Dear Kid.

Dear Kid.

by | May 8, 2016 | Family, Monologues

Here’s the deal, Kid. I thought you’d be here by now but the truth is, you may never arrive at all. But I’m still your mama – fiercely, entirely and utterly yours. So I wanted to tell you a few things so you’d always know. Like how I want to love you so well and walk with you through all your failures. How I want to teach you everything I’ve learned while waiting for you and how I’m trying to be the best I can be for your sake. This is for you, kid – love from your Mama.

Dear Kid,

I’ve been waiting for a while to write these things down. Hoping I’d have the chance to tell you face to face one of these days. But ‘one of these days’ seems to be getting further away. There was a time I hoped you’d be five or even ten years old by now, though in hindsight, I’d be a better Mama now than then.

I say ‘I would’ because there’s no guarantee that we’ll get the chance to meet, kid.

Yeah, let that sink in a minute. It’s not how I wanted it to turn out either. I’m sorry, my darling. If you make it – if the universe conspires our way and I play my part and do my best, if love sends me a chance that I don’t fuck up and that man who is kind, strong and true loves me and wants you…then, maybe.

Kid, there are so many ifs in this world. So I’ll tell you now, so you’ll always know.

I will love you fiercely and as well as I can. I won’t make promises I can’t keep about nappies or organic food, how design perfect your nursery will be or how well-accessorized your buggy may be. But you’ll be fed, clothed, bathed and loved. It’s how I love you that will make the difference.

I will learn how to love you and give you the chance to learn to love me. I’ll help you love and understand your Dad and he’ll probably help me out a lot too. I do want to promise you, that I’ll do my best to model partnership with your Dad and to love him deeply. I want you to grow up knowing what real love looks like, feels like, sounds like and that you came from it.

I can’t wait to see who you’ll be and I’ll do everything I can to celebrate that. I will never ask you to be less of yourself. I will do my best to help you navigate the world as you are.

I want to be that Mama that you can laugh with all the time, a trusted place for your secrets, the Queen of spontaneous adventures. I want us to be late home because we had to stop to watch the sunset. For our backyard to always be ready for a sleep out under the stars. I want to share my love of traveling and adventure with you – teach you how to travel light through life and how to find your way home always.

Oh, I hope you get to see the world with big wide eyes and to embrace the wonder I have at the stars and the moon. I want all those things for you and then, I want to walk you through every crisis and every failure. I want to help you learn how to pick yourself back up and what it really means to be resilient (because that was the toughest and loneliest lesson for me). I know you’ll have times of loneliness that I can’t fix, but I want to walk through it with you. And I will try, with shaking hands and tears and self-control, to embrace your rebellion when you need to find your independence.

I guess what I’m saying is, I’ll try to give you just enough but not so much that being your Mama is more about me than it is about you. I want to be good but I’m not perfect. You’ll learn that but the point is I’ll try. I’ll try not to control you, shape you too much to my liking, I’ll try to engage with you as a person and teach you what discipline you need but to always explain ‘why’.

I dream of the day you will explain parts of the world to me that I don’t know, because you see it differently. And my joy will be that I taught you to see, not what to see. You will be so different from me, kid – but I hope you get the parts of me I like most.

Like dinner parties, books and lazy Saturdays, pyjama days, eggs-in-a-basket, beaches, day-dreaming in the clouds, stopping to drink in all the senses. I hope you love to snuggle and hug your whole life long. Otherwise know I will always be chasing you for kisses and cuddles. Of course, the parts of me I like best are my love of physical touch, the storytelling, the music and creativity, the deep well of laughter and wild abandon and the empathy and compassion. I hope you get some of that – it’s the stuff I’ve learned how to navigate best. But then, your Dad will have a lot to teach you too. I promise to make space for him. In fact, I hope there are times when he is your whole world.

Of course, I want our house to be that house where all your friends come after school and to have parties for the sake of parties. I want you to grow up knowing the love and strength of family that is both blood and choice. You’ll have a dozen aunties and uncles who will love you as their own, I’m sure. And my darling, some of them will be weird. That’s important, because the weird ones are the good ones. I won’t be everything you need in life, neither will your Dad. You’ll need your weird aunties and uncles, your friends too, to help you learn how to be, how to live and how to navigate the world. You’ll need them to talk to when you’re mad with us – which is bound to happen.

It’s hard to talk you and not think about your Dad, so I’ll say this. No matter what happens to he and I, in the long road of life – I’ll have the best relationship with him that’s possible at any time. You’ll see us fight, no doubt, but I plan for you to see us make up too. To know what healthy communication looks like. I hope you’ll see us love more than anything else, to team up for you and beside you and for each other. I really want for you to see that grittiness is okay. It’s real and achievable. That real is the very best thing because you get to define it yourself. Of course – these are lessons that I’m still learning, kid, so I’m letting you know in advance.

It takes a lifetime to learn to be yourself and I won’t get to see it all, kid but I will do my best to set you up on the right path. Not a path that leads to a particular destination of being a ‘this’ or a ‘that’, but the path of learning. Learning how to learn, learning how to be, learning how to love well. Before I go, I plan to see you a long way towards being yourself.

I hope you’ll benefit from the lessons I’ve learned while waiting for you. You see, that’s what I’ve been doing. I know that I’ll only do my best by you, if I’m the best version of me there is. The truest version of me there is.

So I wake up each day and focus on being as healthy and strong as I can be physically. I want to climb mountains with you and throw you in the air and make love to your Dad for my whole life. Oh wait… you probably didn’t want to hear that last part. But it’s true. I want you to grow up in a world of positive, life-giving beautiful touch – a house that thrives on the vital energy of life.

I wake up each day and look to strengthen my mind. I’m still becoming myself and learning to have my own voice after all these years. I’m taking down decades of barricades at the moment and it’s for you as much as myself…. I want to love you in my full voice, kid. I’ll keep working on it, whether you arrive or not. When you get here, you’ll bring a bunch more lessons with you, I’m sure. I will try to prepare myself in advance.

So I wake up on Mother’s Day, kid – and I’m thinking of you. If you don’t ever make it, it’s okay. I promise. Everything I’ve learned waiting for you, I needed to know anyway. But I wanted you to know, kid, that I’m your Mama through and through. Even the idea of you is a gift I’m glad of, a point in the compass that guides my way. I’ve been your mother my whole life.

Rest easy, kid. Maybe soon. Keep an eye on the stars and the moon – I watch them too, and I believe in magic.

Love,

Mama.

 

Lessons I Learned From My Mother.

Lessons I Learned From My Mother.

by | Dec 14, 2014 | Culture & Ideas, Family

This is the second in a series of reflecting on lessons learned. I’m sharing them because I think it’s really important to consider how we learn from those around us. It’s about actively engaging in the learning process, throughout our lifetimes.

I think it’s universal that the relationships between mothers and daughters are complex. I know mine is, but in a good way.

When two women which such high-powered EQ co-exist in a variety of roles over decades, there is simply so much to navigate. The roles of nurture within a home, parenting, then be-friending, supporting, challenging, disciplining and helping create self-awareness – all these roles have become shared in our relationship. I’m grateful for that. I’ve learned a lot about how to love and serve a wide range of women in my life from this relationship with my mother. I’m also lucky to share some aspects of that relationship with my sisters, although no child has the same parenting relationship there is certainly plenty to learn and observe from our shared experiences.

As with Lessons My Father Taught Me, these are my words to describe what I’ve learned from a woman who raised me, teaches me and inspires me still.

  1. Fix the problem that starts with you.
    It used to drive me crazy as a teenager and young adult. Now I try to ask myself the question before I need Mum to – it’s a really powerful question. In any situation or conflict that didn’t go my way or I found myself in some sort of trouble, she would ask, ‘Well, what was your part in it? What did you do to get that reaction?’. It’s possibly the smartest way I started to learn the power of self-awareness, when to think before speaking and when to risk it regardless. It’s an incredibly powerful tool in forgiveness and reconciliation to be able to humbly own your own part in any conflict. There is rarely any shame in being responsible for your own actions, when it comes to making an apology.
  1. If there’s something you want, there’s always something you can do to get it.
    As much as my dad has taught me to always believe and look for hope, it’s my mother that has taught me to always consider what actions you can take to pursue the result you want. She’s an expert problem solver because of that, always looking for action you can take to move you closer to the goal.
  1. Just tell the truth and then we’ll deal with it.
    There’s not much to say about this. Other than, I’ve learned this is most valuable in relationships. Too often, it is in relationship with others that we struggle to be most truthful about what we think, what we feel and how that might affect each of us. So this, is possibly the singular most important thing, because it goes hand in hand with a promise. Just tell the truth (and I will be graceful enough to receive it well) and then we’ll deal with it.
  1. Let your brain rest on it, great solutions sometimes need time.
    I’ve lost count of the number of times I have talked to my mother about a problem or challenge I’m facing, only to have her call me back the next morning or email with a solution I never would have considered. From time to time, she’ll even say – ok, let me think about it and I’ll call you tomorrow. I’ve learned that our capacity to come up with creative solutions is often most effective when we let our instinct and subconscious have a few hours to wrestle with the problem first. Often now, I’ll come back from a meeting with a client and just need to sit and think about the information. It’s digesting time. It’s time for the genius within to do work.
  1. Creativity, hospitality, traditions and atmosphere welcome people in.
    I’m sitting at my mother’s house right now, surrounded with Christmas decorations. This is the first year in a long time we haven’t thrown a traditional Christmas decorating party with our extended family and friends. Mum has a knack for creating environments that people can enjoy, for hosting with enthusiasm and creating traditions that welcome other people into them. I realise that I carry many of these traits from her – annual parties, traditions and creating atmosphere for people to enjoy. I learned from her and I hope to teach my family the same.
  1. You make your family and then you choose it.
    Maybe it’s because we have a small and geographically dispersed family, or growing up in the church but for whatever reason, our extended family counts more friends than blood relatives. But they are close as close can be. Mum has consistently welcomed people into our family life, including our friends as we’ve grown. From that I’ve learned the value of investing in the children of your friends and known the peace that comes from making a family of friends, even as a single person.
  1. Always look for opportunities to connect people.
    Mention the word ‘networking’ and people sometimes visibly shudder. It conjures images of self-serving, rapid business card exchanges and a set of shallow, transactional relationships. I prefer the word ‘connecting’ because that’s what Mum does in her professional life and her work life. She is constantly connecting people to one another for no personal gain, but in a way that enriches others. I’ve learned from her that connecting other people is a rewarding process from which goodness comes.
  1. Be generous with your time, your love and your money.
    There’s a fine line between living a life of true generosity and living a life of obligation. From my mother, I’ve learned to give what you can, when you can. To make choices about generosity wisely is something I’m still learning, however I think the more you connect with giving something away for the sake of someone else and less for yourself, it matters less.
  1. Be active in your creativity and in your rest, so that you add to the world.
    My mum is a maker and a teacher. Of course, that’s not her job. But if you were to ask what my mother does, I would tell you she makes and she teaches. What makes her a good teacher? She offers what she knows without pretence. She shares her knowledge willingly. She makes constantly – whether it’s foodie treats (no one can beat her strawberry jam or tamarillo chutney), quilts, scrapbooks, room renovations – you name it, she is constantly making. She adds to the world. So I try to make, create and rest by adding something to the world.

There’s a way of living which is earnest, good and generous. It’s wholehearted and passionate, a force of nature and I aspire to live in that way too, in the steps of my mother.