by tashmcgill | Jan 10, 2008 | god ideas, Uncategorized
I’m sitting under a tin roof on a hot summer night, waiting for the rain that I can hear gathering in the skies above me. The wind is starting to wrap itself around my wee house with shuddering power, impending force. I long for the wind and the rain in this moment, when the air is humid and heavy with expectation. Something physical needs to break to relieve the tension within the atmosphere. When the rain comes, it’s going to beat and thrash down upon my roof and as it rides a rhythm over my head, my heart will hear the beat and learn to breathe again, I’m sure.
The environment is thick and heavy at the moment. I’ve come home into a mountain of work and a mountain of interpersonal pain and sorrows unfolding with people that I love so dearly. It’s so heartwrenching to see so much pain and darkness, so much shadow casting doubt and confusion. My heart and head is screaming out for truth and light, knowing that nothing is so bad in the knowing that is can’t be better than the endless fear of not knowing and ignoring.
It feels as if there are some who are dear to me, lost in a cavern where Grace is entirely absent. If you listen to Bomo at all, you’ll know that Grace is so important to our existence as human beings, without it we perish first in heart, then mind, body and soul. I am yearning for Grace in the light and in the darkness, and for one to illuminate the other and healing to burst forth like the noon day sun.
just tell me honestly and quick now
everything on your mind, clouding up the sky
breaking my heart is not so easy,
my grace allows
the darkness and the strife,
my heart stays in the light listening to
the thunder start to roll
but still i know, you’re worth it in the end
and the storm above can blow
but close i’ll hold you so
until forever is something we both can recognise
along with the colour in the sky
return to blue
Bring healing, to this place and these people. Amen.
Stop Apologising For Yourself, Please.
We were filming today for a client, creating some nice little films of people sharing their stories. To my ongoing horror, our poor subjects continually apologised for themselves, over and over and over again. These are accomplished and capable people.
Is it that we have created such a culture of compliance to constructive criticism within the Church at large, we have forgotten how to simply relax and be good at anything? More importantly, we’ve learnt to take everything too seriously instead of relaxing into the fullness of our being. How much it grates me to think of apologising for an as yet imperfect work still in the hands of the Master.
There are so many with whom I just want to say… breath. You are just so fine as you are, don’t be in so much of a hurry to rid yourself of the delightful faults that make us human – that you lose all the character you were born with! darned Kiwi psyche that robs people of their natural worth and instills this church-born false mythology of modesty, inverted pride and ruthless self-centredness. It’s more than that though…
We become so dependant on those whom we rely on for honest evaluation, that we almost allow ourselves to be critiqued to death. The earnest and well meaning search for perfection becomes engrained in our self-awareness, our confidence able to be undermined in a single moment. It robs from our humanity, steals from our soul and can cause us to squander that which is most powerful within us .. our very own voice. When did we become so uncertain and ashamed of our own voices? When did we begin to seek such strong validation of that which we long to speak but so often do not say?
When did we, blessed with a Grace unsurpassed, being living in the context of Grace unknown? To fully embrace the practice and presence of Grace in our lives, first we must know and accept our need of it, our ability and willingness to make mistakes.
A Prayer Then…
That each of us would in turn, know our voice better than ever before, with fullness of tone, of intention, of expression. That we would, with much courage, speak and live fearlessly.. balancing our construction with our resurrection into this Jesus-life, that effortlessly makes space for Grace.
Song Of The Moment : Sorry To Myself
By Alanis Morissette
For hearing all my doubts so selectively and
For continuing my numbing love endlessly.
For helping you and myself: not even considering
For beating myself up and over functioning.
To whom do I owe the biggest apology?
No one’s been crueller than I’ve been to me.
For letting you decide if I indeed was desirable
For myself love being so embarrassingly conditional.
And for denying myself to somehow make us compatible
And for trying to fit a rectangle into a ball.
And to whom do I owe the biggest apology?
No one’s been crueller than I’ve been to me.
I’m sorry to myself. My apologies begin here before everybody else.
I’m sorry to myself. For treating me worse than I would anybody else.
For blaming myself for your unhappiness
And for my impatience when I was perfect where I was.
Ignoring all the signs that I was not ready,
And expecting myself to be where you wanted me to be.
To whom do I owe the first apology?
No one’s been crueller than I’ve been to me.
And I’m sorry to myself. My apologies begin here before everybody else.
I’m sorry to myself. For treating me worse than I would anybody else.
Well, I wonder which crime is the biggest ?
Forgetting you or forgetting myself…
Had I heeded the wisdom of the latter,
I would’ve naturally loved the former.
For ignoring you: my highest voices.
For smiling when my strife was all too obvious.
For being so disassociated from my body,
And for not letting go when it would’ve been the kindest thing.
To whom do I owe the biggest apology?
No one’s been crueler than I’ve been to me.
And I’m sorry to myself. My apologies begin here before everybody else
I’m sorry to myself. For treating me worse than I would anybody else.
I’m sorry to myself. My apologies begin here before everybody else
I’m sorry to myself. For treating me worse than I would anybody else
by tashmcgill | Jan 8, 2008 | eastercamp, god ideas, Uncategorized
Or Leaving Fielding.
Here is a story that started out a long time ago, and left it’s first chapter here. Another chapter begins here, where I’ve been part of the Soul Survivor world for five days. In a mere 72 days, Sam will enter the Eastercamp world where Marko was in 2007 and where Stu always has a place.
After this weekend, there are even more threads in the weaving, including old friends who are new youthworkers, and old friends who are being made new… and everything in between. The Lord has been good this week, with lots of healing happening in the lives of people around me.
Tonight I was watching Sam preach and I couldn’t keep the smile from growing bigger and bigger on my face. There is something so good and precious happening in his gifts that I can’t wait for the story to keep going at Easter. I was so stoked to hear him this weekend. Yay. Ok, enough ranting and raving.
We’re going to leave in about half an hour for the long trek back to Auckland, where I expect to encounter dawn somewhere. I’ll take a pause whereever we are at that point, and give thanks.
by tashmcgill | Jan 7, 2008 | god ideas, Uncategorized
It’s just after midnight and the rain is starting to fall hard on my tent, in the middle of a field in Feilding. It’s been an interesting day – working on usual work stuff and Fairfax deadlines whilst in the middle of a festival.
Personal highlights so far have included a couple of special chats with people in regards to the camp, ideas and structure. It’s also been great to have the chance to share what I hope and pray have been significant words with people I care about.
Today Rich Johnson and Matty Bruns from St Pauls turned up – Rich knows lots of people I know, so hopefully we’ll continue to have the opportunity to connect, especially because we are so closely proximated during the week. In a former life, I worked at the same radio station as Matty, and ocassionally churched together and generally have swung in some of the same circles. He’s just been employed as the youth and student worker at St Pauls, after a long time working for Attitude – a youth work organisation with a difference, working with inschool presentations on health and lifeskills.
Sam took us to lunch and we had the opportunity to talk long and hard about all sorts. It was really great to connect with Matty and have the opportunity to have mini-rants. I’m really hopeful of the opportunity to continue to connect, share ideas and sharpen one another. It’s all good.
Soul Survivor – More Thoughts.
1. Talking with Matty illuminated something I had been trying to put my finger on. There is an enormous sense of old school Summer Harvests from the mid-late 80’s and mid 90’s about Soul Survivor – in regards to the simplicity of the main programme. It’s all singing and speaking, then followed by waiting on God, more singing, more prayer. There’s nothing wrong with it at all but it doesn’t feel all complete either – so that’s something interesting to consider.
2. There is so much waiting on God and expectation of the Holy Spirit to move that one could almost feel drained of spontaneity. Even tonight when we engaged in a time of prayer and “waiting on the Holy Spirit” at the end of the first worship bracket – to the extent that Sam didn’t speak tonight and probably will tomorrow… but balance that with the beauty and gentleness of how God was speaking and moving tonight in that time. It was great to pray for people in this environment, even if it does feel like a timewarp to another time and space.
>Interject….
Is it a movement sideways, forward or back? Have we moved on with or without reason? There was a time when all the Baptist events I went to had this same flavour – and similarly amongst the Pentecostal church. Now there is a tangible absence – so what has changed? Us, the Spirit, the expectation, the preparedness?
3. With such a strong emphasis on prayer ministry, more specifically ministry of the Holy Spirit, where ‘prayers’ are referred to as ‘enablers’ and asked not to pray specifically other than to ‘bless’ and ‘pray with’ the work of the Holy Spirit; it seems really really out of place to not have a follow up process for kids/adults who are responding and experiencing significant things with the Spirit. There’s no response room or followup, rather the prayers pray without verification, qualification etc, and there are no names transferred. The work that is “God’s to do, not ours” .. also then stands alone from ongoing supportive community work and accountability.
4. Casual observation allows one to see a lot of personality types, leadership structures, leadership styles and habits when you have the freedom to simply watch and see how people operate with one another. It’s a lonely environment to a certain extent because the core of the whole ministry/mission project is built on relationships within a core group, that then radiate into other corresponding and intersecting relationships. Unless you are structurally integral to the core of those relationships – it’s easy to feel divorced from understanding the cultural emphasis and momentum of what’s goine on here. So – I have to learn to undo the eyes that see with what I commonly experience, and begin to see with new eyes that can learn from being in this place too.
by tashmcgill | Jan 7, 2008 | god ideas, Uncategorized
Please spare some thoughts and prayers right now for Kenya, especially the people at the heart of the conflict in Nairobi. You can read about the crisis online from a humanitarian perspective here. you can find bloggers perspectives on the human impact and what will make a difference at allafrica.com.
Our world is full of despair and hopelessness on so many levels. We are barely competent or responsive to the issues. Darfur is suffering, Sierra Leone is still broken, Liberia corrupt, Uganda held at the mercy of madmen. East Timor, Fiji.. so many places that are full of horror. My heart is breaking for Kenya and all these places. Please spare some time in your thoughts and prayers.
Where this unleashes, there are children who become readers and authors of war. Who obliterate one another with the violence of abuse, abandonment and tragedy. There are orphans of war, famine and disease piling up and we must take note of the voice calling out. If nothing else, cry out for our brothers and sisters and children of injustice in this earth.
Inkling
I have always wrestled with the idea of spending tens of thousands on IVF treatments for couples that can’t have children. I can completely relate to the biological desire to create life but my heart breaks for orphans – for the unloved. The words of Hosea, that name children Desolate – and then see them renamed.. I love the picture of redeeming the children of this world that have been left on the side of the road. Especially in recent months when health issues have given me scope to really address the possibility of adoption in my future, recent conversations with other Jesus-followers about the potential joy of bringing the unloved into a home of love… and then listening to the story Mike Pilavachi told of someone in his community who is moving to Africa to become mum to a tribe of orphans, eight in total. There is an inkling of this in my future, and I don’t want to lose it – a heart for the child that is unloved. To redeem something beautiful that God made in the midst of humanity, where humanity abandoned them. Yes – that would be a good way to spend my love on this earth.
by tashmcgill | Jan 3, 2008 | god ideas, Uncategorized
Or… This Is Not A List Of Resolutions
This year there are several goals that I would like to aspire too – things that have previously been part of the rhythm and balance of my life that I want to return to, as well as new things that I want to integrate into my being | doing | sharing life. In no particular order…
1. Restore the Lose Weight Discipline… haha, ok, so those who know the journey so far may scoff, but.. a trip to America and the summer celebration season has seen me stalling in second gear on this. I want to shake the last ten kilos by Easter, mostly for very prideful reasons.
2. Restore Thursday Night Dinners… before the Diet, I had a rhythm of life that was quite precious, and including weekly acts of hospitality… the best of which was Thursday Night Dinners, a weekly ritual of opening my home and cooking for others. A culinary and conversational challenge that often stirred great delight in my soul. I am a natural born nurturer I think.. I love to feed people’s bodies and souls, with sustenance and pleasure alike. It’s an act of worship, one that I’ve had to put aside over the last few months.
3. Restore Friday Night Sabbath… for every rhythm there is a natural ebb and flow. The flow-on from practiced extroversion and hospitality is a shutting of the doors in order to spend time at home, alone. These Friday Nights stemmed out of a sense of something missing the social activities I was involved with.. which in turn was really shown to be a sense of missing myself. Maybe not Friday Night Sabbath.. but Sabbath at least needs to return to my life this year.
4. Rebirth the Practice of Creativity in Art… I have barely painted in the last twelve months, a shocking absence especially considering that having sold the best of my work.. the walls of my home feel a little bare. I haven’t devoted the same amount of time to writing, songwriting, art or personal creativity as what I would like to… so it will be ‘rebirthed’ (not restored, for I am hoping for a fresh conception).
5. Take More Photographs of People I Love… I take photographs for work but I want to get back to capturing the moments of life wide open as I am living it. There are too many precious people whose faces, hands, eyes and posture I adore but keep sketched in my head. I want to capture these ones I love on film, through the eyes that find beauty there.
6. Read more History… of Humanity, of Judaism, of Church & Mission.
7. Read more Biography… of people that make a difference, that choose a different path, that find Life grasps them unexpectedly.
8. Read more Bible… I would like to steal Steve Taylor’s idea of Stoning the Prophets and start reading the Bible aloud with others, allowing spaces for reflection as well as exegesis.
9. Read more Letters… (this is your opportunity to participate.. go ahead and write me one).
10. Write more Letters… I wrote a couple of letters that I was exceptionally proud of in America, posted them off sealed with kisses and prayers. Unlike an email or a novel, you can’t keep carbon copies of letters so easily. You have to just write them as they come and then entrust the words you put down into the hand of the postman and the receiver. No endless editting, no cut and paste, no delete. The ink of indelible thought… precious and given as a gift.
11. Write more Books… I have 3 ideas that are already underway and if I don’t at least finish the first in time for November, I will be sorely disappointed.
Not resolutions… just very strong ideas.
by tashmcgill | Dec 10, 2007 | eastercamp, god ideas, Uncategorized
This is the most exciting and brief post that I will write for about 3 posts.
This year in preparing for Eastercamp, it became crystal clear to me all of a sudden, that it’s no point booking Christian bands for no reason other than they are Christian. Those bands very rarely offer any major drawcard or culture access point for non-churchy kids into the Eastercamp culture. In fact, it could be seen and experienced as another sub-culture exclusion point instead.
So what if, I said, we actually hosted non-Christian bands that do create a culture access point at Eastercamp? What if we created the culture access point around common World Vision values, a supportive media proponent like txttunes.com and do something that’s never been done before.
A few years ago, it was easy to book Christian bands that were doing a bit of mainstream crossover. But now, the case is not the same. Those acts have either wound up or moved overseas. Currently, there are a wide range of artists where one or more member of a group is a committed Christian. For a number of those bands, they carry strong social justice themes and that means a wide common ground can be found between Eastercamp’s theming, World Vision and the advocacy causes of the artist.
I put it forward, simply asking that I have permission to pursue the kid that otherwise wouldn’t come to camp, to create a resource that actually creates inroads or helps build impact for kids that seeing this and not usually coming to camp.
I expected a fight. I prepared my arguments. They were well-worded, compelling and convicting. In fact, I’m almost disappointed that I didn’t get to use them, because they really would have been fun to expound… but I didn’t have to because my Vision team said yes. They bought the dream, caught the vision and gave me permission to walk on the sharp sharp edge.
Yes. Yes. Yes. Yes. Yes. Yes. Yes. Yes. Yes. Yes. Yes. Yes. Yes. Yes. Yes. Yes.
A new day has begun.
