Beautiful
I have invested some time in beauty for the past couple of days. I sent some cards to near and dear people who I needed to remind how wonderful, meaningful and present they are in my heart. It brought warmth back into perspective to do that for a few minutes yesterday.
Wide Awake And Dreaming
Last night I dreamt of a house with lots of rooms that all connected to one another in straight lines, with wide windows. All the bedrooms on the 2nd floor were light and bright, and overlooked a clean wide deck with a bright horizon. On the first floor there was an atrium of light, with a bathroom and kitchen, a broad square table with lots of seats. An abundance of glassware, serving bowls, utensils. Everything was ready. The whole side of the house facing out to that same horizon line was open in conertina doors. The room continued outside and down a level. On the right hand side of the house was a swimming pool with a tiled mosaic in the bottom, and lush patches of bush.
My mother, sisters and stepdad were all there, and i was showing them the house that I was living in, showing them the home I had made, the life that was successful. It was a different kind of success, but it was rich and deep and felt connected to all things. There were lots of memories waiting for that house, memories of rooms crammed full of people and stories and laughing. Memories of intimate moments and crowded thoughts. I had this amazing sense of peace about being home. There was water in the distance and strong trees all around.
It was one of those dreams where you are so awake in the dream, and it’s so vivid that it’s more like real life than nothing, and you wake up feeling like you haven’t slept but you’ve been in the midst of the frenetic activity your sub-conscious creates for you. It’s a strange thing these dreams.
(once like a spark)
if strangers meet
life begins-
not poor not rich
(only aware)
kind neither
nor cruel
(only complete)
i not not you
not possible;
only truthful
-truthfully,once
if strangers(who
deep our most are
selves)touch:
forever(and so to dark)
-ee cummings
Work And Play
When asked by an absent friend what I was up to – I summarised.. work/faith/employment crisis. I mentioned that I may have to shoot myself soon. He promised not to be the one to pull the trigger – however humourous though, the case remains. I’m in a state of flux about where this all fits together.
I have an interview with Elders tomorrow for a job position here. Seems interesting but it’s not enough to live on. There’s every reason in the book as to why it’s not a full-time position (namely that hardly anyone here is fulltime). But it doesn’t make it right. But Eastercamp doesn’t pay me enough to live either. That means I’m in interesting waters – again looking at the possibility of full-time secular work to support my volunteer time. Which I’m not opposed to, just disappointed in.
Luke had some good advice – the youth ministry is about to undergo a review and that process will undoubtedly be painful and detailed. Probably not a great time to be a part-time employee with extra loading of expectations and pressure to perform in limited circumstances, in an unlimited way. My experience of multiple employers in the past, holds true, that they always expect to be your number one priority. Luke suggested that it’s a much better time to be a volunteer with high ownership than an employee with limited resource and power to instigate progressive change. I have a tendency to agree, but still find the career management of ministry distasteful.
I’m not sure where the future will be.
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You thought I wasn’t watching.. but I was. Hello New Plymouth. I hope you’re having a lovely evening.
Weave A Wicked Web
The heart is a funny thing .. it can fool you into all sorts of paralytic emotions, and push you into writhing inner conflict as you wrestle, head against heart to make sense of whatever predicament you are most currently in.
Eventually though.. one must always win, and so you let your heart run wild or you hold it back to the principles and values that your head so wisely esteems. You make sense of it, and you force yourself to live within boundaries that are reasonable.
Seems like a lot of the time, people are living within fragile little cocoons. Territories clearly and carefully marked out, boundaries firmly in place. They dictate our behaviours, our thinking, our gauge of social boundaries and ettitquette. There are almost no limits to that which we can limit under the banner of decency.
I’ve been conversing with a number of people, just ruminating and thinking on circumstances that we find ourselves in. The extent to which we hold ourselves back from truly living in committed authentic relationship – the things that drive and motivate us towards our intimate connections, the safety of trying to create depth in our most distant relationships.
Lots of things to think about it, and an interesting time to be thinking about it all. I’ve been reviewing that over the past six months I’ve been consistently adding new people to my circle, and therefore, I’ve been asking the question about how honestly I am living with those people. And even with those that I see most often and spend the most proximate time with – how honestly do I live with them?
My primal need to be protected and cared for, looked after – I’ve grown more and more aware of what that triggers in me – and how the dark side creates unrealistic expectations on those around me to care and protect me. Interesting, how after all these years of trying to figure out the impact of my parents on me – I see myself raised to be incredibly independent and living in a highly-independant way – yet inwardly I’m desperate to be dependant (perhaps to the point of co-dependancy), vunerable and in need of others. Hilarious.
Where does Jesus fit in?
I’ve Got A Picture Of Jesus
Late last year, I realised that one of the significant models of Christ is my uncle. Which is weird – but it’s that whole protected, cared for, known element – a sense of having a place of belonging, of him being aware of me and looking out for me. Summers spent hanging with my uncle and aunty were safe and carefree places where the angst of home was far far far away. And within that – the idea of God the protector has really taken hold.
Last night at youth group – the discussion night was based around this – draw or create a picture of Jesus using whatever you like – words, images, stories. Then each of the groups had to present their pictures.
Nearly every single one was focussed on the salvation role of Jesus, Lord and Saviour. None, bar one, made any mention of his personality or personhood. Even then it was his trade as a carpenter that was mentioned.
So I raised the question, because as we head towards Eastercamp I am mindful of the injustice of considering Jesus only in relation to his role in the salvation story. That brings us smack dab into the middle of that nasty equation of ‘Born to Die’ that is so distasteful and throws out the meaning and relevance of the life of Jesus the Man. Homework for the group was to go away and come up with a significant discovery about Jesus the man – something about him that isn’t related to the Resurrection or the Perfect Sacrifice. It will be interesting to see what happens. Even some of my leaders were challenged in the shortcut thinking approach they had taken to the task – one even bailed me up very angry that I was suggesting it wasn’t enough to merely consider the aspect of Jesus, Lord and Saviour.
Sleepless Nights
Well, one 17 page programming report, 3 days in Hamilton, several coffee meetings later… and Eastercamp is really well underway.
Apart from that .. what is there in life?
Hmmm… sometimes I wish I was more interesting.
Decide Well
So many decisions racing .. tonight was easy. Go to the gig, Tash. Go to the Kings Arms and listen, ears pounding and blood racing. Watch forearms and bodies beat and throb in time with the thudding bass. Smile as the crackle of live-ness starts to etch itself on your skin again. Simple decision. Smile and stand on the tips of your toes to see the glimpses of magic in between the swaying heads and shoulders of the crowd. Smile and embrace the dear friends and reassure yourself that the network of this appearance won’t make you disgenuine. After all, you paid the price for authenticity at the door, checking the list twice and forking over ten bucks. He’ll be paying for it later but smile and nod, he’s hitting the rhythm right on strum and looking amazing in that red shirt. Embrace the tall one and the shorter one, let the eyes gleam a little; just enough to ensure that both interests are held, theirs and yours. Let the melodies protrude from the the chaos for a moment. Breathe deep. You’re at the gig, and it’s good. The room is still just as big and just as small. There are so many beautiful people in the room and they’re all soft enough to smile back.
Song Of The Moment : Stay Or Leave
Dave Matthews
Maybe different but remember
Winters warm where you and i
Kissing whiskey by the fire
With the snow outside
And when the summer comes
In the river
Swims at midnight
Shiver cold
Touch the bottom
Starry night
With muddy toes
Stay or leave
I want you not to go
But you should
It was good as good goes
Stay or leave
I want you not to go
But you did
Wake up naked drinking coffee
Making plans to change the world
While the world is changing us
It was good good love
You used to laugh under the covers
Maybe not so often now
But the way I used to laugh with you
Was loud and hard
Stay or leave
I want you not to go
But you should
It was good as good goes
Stay or leave
I want you not to go
But you did
So what to do
With the rest of the day’s afternoon hey
Isn’t it strange how we change
Everything we did
Did I do all that i should
That I coulda done
Remember we used to dance
And everyone wanted to be
You and me
I want to be too
What day is this
Besides the day you left me
What day is this
Besides the day you went
So what to do
With the rest of the day’s afternoon hey
Well isn’t it strange how we change
Everything we did
Did I do all that I could
Remember we used to dance
And everyone wanted to be you and me
I want to be too
What day is this
Besides the day you went babe
What day is this