again looking at the possibility of full-time secular work to support my volunteer time. Which I’m not opposed to, just disappointed in.
Luke had some good advice – the youth ministry is about to undergo a review and that process will undoubtedly be painful and detailed. Probably not a great time to be a part-time employee with extra loading of expectations and pressure to perform in limited circumstances, in an unlimited way. My experience of multiple employers in the past, holds true, that they always expect to be your number one priority. Luke suggested that it’s a much better time to be a volunteer with high ownership than an employee with limited resource and power to instigate progressive change. I have a tendency to agree, but still find the career management of ministry distasteful.
I’m not sure where the future will be.