by tashmcgill | Aug 23, 2007 | eastercamp, god ideas, Uncategorized
Living In Context
We work on the corner of Symonds St, Mt Eden Road and New North Road. We have several excellent coffeehouses in our immediate vicinity. We’re just up the road from Mt Eden Village, and from K’Rd. We’re equally as close to Kingsland and Newmarket. What’s all the geography go to do with it?
Well, in the small trapezium formed between those reference points, live and work lots of people that we know. I love the ritual of the drop-in, the treats run, the lunchtime coffees and the ‘walking’ route that leads me past the doorways of friends and others who are all in business, life, ministry and habitation in the vicinity of one another.
It seems to me to be good practice, to know the names and lives of the people at Altezano, at Canteen, at the various workplaces around here. It seems to me to be good practice to know the names of the homeless who make shelter around our office building. It also seems good practice to intentionally walk, and take notice of what is happening around us. More than just the changing billboards or street posters, but the businesses that open and shut, the parking wardens who get this round. It helps to feel grounded and connected to the “real world” that happens outside the office door.
For those of us that are in business literally ‘together’ (as much as location joins anyone together by proxy) – it is also good to be the presence of sanity and joy.
So, while I am waiting for my communal house or for my holistic community to grow.. I can at least take comfort in my holistic, communal work environment. Learn more names, greet more familiar faces. Make everyone feel like a regular in your world. That is the extension of the arms of Christ.
Confession
I can’t say too much more without spoiling the surprises but… suffice it to say..
I have been thinking a lot about the connection between secrets, secret lives, fantasy, sin, silence, darkness, hopelessness for young believers and Confession. I think that the Prodestant church has not excelled in providing a response to sin that expresses appropriately the grace, mercy and forgiveness of Christ.
After all, the Bride is designed to be the instrument of God’s grace to one another. But if we whisper our confessions in quiet, solitary prayer and let our tears fall alone – where can we hear the sacred words… you are FORGIVEN?
How much too, does our understanding of our forgiveness – the weight and the sanctity of it, affect our participation in Communion rituals? Thoughts welcome.
by tashmcgill | Aug 22, 2007 | god ideas, Uncategorized
Being Seen
So, as the exterior things change – the interior things are brought to light. I see more of myself and I’m letting more of myself be seen.
Also, it shows you something of the eyes people have. Some people have eyes that see everything of who you are, to the depths of you. They don’t recognise your skin as much as they recognise your soul.
Others have eyes that only see the skin, the colour of you.
I thought that as I saw people for the first time in months and they recognised the changes in me, that I would enjoy the surprise. But I enjoy more… the lack of it. I enjoy that they recognise me by my eyes and by my laugh first, before they take in the changes on the exterior. It’s good to be known by your soul.
by tashmcgill | Aug 13, 2007 | god ideas, Uncategorized
Song Of The Moment : Watch Over Me
Bernard Fanning
when trouble fills my world
you bring me peace
you calm me down
you’re my release
when walls come crashing around my feet
you light my way
you’re my release
so say you’ll watch over me
when i’m in too deep
tell me you’ll always be
there to pull me free
when the sun is beating down upon my brow
you are my shade
you cool me down
every time i tried to turn away
you brought me ’round
your humble way
so say you’ll watch over me
when i’m in too deep
tell me you’ll always be
there to pull me free
there to rescue me
for every time you sheltered me from harm
you showed me truth
kept me warm
every time you left me on the street
i found my way
i found my feet
so say you’ll watch over me
when i’m in too deep
tell me you’ll always be
there to pull me free
there to rescue me
there to pull me free
there to rescue me
One Bag, All My Possessions..
I’m in an interesting phase of life, where all the clothes I possess in the world fit into one bag. And that’s absolutely everything to do with being dressed, including toiletries, hairdryers, bits and pieces including 2 pairs of shoes.
And it’s not a very big bag. In fact, excusing toiletries thanks to the ridiculous rules, I could carry all the clothing-related items I own onto the plane I’m travelling on in October.
When I’m at home – they could all fit into one drawer, and it’s not a very big draw.
I really, really like the simplicity of this. I live in a small house with crazy old wallpaper and no insulation. I live with old furniture and hand-me-down things. The only things I have in excess are CD’s, art supplies and books. Oh, I like it very much.
by tashmcgill | Aug 9, 2007 | god ideas, Uncategorized
Praying… A Lesson In The Heart’s Desire
There were moments today of sheer joy, revelling in being able to find space to laugh, grieve, question, journey, be challenged by and delight in the company of good people. You are a more than good blessing.
When i was younger – about 14, and just returning to the Church in my heart, at least.. I read Psalm 37, in particular this verse:
Psalm 37:4
Delight yourself in the LORD and he will give you the desires of your heart.
For some strange reason, when I first read it, and everytime I have read it since I cannot help but thinking initially that the writer is referring to God literally giving us the desires of our heart. That as we delight in the Lord, our heart desires that which the Lord directs us, or gives us to desire.
How I managed to arrive at that as a young girl with an inevitably broken heart (broken by life, I might add… and later to be healed by life).. well, I’m not sure. The memory of that understanding came to me today though, over a long black as we talked about prayer, and the answers.
Prayer isn’t to be simplified to an asking | answering transaction. There is prayer that meditates, prayer that repents, prayer that listens, converses, argues, laments, pleads, adores, gives honour … and then there is the supplicatory prayer.
The prayer that asks. There is no moment that I can think of more intimate and yet more violated in some ways, than the moment of asking. We violate because we are still learning to pray and be satisfied with desires that are unanswered, and prayers that do not bring light, peace, hope or satisfaction. At best, we content ourselves with prayers that hope for understanding and the ability to accept, if nothing else.
To pray honestly and ask for the very things that we desire from God, must almost be the most human and honest prayer we can offer up. In that moment, there must be some new intimacy with God – where we are open with our weakness for the most unworthy or unrighteous of our desires, alongside our holy and courageous requests.
None of this provides a satisfactory answer for the unanswered prayer – our deep fear, our endless struggle. Proverbs 3 pleads with the wisdom in us, not to lean on our own understanding and yet it is our understanding of God’s ways that is mystified by the unanswered prayer. And the longer it sits with us, the more we become afraid to ask for it again, eventually becoming afraid to ask for many things.. and we lose the intimacy that comes with childlike faith to ask.
So many of us never ask for what we truly want because we are afraid that we do not really know what we want, therefore may get the request before heaven wrong.. leaving us either with a result we did not truly desire or with an unanswered prayer. But what I wanted when I was 10 is very different from what I wanted at 20, and what I desire now.
In equal parts, my prayer is shaped by my honest desires .. and my desires are shaped by my prayer. How does that happen? Certainly not by agonizing over my requests and judging their merit. Nor by withholding the foolish, momentary wants that my flesh craves from the heavenly One. If my Father would know me, then he must truly know all of me – the carnal, tortured parts of me, along with the justice-driven, mercy-drenched parts of me. What truth is there in my everlasting prayer conversation with God, if I close my mouth to what is unholy so my heart can still desire it in silence.
No, God – come into the depths of all those desires. Answer and leave me in silent unanswered oblivion until all parts of me are content to be uncomfortable without answers, with human and heavenly desires, with fear and faith all at once.
That which I once desired has passed into nothingness. My heart longs more for what is closer to the hand of God now, than when I was younger – because the desires of my foolish heart were left unanswered. My unanswered prayer led to my holier one.
So why – does God not answer prayer and why do we not pray more for the desires? I ask for strength to accept both, in blissful misunderstanding. May I delight in my honest conversation with you God, and find my desires become more and more like yours each day.
by tashmcgill | Jun 18, 2007 | god ideas, Uncategorized
One More Cup Of Coffee Before We Go
I love stories that weave the lives and thoughts of different people together into intersecting pathways of influence and joy. I especially love it when I’m in the story, and not just hearing the story. Usually there are moments in these stories that are more akin to movie scripts and sitcoms. Moments that are just life in all it’s fullness, and God’s serendipitous creativity in full swing. So today, I was a thread woven into a cloth that features Stu, Marko and Sam.
Back when Marko was planning his trip here, he introduced us by way of email, and Stu was already raving and ranting about Sam. That was in October last year. Then earlier this year, while Sam was up visiting Aucklanders.. I had lunch with Sam and Dave Wells, then Stu joined the party. Later than same day I think, Sam spoke at Stu’s youth group. Since then, for me there’s been a sense of a circle somehow connecting it all – and today, finally, after a long time we finally sat down at coffee uninterrupted and I discovered a desperately needed, healing and invigorating conversation.
“Sometime we should definitely have that coffee and conversation.”
It was so refreshing, mostly to have an enormous sense of ‘safety’ in that conversation – no danger of being misconstrued, there was plenty of space to say what I meant, or to explain myself properly. Talking about the balance of tensions between the Justice orientation of the Gospel and the role that worship and intimacy with Christ plays in our lives. Talking about the mirth and burden of carrying giftedness and humility in the same frail human shell. Wondering about answers to questions that will always remain answerless, but knowing that there’s freedom in wrestling with the unknown. Talked about finishing at Windsor in my paid role, and the transition, the wondering about new directions.
Sometimes you need the coffee and conversation from unexpected places, to remind who you are, when you’re not in the immediate context of your sorrow, or immersed entirely in the struggle. For me, this morning was a breath of sorely needed air, to a weary soul and lilting sail. We have similar mindsets, and different challenges, but there’s a certain sense of design and art in the weaving of these threads together at this point in time.
So, thanks Stu and Marko. Great weaving – it was a net to catch me this morning, completely unintentionally I’m sure. But that makes it all the more beautiful.
Song of the Moment : City Lights
by Blindside
I took a walk down 4th avenue when i saw it
A red line in the concrete
Leading somewhere out of sight
Something compelled me to stop
So i jumped over the fence
Started following from what appeared to be
The trail of a leaking tin can
Leading into the alley away from the light
Now this is what needs to be done
Blacklight shining in the dark
Brings out brightness more than in the sun
Do i dare to stay
Cause somehow i want to
Trade love for the city lights
You chose me to stay
Trade light for the city love
You chose me to stay
So now what if i continue this walk
The red line is taking me down trashcans lonely street
Yes the streets have neames but the people don’t
Or are they forgotten
And i’m starting to smell something beautiful
Though these streets are rotten
Trade love for the city lights
You chose me to stay
Trade light for the city love
You chose me to stay
The City Lights
Having spent time with another Wellingtonian today, it gave me a fresh glimpse of the city, the beauitful city that I live in. With so many people I know being about the business of planting churches these days.. It’s struck me that there is usually a passion for a place and a people alongside these initiatives.
I think that one of the things Auckland BYM has struggled with for a long time is a lack of leadership that’s committed to the passion, light, beauty and possibility that is found in the streets of this city. The enormous swell of city life, culture, immigrant influence, student and business empire that fairly bursts onto the borders of suburbia in quasi-city fringe villages like Grey Lynn, Ponsonby, Parnell, Mt Eden and Kingsland creates a magnificent palette of colour and texture to work with.
I see all that is beautiful and ugly in this place and it makes me think of this track… And i’m starting to smell something beautiful / Though these streets are rotten / Trade love for the city lights / You chose me to stay / Trade light for the city love / You chose me to stay…
In all the wondering of where to next, and to whom and who will be my people? .. this remains: my city is a city unloved but in my heart she is no longer desolate.. I’ve give anything to see her restored and being all she could be. Hmmm. Such is the life of a passionate city-lover. I’m a rare breed, that I could love Auckland so. But I do.
Another Cup Of Coffee For The Road
Dani rang me out of the blue on Friday and it was just perfect to blather on about everthing that’s been happening, and everything that’s going on over the other side of the Tasman… you bring light and joy and a sense of balance and love to my world. You are just divine, thank you for picking up the phone (even though you hate it) and dialling me up. It made a huge difference.
More Coffee and Conversation
I love the way our city is still small enough that you can run into someone you know and change your plans on the spur of the moment. The other week I was headed to a bookstore in my favourite village, to buy a new book and sit in one of my favourite cafes to thoroughly enjoy some quiet time for some fresh inspiration. Straight after parking, I walked around the corner and into another good friend. So we walked and talked up to the bookshop, where my book was not in stock, and down again to the dairy and back to the cafe. And instead of reading my way through someone else’s story and finding fresh inspiration in someone else’s words… I found it in the conversation that unfolded quite unexpectedly in front of me. Sometimes you just need the coffee and the conversation and things make much more sense.
Love, be satisfied that even
in silence, my heart cries out your name
(cripples me breathless)
in wonder of such brief syllables that make
such a weight. my tongue is thick on the
consonants (and takes flight in the vowels).
I know your name and the warmth that
springs up in my belly on it; whispered and dreamt
even in prayer is your name like sweetness
(on my tongue). I would wear you; like a garment
to be known by you, as you, like you (as your own).
My love is like a portrait of your name
in all richness (and freedom). Your name is the
sound of Love entering earth (and the heart being born)
and all at once becoming all (the beloved).
by tashmcgill | Jun 13, 2007 | god ideas, Uncategorized
It Finishes.
Last week was the official end of my tenure at Windsor Park. For nearly five years, I’ve been an intern or employed within the youth department there. On Sunday, we induct 2 new fulltime youth/young adult pastors. My job is finished, there’s no more cash to support part-time specialists. I’ve been asked to stay and continue in my role as volunteer youth leader and volunteer leader of the evening community creative ministries team. It’s a very strange time for me.
I had thought that I was going to finish at the end of June, and found out that wasn’t the case about 2 weeks before the day rolled around. Then it came and went without a phonecall, or an email. The kinds of things that would usually bring about scorn and criticism, frustration and disappointment in a forum like this. I’m just saying what happened to be honest about it, because it also gives us an opportunity to choose the response to have. Even those with the best of intentions and most genuine concerns, have a remarkable ability to screw up HR work. And I do mean HR, not PR..
Last night I was at the office until about 10.30pm or so, with my friend Rochelle, packing up, throwing out and redistributing the chaos of five years worth of ministry. Many of the photocopied lesson notes, bible study plans, creative ministy ideas and sessions have been collected, refined and definitive of my ‘ministry’ since I started with intermediates 11 years ago.
As I drove down my driveway last night, I was a little teary and a lot heavy-hearted. It just seems wrong that all that information, all those ideas of others and myself, all that time and effort is going to be stored in my head, my heart and my house, instead of at a church somewhere. Because there is a difference between being a volunteer and being a staff person, whether people realise you’re a staff person or not.
It must almost have something to do with how much we allow ourselves to invest in the work around us. That being a staff person gives you permission to care that much in a culture that does their bit, and then gets on with life.
I read Nouwen as I went to bed, with tears and sadness and uncertainty about what church will look like now, under these new hands, that need time to shape and stir and taste the community pot of Windsor Park…
“You have not yet fully found your place in your community. Your way of being present to your community may require times of absence, prayer, writing, or solitude. These too are times for your community. They allow you to be deeply present to your people and speak words that come from God in you. When it is part of your vocation to offer your people a vision that will nurture them and allow them to keep moving forward, it is crucial that you give yourself the time and space to let that vision mature in you and become an integral part of your being.
Your community needs you. but maybe not as a constant presence. Your community might need you as a presence that offers courage .and spiritual food for the journey, a presence that creates the safe ground in which others can grow and develop, a presence that belongs to the matrix of the comÂmunity. But your community also needs your creative absence.”
“Your future depends on how you decide to remember your past. Choose for the truth of what you know. Do not let your still anxious emotions distract you. As you keep choosing God, your emotions wi1l gradually give up their rebellion and be converted to the truth in you.”
The Inner Voice of Love – Henri Nouwen
