by tashmcgill | May 23, 2005 | Uncategorized

Leading Me On

tonight at 1am i’m still alive
i can feel it pulsing through my fingertips
a life being breathed in and out of my body
this hope being stirred deep within

tonight at 1am
the moon is a wonderful compass of love
so bright and full and shining down
lighting up the darkness like daylight

tonight we met to write songs, except none of them came easy tonight. The chords were right but the words didn’t sit easy, my melodies were boring and too old, there was too much noise in the room. And in the admitting of the disease of it, I had the opportunity to be lead tonight, which doesn’t happen very often.

I sat back and was lead through a confessing, adoring, sacrifical, honest, deep and heartfelt prayer. It spoke to my spirit and life in deeper ways than the pray-er will ever know. In the depths of the quiet and stillness, with one soft, deep voice uttering the deepest and most precious parts of my whole self, I was taken to the foot of Christ. He confessed for me, our shared dalliance from seeking the kingdom first, renewed my vows of Christ before all else. Commitment to risktaking and living wide was restored. I sat in stillness and quietness and I did not wish to be anywhere else, or with anyone else, or about anything else in that moment, than the pure unadulterated joy of being in the Presence of God. Not just in His Presence, but at His feet, and in His arms all at once. There has been no finer moment of worship in my life for some weeks.

It wasn’t until driving home under the light of the full, bright moon that things started to settle in my belly, heavy and soft. Like something had been birthed there once again. Things are starting to be made new again.

by tashmcgill | May 19, 2005 | Uncategorized

In The Morning We Will Rise
All night tonight I have been waiting for the inspiration to come to me. I thought it would have arrived by now, but I’m still here sitting, and I need to sleep. I’ve been playing over the same 6 chords on my guitar, strumming to the same rhythm; trying to finish off a verse, to a chorus that’s just about perfect. It’s been too long since we sat down to finish a song.

Danielle is finally coming Down Under and I just today really got excited. I had a day off classes, and nothing too urgent but some assignments. I took the day off basically, to read in the morning and then some research in the Library in the afternoon.

Truth be told I was a little bit relating-deficient today, so I pursued some cross-town friendship at the Atomic. I rang Stu to see what he was up to, and he suggested Atomic vs. spending $$ on cellphone bills. I’m going to let him continue to think that coffee was his idea.

Coffee was good. It always is, but it was especially nice to spend time with Stu who has some of the same gentleness as Wendy does, and yet they are so different. We talked about Easter and life, ministry, grief, lots of things. It helped me to feel more connected to reality again. Finding my way back to life again in the midst of all this personal discovery is quite important.

I still haven’t really answered any of my questions about how this subconscious and now public grieveing processed may or may not have affected my ministry. Stu seemed unconvinced, which would be good honestly. I am reminded, or rather, have been reminded, that the wounds I walk with may be the very thing that defines and personalizes a program of relatively ordinary youth ministry.

We also talked about misconceptions briefly, and laughed quietly and almost shamefully at some unfortunate ones. Needless to say, sometimes it is good to be reminded of the humanity all around me, that I am simply included in the mass of people who sometimes take things the wrong way.

Later On, Inspired By The Short & Too Brief Coffee With Courage
I wrote some emails responding to some of the ‘feedback’ circuits we have been doing with the music team of late. I tried to speak to the personalities of the readers, and not out of my own mamma bear tendency, when it comes to my team. It was well-received and I am relieved about that.

I spoke about in the nature of Christian competition, mostly to do with the pursuit of excellent when working with creative types, that humility does not always present itself as equality, and so there may be times where one group appears better at something than the other, and inevitably those ‘positions’ will move and shift all the time as we grow and experiment, develop our own styles.

I think that there is strong argument for the presence of healthy competition.. the sense with which another athlete training in the same circuit as you, will push harder and ultimately improve your game. But.. I have to ask, is there a Spiritual Competitive-ness that sneaks into some of the wider discussions about church?

It is probably a very simplistic thought but after a discussion on Friday, coming back from Janelle’s funeral, I was again left thinking, so much of the ideology of Emerging Church, is just that… Ideology. It’s not a new theology of Church, it’s just a new group making stylistic overtures towards the way things ought to be done.

By this I mean, there are simply so many people jumping on a bandwagon of emerging church, who really have done very little discussion or reading or conversation with either or both or many sides of this ‘progression’. It will be interesting to see what some fairly solid, mainstream, modern practitioners come back with from the extremely exclusive and elitest Hui in Wellington.

Small Pout
I’m taking issue with the fact, that even though I am normally extremely current with Christendom activities like the aforementioned hui, I haven’t seen any publicity, conversation, or discussion that makes me think or feel remotely welcome, invited, established or deconstructed enough, well-known or ‘up&coming’ enough to attend. Hence, I am already skeptical about what shape any feedback out of it will take. This is not because of the quality of people sharing, I respect almost all of them very much, except for a couple I do not know. However something about the nature of people attending, a number of seemingly innocent but potentially dangerous demographical trends just makes me think… well…. is this a step in discussion and journey, or simply another way in which people damage their own creditibility, or worse… create strategies for development, integration and practice within communities that are not yet even aware the kind of ’emerging journey’ they might be about to find themselves on. Put out, that no one is suggesting or requesting my attendance? Absolutely.. I’m sure I’m going to miss some good times, however I also believe that there is another group of ’emerging practioners’ out there that’s maybe a little left-field even for the emergents. So left-field that we’re right back in the mainstream.

by tashmcgill | May 13, 2005 | Uncategorized

One Sweet Day
This year at Easter we were privileged to shared in the story of the Hewlett family for a brief time. Charles Hewlett is on staff at Carey College, and his daughter was born perfect 12 years ago. He and his wife Joanne celebrated the way all parents do, until noticing that certain milestones of development weren’t happening for Janelle. They took her to the doctors, to discover that she had a brain tumour. It was a tumour that was meant to take her life within a year of it’s discovery. Then the year after that, and the year after that. 12 years on, today we celebrated her life with her parents, grandparents, teachers and friends. But the remarkable story here, isn’t that of Janelle’s death, but of her life. Her illness rendered her infantile in a growing and changing body. Unable to use words or speech, her communication was limited, but emphatic. Her parents have spent the past 12 years loving her with unconditional passion, love & support. Today, they stood in front of a community and thanked God for every small and good thing that they remembered of Janelle. They were small things, and it was humbling. 12 years worth of longing for a conversation, a ‘mum’ or ‘dad’, of nappy-changing and watching a little girl who was regal, suffering so has produced two remarkable followers of Jesus, and has asked more of all of us.

For whatever reason, Janelle’s illness was nothing genetic, however, her younger brother is severely intellectually handicapped also. Two parents, who remain relatively unrecognised or acknowledge by their children. Two children who are experiencing the remarkable love of the Father, and know not what they have.

Our Prayer
Our Father who lives in heaven
How beautiful your name
May you be honoured in this place

Amen

by tashmcgill | May 11, 2005 | Uncategorized

Fun Times In Logos
Wend the darling, was up from Hamilton today, visiting the Carey open day. Tonight, after a wedding rehearsal (luke & katie), youth group mayhem (playdough pictionary) and flat cellphone battery disaster of pic proportions; I met the lovely Wend and spunky Dan at Logos in Ponsonby. I felt very special because Dan showed me his cool capoeira moves and all. Lots of crazy stories to tell but they will wait for tomorrow, because I am sooo tired.

More details to follow.

She’s Back In The Game
I read my own autobiography today in class before I decided to let a classmate read it. I felt encouraged and inspired reading my own words. Today in the car on the way to class, I adopted & adapted Nouwen’s technique from The Inner Voice Of Love and started to talk to myself in imperatives, both describing the context and content of my heart and mind, and talking myself into where to from here. Seemed like an interesting exercise, especially when I was talking to my Dictaphone and then played it back to myself.

I have made some discoveries in the past week. By sinking into the depths of Nouwen’s experiences, things started to unpack and unfold. I started to see patterns of feeling, thinking, breathing and relational living in my own life that were disturbing. To the point where I felt like I had apologies to make. And then in class yesterday, we were talking about grief. The stages of grief, the look of grief, the management of grief. And to my horror and my relief, I recognized myself in between the lines of my class notes. I realized that everything that has been wrong with me for the past couple of years stems out of the fact that I’ve been in a grieving process without even realizing it. Well, I realized it. I knew that I was dealing with emotional baggage from events of years past, but I didn’t associate what I was experiencing with grief. However, put into the context of Grief, being exactly what I’m unpacking and going through.. creates some incredible freedom and relief with a deep sense of revelation. Understanding.. that the catalyst for the grieving process to begin was exactly that.. a catalyst, not the actual offence.

So… have a read of two things.. my autobiography of leadership .. or God at work in my life, and then tomorrow I’ll post the transcript of how I spoke to myself and ministered the Grace of God today.

Hmm. I’ll read it too, and then we’ll see how it’s looking on the other side.

Leadership Autobiography
The most powerful experiences of leadership in my life, where I have had the role of primary leader, have been in my current role at Windsor Park Baptist Church as leader of one of the high school home groups, leader of a creative ministry team and my ongoing leadership of the Programming Team at Eastercamp. I have been leading at Windsor Park Baptist Church since 2003, and involved with Eastercamp since 1999. Over time, both roles have developed and changed according to needs, employment circumstances and skill development. My role at Windsor Park Baptist Church is a training role, where I operate under supervision of a senior youth pastor, running a weekly programme for young people, managing a young adult music and production team and running some of the community events. My involvement in Eastercamp includes being part of the Eastercamp Vision Team, as well as taking responsibility for a number of administrative tasks outside the immediate area of Programming. The programming role requires working closely under the Camp Director, crafting theme, vision and purpose for the camp communication meetings, then leading the production team backstage through the execution of the programme.

My significant leadership experiences in all the above mentioned roles have significance in different ways. In my leadership role within the Pulse youth home group, the significant learning experience has been change management, transitions between preceding leadership and my own, casting and maintaining, as well as shaping and understanding the vision for the work God is doing amongst those young people. The transition was painful and slow, but gave certainty and expression to my own leadership style as I was pressed and challenged to take on the vision of someone else.

Leadership within a young adult team of creative people is an altogether different experience, but certainly significant. I came into this role with far more inherent confidence in what I am capable of, and how I could contribute to the sum of the whole. There was a suitable period of observation and then discussion, until trust was built and there was opportunity to catalyze change forward. The opportunity to create and dialogue strategy with peers has played a formative part in my development of leadership understanding as and how I relate to peers and communicate concepts and ideas.

Eastercamp 2004 was a pivotal year in the expression, understanding and development of my leadership role there. I stepped above and outside boundaries lines to take a leadership role that has developed into a somewhat priestly gesture towards my production team. Struck by the thought that some of my best spiritual leadership or any kind of leadership happens behind the backstage curtain, without being seen by those above me or beside me, has only spurred me on to take greater risks, explore deeper levels and set higher goals. Consequently, the development of relationship, team, and backstage practices has only increased. Partly I was personally challenged to “show off more” by a guest speaker at the camp, and further on from that I became aware of how easily one’s ability can be boxed in, and efforts must be made to constantly stretch myself out, as well as striving towards higher career goals. As a result of all three experiences, I now take every opportunity to lead very seriously, but in what I might offer and what I might learn.

Those who work alongside me would probably describe my leadership as highly relational, highly observational and intense. Certainly I receive high levels of thanks and gratitude from the Eastercamp production team, ultimately they appreciate the holistic sense with which I operate, the concern I demonstrate for their wellbeing, and the way I focus on the wider strategy or plan even in the light of perceived failure or challenges. I require of myself that I open doors, create opportunities and make space for younger and developing leadership, ability and talent and because of that, young people under my leadership especially feel empowered and like valid participants in the life of our church. I think that they also find me hard to work with in that I maintain a fairly fluid approach to leadership; I like to be flexible and ultimately believe that good form allows for moveable function. As a leader, the things that I am passionately connected to remain close to my heart and I have to work hard to maintain objectivity that makes me approachable.

If there was one biblical model or passage that is most influential in the way I consider my leadership, it’s a nearly impossible distinction. The justice themes of Isaiah 58, the restorative methodology of Nehemiah, the highly relational and engaged leadership of Jesus and the priestly nuances of David as both King and lead worshipper all influence me in different ways as I am learning my own leadership. I am still young and therefore, I am still learning and comprehending information that is providing critical formation to leadership understanding and practice; I am also still learning to recognize that which is genetic inheritance from parental talents and influence, environmental influence and those elements of leadership that have come from my own reflections through the years. Mostly the biblical model I follow is Peter, post-Restoration. Peter is constantly pushing deeper towards God in sp

ite of his hindrances, failures and foot-in-mouth disease. Despite being rough and ready, he takes a primary leadership role that only matures and grows throughout the New Testament accounts. I hold tight to the restorative examples of God at work in my own life.

The need for a positive manner of dealing with failure is crucial to my journey as a leader. I count myself now, an ‘experimentuer’. A combination of entrepreneur and experimenter in one role. Inevitably I have seen a large number of ideas across my ministry platforms rise to small successes, large successes and large failures. Despite that some failures may appear small, all failures feel large. There are plenty of examples that I could choose to demonstrate the necessity of developing good practical theology around failure and then being able to lead yourself and others through it. One poignant example was leaving my first adult church experience after 5 years of learning how not to do church. I left downhearted and downtrodden about my ideas, my faith, my understanding of God. However, I left convinced that Truth was still out there but that I was far away from it, not being able to stick out the storm, but rather bolting for the high ground.

Other extraordinary experiences that have largely affected my leadership have been positive; mainly in the area of encouragement and mentorship. The first time that I was given opportunity to lead worship and being coached through that by someone who made themselves wholeheartedly available taught me the importance of belief and encouragement; opportunities to work within the Eastercamp team represented a number of doors opened from the inside out, with smiling and encouraging hands leading me through to experiences that would shape, stretch and pull me. They provoked reactions of loyalty, intensity, commitment and fire within me. I learned the power of empowerment and encouragement; and added it to my arsenal of leadership tools. Looking back, I was not aware of the precise work going on under the surface, but with hindsight see how formative these years were in my life.

Significant character development comes from significant experiences, not as the only option for growth, but as an important component of it. My life has been shaped by intense emotions and experiences of disorientation and reorientation. As a small child the divorce of my parents stripped away the understanding that I had of authority within church structures, as well as the role of elders. Learning from these experiences comes in the form of long discussions with parents, pastors and ultimately God; in the hope of understanding some of the ways it continues to affect me today. Ultimately though, healing comes only in a combination of time and the involvement of the Holy Spirit. Recently, the experience of choosing other priorities over the fulfillment or pursuit of deeper love with a close friend led to long dark nights of the soul, as I wrestled with the value system I have chosen, as well as my ultimate purpose here in this space and place. Henri Nouwen writes of the wound of love that goes deep, so love comes from a continually deeper place. A greater sense of what I have tends to dominate the landscape, rather than the darkness that might point out what I have not. In going through a grieving process that enables you to ask deep, probing questions of meaning and value, I am more certain of the ‘call’ than ever, and more certain of my need for God’s grace.

I have been led by wonderful capable leaders who have empowered, encouraged, taught, focused, driven and cared for me. They have inspired me with the idea of what team, family, community can look like. But I have also been highly discouraged, and in some aspects driven towards taking on leadership roles from a sense of what I could achieve given the same opportunities. Poor leaders that have inevitably been focused on goals that didn’t reflect the heartbeat of the community. They have stifled the learning and challenging process. They are excellent teachers of what not to do. Most recently, it is with despair that I look up in the mirror to realize that my ability to critique and reinvent most possibilities, means I always have a list of what I can change and improve about life, music, playstation, structure and work load. As with anything, we work towards the purposes of God as best we can, with the very best of intentions. It is my intention to always observe leadership above me, beside me and below me to see what there is to be learned, what there is to offer and what there is to improve on. That’s the result of observation on my leadership.

Primary development issues for my leadership growth are complex. I must continue to address the key areas of leading up and sideways, without appearing arrogant or overly ambitious. I have big ideas, but I seek to serve God’s purposes honestly, according to what He is doing. Communication, trust building and history making are all crucial here. My current climate demands longevity and consistency, and these are traits that I must develop both in myself and in those above, below and around me.

There is a leadership challenge in remaining supple of mind and practice. I desire to pursue learning as a habit and a discipline, rather than the last and least deserving of my attention. To put education above other practical ministry needs is a hard challenge that must be met in order for me to progress to the level I desire with my studies. It requires the deepest commitment to personal discipline and motivation than I apply in any other area. Being able to demonstrate this kind of discipline, personal management and consistency is a vital part of being ready for what I believe God has in store.

Another ongoing leadership challenge is the careful balance of pressures. I have a ministry I do by way of call, one that I complete because of love and service, and another that I am involved with because of training. Discerning the will of God and continuing the spiritual practices that are an engrained habit are key and crucial now, as I begin to prepare for whatever lies ahead.

My desire and ambition for my leadership is simple. At the end of my life I would like to think that I will be as aware then as I am now, of how much I still have to learn. I intend to have seen dozens, if not hundreds of thousands of young people and leaders find a voice and thereby take on the challenge of leadership and Christ-like character themselves. I would like for my eulogy to mention that other people found empowerment, encouragement and care through my ministry. Ultimately nothing would be for my own gain, except to boast of what God has demonstrated through my life; his abundant grace and mission for the world lived out. I desire deeply to be a person of influence who is able to lead people wisely and live an honest Christ-like life. Those that I lead will surpass me, and they will be well-trained to let others surpass them. We all will grow together, for the sake of the Kingdom.

by tashmcgill | May 8, 2005 | Uncategorized

Song Of The Moment : The Other Side
David Gray

Meet me on the other side
Meet me on the other side
I’ll see you on the other side
See you on the other side

Honey now if I’m honest
I still don’t know what love is

It Sure Is Dark Out Here … Somebody Save Me.
Last week a coffee break with Stu and Nige saved me just a little bit. Reading, although not really connecting with Dani is saving me a little too. I miss you, girlie.

This weekend has been good, solid, back breaking but inspiring work with my young people. I’ve been silent since Wednesday on, because Wednesday night was gut wrenchingly difficult and I nearly wanted to throw in the towel. The difference between my ‘successful ministry’ (could there really be such a thing?) in the arts and my struggles in youth is primarily based around the desire for participation and ownership. All my pomo development ideas have to be thrown out the window when working with these very modern kids. Saturday, however, combined the arts and young people and was a riproaring success.

Tonight though.. I am in a dark and lonely place.

Maggi writes blogs this entry.. it captures my darkness well.

I am not winning enough battles, fighting the fight well enough, counting enough, or measuring enough to feel like anything is worthwhile at the moment. My dreams even, seem like feathers on slight whispers of wind, under gathering stormclouds.

Driving down the driveway tonight, to my little dark house, as lovely as she is, with my darkness inside me swelling and bursting out through teardrops.. I cannot even find heavy enough chords on my guitar to pour out my lament to any heavenly ears that are listening.

This isn’t really a spiritual post. It’s just a sad one. I need saving again, a companion on this faith path for a while. I’m reading Henri Nouwen’s The Inner Voice of Love and it wounds and heals me all at once. It speaks truth to me in deep places, not only because of similar experience, but because the Spirit of God is so deep in these places alongside me.

I wish though, at a time when I am pressing my young people strongly around their Holy Spirit theology, I was more secure in my own.

How desperate am I, for You, Spirit of God? How open and restless without your present Presence with me? How graciously you have given of Yourself to me, yet I ungratefully say, more.. It is not enough. Quicken Yourself to me, for I have need of you, to comfort me. I don’t wish for strength to continue, nor light for my path, simply to be comforted, oh Comforter.

Pray for me, that these words of Stu’s 131st Psalm become a present reality. Help me to remember my trust.

Psalm 131
Lord I have given up my pride,
I have placed my own opinions under your scrutiny
and I realise how unknowing I really am.

I am not concerned now with matters that are too difficult for me to understand
or with problems that I will never be able to solve.

These are your ocean,
and I acknowledge I can only dip my toes in from time to time,
but only you know how wide and deep it is.

So instead, I stop and reflect.
I divorce myself from the concerns of the things around me.
I stop.
Like a small child fallen asleep in its mother’s arms.
Safe, sound and cherished.
My busy passions and annoyances are quiet now.
Let me sleep.

People of Jesus, trust in him all the time.

Sleep for awhile and be content.
© Stu McGregor