by | Jul 30, 2006 | Uncategorized

Confessions
I have an amazing capacity to be petulant, stroppy, demanding and needy. I’m not high maintenance so long as I am feeling the love. If the love disappears or isn’t forthcoming then I definitely get a little testy.

So what is it about expectations that make them so deeply entrenched in the sub-conscious, so hard to shift and so impossible to appropriately articulate?

I’ve expoused my sorry love life to a couple of people who asked this week. One told me today that she felt sad for me when she left. Horrified, I smiled, choked and made a quick exit .. pride is such that the weakness of being pitied floored me for a moment or two. I’ve never thought of it that way, but I suppose that people must. And they probably shake their heads and sigh, thinking of all the things I know about myself that make me so difficult. So I sigh too, because I am so unwilling to change and yet so desperately desire difference.

I recognise the growing restless angst before I form the cutting phrase designed to chaff, I hear myself thinking through the actions that would be completely appropriate if my life was a black comedic movie, but it’s not, and I’m again surprised, at all the childhood I skipped over arriving in small bites under my surface skin, scarring all that’s underneath.

I so want to be gentle, gracious and easy. I know I am so hard, challenging and demanding. Difficult to love I’m sure, even in friendship to meet the need I seem to generate for myself .. yet I can barely remember a time of articulating it. I disappoint myself with my lack of ability to be truly honest with myself.

Similarly though – I found out today that my sister has been told what I’ve been told over the years about the ‘obvious effect of my parents’ divorce’. I’m not sure what I think about that to be honest.

by | Jul 26, 2006 | Uncategorized

Where Church Ought To Be
church ought to be an adjective, it ought to be an idea that forms in the back of your mind and on the tip of your tongue. it ought to feel familiar even if you’re a complete and total stranger. the kind of feeling that pervades you, when you connect with other human beings and have a sudden sense of the divine. try and lock down an idea like church into noun, a single, solid, tangible entity and you run into trouble. because it doesn’t feel as soft or pliable anymore. it doesn’t feel as messy or human as it’s intended to be. then inevitably the organic mess bursts out through the seams of well-constructed institutionalism and church feels broken.

that’s where modern church is. not broken, but sometimes it feels that way. it’s the right idea, but too well constructed to fit in to a lifestyle, where it used to and ought to be the lifestyle. we’ve deconstructed an all-encompassing faith that somehow made room for the transformational Divine to rest amongst the flesh and blood human race and made it bite-size. we’ve made it so small that the Divine is so big He has to rest outside church. that’s where we are now.. the idea, the feeling, the mess of it, trying to ooze out of the buildings and back into the hearts and minds of people.

by | Jul 19, 2006 | Uncategorized

Last Night’s Song Snippets

there are days when I remember you and on those days
your shadow falls over every other face I’ve loved
it’s true you were the worst to me but turns out
there is one love in this life and you were mine
your name is written on my palm and pressed against my heart

by | Jul 19, 2006 | Uncategorized

It’s A Very Rainy Wednesday In July
Saw Stu today for the first time since Queens Birthday weekend – and he made a small but slighting comment on my recent blogging status.

It’s been an interesting progression to start balancing the work persona with the church persona, with the me persona .. and figuring out where they all fit in the blogosphere.

Also – discussions to be written here ….excellence, matching values with expectations.. and future development… ah, yes. The blog is coming back, baby.

by | Jul 11, 2006 | Uncategorized



We Are Family
Uncle Eye has been home for the weekend and so Liam and Jesse are having a ball. Highly exciting times. I spent most of the weekend chilling out and getting ready for preaching on Sunday.

Preaching
Finished part 2 of a 2 week series. Phew. Actually I had a lot of fun this time around.