by tashmcgill | Jun 19, 2007 | Uncategorized
Do Not Wonder
do not wonder my darling
where my love grows
whether it grows towards you
makes itself a lantern to the lost
do not wonder, it grows
in the strongest part of me
the place nobody knows
my love does not grow in my thoughts
nor from my arms, strong and warm
as they are, they hold fast to all they
believe in. I believe in You, love
but there love does not grow.
not in my words, or hands, or face
nor where grace pushes through concrete cracks
my love does not grow where the weight of Your love rests
not in the heat or the rush or the gasp
do not wonder, my dear heart –
my love grows in the deep dark place
a place no one knows and barely I do
my love grows in the strongest part, my darling
my love grows in the intangible heart.
by tashmcgill | Jun 18, 2007 | god ideas, Uncategorized
One More Cup Of Coffee Before We Go
I love stories that weave the lives and thoughts of different people together into intersecting pathways of influence and joy. I especially love it when I’m in the story, and not just hearing the story. Usually there are moments in these stories that are more akin to movie scripts and sitcoms. Moments that are just life in all it’s fullness, and God’s serendipitous creativity in full swing. So today, I was a thread woven into a cloth that features Stu, Marko and Sam.
Back when Marko was planning his trip here, he introduced us by way of email, and Stu was already raving and ranting about Sam. That was in October last year. Then earlier this year, while Sam was up visiting Aucklanders.. I had lunch with Sam and Dave Wells, then Stu joined the party. Later than same day I think, Sam spoke at Stu’s youth group. Since then, for me there’s been a sense of a circle somehow connecting it all – and today, finally, after a long time we finally sat down at coffee uninterrupted and I discovered a desperately needed, healing and invigorating conversation.
“Sometime we should definitely have that coffee and conversation.”
It was so refreshing, mostly to have an enormous sense of ‘safety’ in that conversation – no danger of being misconstrued, there was plenty of space to say what I meant, or to explain myself properly. Talking about the balance of tensions between the Justice orientation of the Gospel and the role that worship and intimacy with Christ plays in our lives. Talking about the mirth and burden of carrying giftedness and humility in the same frail human shell. Wondering about answers to questions that will always remain answerless, but knowing that there’s freedom in wrestling with the unknown. Talked about finishing at Windsor in my paid role, and the transition, the wondering about new directions.
Sometimes you need the coffee and conversation from unexpected places, to remind who you are, when you’re not in the immediate context of your sorrow, or immersed entirely in the struggle. For me, this morning was a breath of sorely needed air, to a weary soul and lilting sail. We have similar mindsets, and different challenges, but there’s a certain sense of design and art in the weaving of these threads together at this point in time.
So, thanks Stu and Marko. Great weaving – it was a net to catch me this morning, completely unintentionally I’m sure. But that makes it all the more beautiful.
Song of the Moment : City Lights
by Blindside
I took a walk down 4th avenue when i saw it
A red line in the concrete
Leading somewhere out of sight
Something compelled me to stop
So i jumped over the fence
Started following from what appeared to be
The trail of a leaking tin can
Leading into the alley away from the light
Now this is what needs to be done
Blacklight shining in the dark
Brings out brightness more than in the sun
Do i dare to stay
Cause somehow i want to
Trade love for the city lights
You chose me to stay
Trade light for the city love
You chose me to stay
So now what if i continue this walk
The red line is taking me down trashcans lonely street
Yes the streets have neames but the people don’t
Or are they forgotten
And i’m starting to smell something beautiful
Though these streets are rotten
Trade love for the city lights
You chose me to stay
Trade light for the city love
You chose me to stay
The City Lights
Having spent time with another Wellingtonian today, it gave me a fresh glimpse of the city, the beauitful city that I live in. With so many people I know being about the business of planting churches these days.. It’s struck me that there is usually a passion for a place and a people alongside these initiatives.
I think that one of the things Auckland BYM has struggled with for a long time is a lack of leadership that’s committed to the passion, light, beauty and possibility that is found in the streets of this city. The enormous swell of city life, culture, immigrant influence, student and business empire that fairly bursts onto the borders of suburbia in quasi-city fringe villages like Grey Lynn, Ponsonby, Parnell, Mt Eden and Kingsland creates a magnificent palette of colour and texture to work with.
I see all that is beautiful and ugly in this place and it makes me think of this track… And i’m starting to smell something beautiful / Though these streets are rotten / Trade love for the city lights / You chose me to stay / Trade light for the city love / You chose me to stay…
In all the wondering of where to next, and to whom and who will be my people? .. this remains: my city is a city unloved but in my heart she is no longer desolate.. I’ve give anything to see her restored and being all she could be. Hmmm. Such is the life of a passionate city-lover. I’m a rare breed, that I could love Auckland so. But I do.
Another Cup Of Coffee For The Road
Dani rang me out of the blue on Friday and it was just perfect to blather on about everthing that’s been happening, and everything that’s going on over the other side of the Tasman… you bring light and joy and a sense of balance and love to my world. You are just divine, thank you for picking up the phone (even though you hate it) and dialling me up. It made a huge difference.
More Coffee and Conversation
I love the way our city is still small enough that you can run into someone you know and change your plans on the spur of the moment. The other week I was headed to a bookstore in my favourite village, to buy a new book and sit in one of my favourite cafes to thoroughly enjoy some quiet time for some fresh inspiration. Straight after parking, I walked around the corner and into another good friend. So we walked and talked up to the bookshop, where my book was not in stock, and down again to the dairy and back to the cafe. And instead of reading my way through someone else’s story and finding fresh inspiration in someone else’s words… I found it in the conversation that unfolded quite unexpectedly in front of me. Sometimes you just need the coffee and the conversation and things make much more sense.
Love, be satisfied that even
in silence, my heart cries out your name
(cripples me breathless)
in wonder of such brief syllables that make
such a weight. my tongue is thick on the
consonants (and takes flight in the vowels).
I know your name and the warmth that
springs up in my belly on it; whispered and dreamt
even in prayer is your name like sweetness
(on my tongue). I would wear you; like a garment
to be known by you, as you, like you (as your own).
My love is like a portrait of your name
in all richness (and freedom). Your name is the
sound of Love entering earth (and the heart being born)
and all at once becoming all (the beloved).
by tashmcgill | Jun 13, 2007 | god ideas, Uncategorized
It Finishes.
Last week was the official end of my tenure at Windsor Park. For nearly five years, I’ve been an intern or employed within the youth department there. On Sunday, we induct 2 new fulltime youth/young adult pastors. My job is finished, there’s no more cash to support part-time specialists. I’ve been asked to stay and continue in my role as volunteer youth leader and volunteer leader of the evening community creative ministries team. It’s a very strange time for me.
I had thought that I was going to finish at the end of June, and found out that wasn’t the case about 2 weeks before the day rolled around. Then it came and went without a phonecall, or an email. The kinds of things that would usually bring about scorn and criticism, frustration and disappointment in a forum like this. I’m just saying what happened to be honest about it, because it also gives us an opportunity to choose the response to have. Even those with the best of intentions and most genuine concerns, have a remarkable ability to screw up HR work. And I do mean HR, not PR..
Last night I was at the office until about 10.30pm or so, with my friend Rochelle, packing up, throwing out and redistributing the chaos of five years worth of ministry. Many of the photocopied lesson notes, bible study plans, creative ministy ideas and sessions have been collected, refined and definitive of my ‘ministry’ since I started with intermediates 11 years ago.
As I drove down my driveway last night, I was a little teary and a lot heavy-hearted. It just seems wrong that all that information, all those ideas of others and myself, all that time and effort is going to be stored in my head, my heart and my house, instead of at a church somewhere. Because there is a difference between being a volunteer and being a staff person, whether people realise you’re a staff person or not.
It must almost have something to do with how much we allow ourselves to invest in the work around us. That being a staff person gives you permission to care that much in a culture that does their bit, and then gets on with life.
I read Nouwen as I went to bed, with tears and sadness and uncertainty about what church will look like now, under these new hands, that need time to shape and stir and taste the community pot of Windsor Park…
“You have not yet fully found your place in your community. Your way of being present to your community may require times of absence, prayer, writing, or solitude. These too are times for your community. They allow you to be deeply present to your people and speak words that come from God in you. When it is part of your vocation to offer your people a vision that will nurture them and allow them to keep moving forward, it is crucial that you give yourself the time and space to let that vision mature in you and become an integral part of your being.
Your community needs you. but maybe not as a constant presence. Your community might need you as a presence that offers courage .and spiritual food for the journey, a presence that creates the safe ground in which others can grow and develop, a presence that belongs to the matrix of the comÂmunity. But your community also needs your creative absence.”
“Your future depends on how you decide to remember your past. Choose for the truth of what you know. Do not let your still anxious emotions distract you. As you keep choosing God, your emotions wi1l gradually give up their rebellion and be converted to the truth in you.”
The Inner Voice of Love – Henri Nouwen
by tashmcgill | Jun 12, 2007 | god ideas, Uncategorized
“We try and make the world safe, knowing that the world will never be safe as long as millions live in poverty so a few can live as they wish.” Shane Claiborne, The Irresistable Revolution
Song Of The Moment : Oh Sister
by Bob Dylan
Oh, sister, when I come to lie in your arms
You should not treat me like a stranger.
Our Father would not like the way that you act
And you must realize the danger.
Oh, sister, am I not a brother to you
And one deserving of affection?
And is our purpose not the same on this earth,
To love and follow his direction?
We grew up together
From the cradle to the grave
We died and were reborn
And then mysteriously saved.
Oh, sister, when I come to knock on your door,
Don’t turn away, you’ll create sorrow.
Time is an ocean but it ends at the shore
You may not see me tomorrow.
