Living In The Context Of Unknown Grace.

I’m sitting under a tin roof on a hot summer night, waiting for the rain that I can hear gathering in the skies above me. The wind is starting to wrap itself around my wee house with shuddering power, impending force. I long for the wind and the rain in this moment, when the air is humid and heavy with expectation. Something physical needs to break to relieve the tension within the atmosphere. When the rain comes, it’s going to beat and thrash down upon my roof and as it rides a rhythm over my head, my heart will hear the beat and learn to breathe again, I’m sure.

The environment is thick and heavy at the moment. I’ve come home into a mountain of work and a mountain of interpersonal pain and sorrows unfolding with people that I love so dearly. It’s so heartwrenching to see so much pain and darkness, so much shadow casting doubt and confusion. My heart and head is screaming out for truth and light, knowing that nothing is so bad in the knowing that is can’t be better than the endless fear of not knowing and ignoring.

It feels as if there are some who are dear to me, lost in a cavern where Grace is entirely absent. If you listen to Bomo at all, you’ll know that Grace is so important to our existence as human beings, without it we perish first in heart, then mind, body and soul. I am yearning for Grace in the light and in the darkness, and for one to illuminate the other and healing to burst forth like the noon day sun.

just tell me honestly and quick now
everything on your mind, clouding up the sky
breaking my heart is not so easy,
my grace allows
the darkness and the strife,
my heart stays in the light listening to
the thunder start to roll
but still i know, you’re worth it in the end
and the storm above can blow
but close i’ll hold you so
until forever is something we both can recognise
along with the colour in the sky
return to blue

Bring healing, to this place and these people. Amen.

Stop Apologising For Yourself, Please.
We were filming today for a client, creating some nice little films of people sharing their stories. To my ongoing horror, our poor subjects continually apologised for themselves, over and over and over again. These are accomplished and capable people.

Is it that we have created such a culture of compliance to constructive criticism within the Church at large, we have forgotten how to simply relax and be good at anything? More importantly, we’ve learnt to take everything too seriously instead of relaxing into the fullness of our being. How much it grates me to think of apologising for an as yet imperfect work still in the hands of the Master.

There are so many with whom I just want to say… breath. You are just so fine as you are, don’t be in so much of a hurry to rid yourself of the delightful faults that make us human – that you lose all the character you were born with! darned Kiwi psyche that robs people of their natural worth and instills this church-born false mythology of modesty, inverted pride and ruthless self-centredness. It’s more than that though…

We become so dependant on those whom we rely on for honest evaluation, that we almost allow ourselves to be critiqued to death. The earnest and well meaning search for perfection becomes engrained in our self-awareness, our confidence able to be undermined in a single moment. It robs from our humanity, steals from our soul and can cause us to squander that which is most powerful within us .. our very own voice. When did we become so uncertain and ashamed of our own voices? When did we begin to seek such strong validation of that which we long to speak but so often do not say?

When did we, blessed with a Grace unsurpassed, being living in the context of Grace unknown? To fully embrace the practice and presence of Grace in our lives, first we must know and accept our need of it, our ability and willingness to make mistakes.

A Prayer Then…
That each of us would in turn, know our voice better than ever before, with fullness of tone, of intention, of expression. That we would, with much courage, speak and live fearlessly.. balancing our construction with our resurrection into this Jesus-life, that effortlessly makes space for Grace.

Song Of The Moment : Sorry To Myself
By Alanis Morissette

For hearing all my doubts so selectively and
For continuing my numbing love endlessly.
For helping you and myself: not even considering
For beating myself up and over functioning.

To whom do I owe the biggest apology?
No one’s been crueller than I’ve been to me.

For letting you decide if I indeed was desirable
For myself love being so embarrassingly conditional.
And for denying myself to somehow make us compatible
And for trying to fit a rectangle into a ball.

And to whom do I owe the biggest apology?
No one’s been crueller than I’ve been to me.

I’m sorry to myself. My apologies begin here before everybody else.
I’m sorry to myself. For treating me worse than I would anybody else.

For blaming myself for your unhappiness
And for my impatience when I was perfect where I was.
Ignoring all the signs that I was not ready,
And expecting myself to be where you wanted me to be.

To whom do I owe the first apology?
No one’s been crueller than I’ve been to me.

And I’m sorry to myself. My apologies begin here before everybody else.
I’m sorry to myself. For treating me worse than I would anybody else.

Well, I wonder which crime is the biggest ?
Forgetting you or forgetting myself…
Had I heeded the wisdom of the latter,
I would’ve naturally loved the former.

For ignoring you: my highest voices.
For smiling when my strife was all too obvious.
For being so disassociated from my body,
And for not letting go when it would’ve been the kindest thing.

To whom do I owe the biggest apology?
No one’s been crueler than I’ve been to me.

And I’m sorry to myself. My apologies begin here before everybody else
I’m sorry to myself. For treating me worse than I would anybody else.
I’m sorry to myself. My apologies begin here before everybody else
I’m sorry to myself. For treating me worse than I would anybody else

What do you think?