Curious Attractions.

I’ve had a front row seat to the strange ties that bind recently, watching and doing my best to speak truth into awkward situations between boys and girls. Loves and attractions that began so innocently and eventually became frail imitations of life-giving love.

How do you tell someone that their friendship is based on a web of lies, deceit, ill mental health and ugliness beneath a smile, turn of head and vivaciousness that catches their attention more than once?

How do you play the pessimist, the realist, the truthteller to the memory’s optimism as heartbreak plays out it’s long slow game? A sure sign of two hearts not in time, when they break at such a different pace, where one is left again breaking in the wake of truth.

What is it that draws one person to another? Curious attractions are these, beyond my understanding and knowledge…

How do you do these things and maintain an awkward intimacy and strange distance? My heart cannot feel or understand the heart of another nearly enough to share or embrace the pain in such a way as to have enough grace or mercy. I simply have to love my friend from the depths of my own self, speak truth from what I know and hope, that I am not breaking, hardening, losing something precious to us in the space and time of it.

Maybe there are some spaces that it’s better not be in the middle of? Maybe in the midst of these curious attractions.. it’s better not to be coloured by my presence here… I would rather be seen with clean eyes, unfiltered with bad taste.

I feel the edge of my tongue is too sharp, the weight of my words too much. I’ve waded into the midst of a pool, too deep, too dark, too murky for me to be here. There’s too much subtext and pain that causes me shivers.

The murkiness of the human character is often still too much for me. The heaviness too much to carry, to hold, to know.

I shouldn’t have been here, in this place for my heart feels too uncomfortable here.

Song Of The Moment : What If I
by Joshua Radin

What if you
Could wish me away
What if you
Spoke those words today
I wonder if you’d miss me
When I’m gone
It’s come to this, release me
I’ll leave before the dawn
But for tonight
I’ll stay here with you
Yes, for tonight
I’ll lay here with you
But when the sun hits your eyes
Through your window
There’ll be nothing you can do
What if you
Could hear this song
What if I
Felt like I belong
I might not be leaving so soon
Began the night believing
I loved you in the moonlight
So, for tonight
I’ll stay here with you
Yes, for tonight
I’ll lay here with you
But when the sun hits your eyes
Through your window
There’ll be nothing you can do
I could’ve treated you better
Better than this
Well, I’m gone, this song’s your letter
Can’t stay in one place
So, for tonight
I’ll stay here with you
Yes, for tonight
I’ll lay here with you
But when the sun hits your eyes
Through your window
There’ll be nothing you can do

What do you think?