by | Aug 3, 2005 | Uncategorized

In Light Of This
I am trying to remain at peace in a flurry of the world where I feel compelled to make decisions I have got no handle on, and I can’t even start to think about the possibilities…

But I can’t stop thinking about them.

I have a little place, where I like to hide away, where it all seems effortless. And it takes a little while to get there, for the harmony to sit just right, but by the time we all arrive, I never want to leave, never want to go, I’m happy just to stay… and the song goes on… something like that.

Anyway, the point is, I have this space that’s nothing but a feeling, when something is sitting just right. It’s a harmony about working and sharing and living this life in the space of another life, close enough to compliment.

Most of the time, I don’t live in the immediate sympathy of that harmony, but since the past few weeks, I’ve been luxuriating in it, the easiness and focus of it, the complimentary nature of it. The way it brings out the best in me these days. And it makes me think that I don’t want to leave.

It influences me to stay because there is a ground swell of something happening that’s bigger than me and seems worth the investment of time, energy and pain. So I’m thinking about staying and not assuming that my season here is done when my internship finishes at the end of the year.

by | Aug 3, 2005 | Uncategorized

The Tipping Point
I gave a girl a tip today because she was beautiful. She had acne, quite severe, covered over with makeup, and it was pristine. Her eyes sparkled and she was warm. I thought that she was truly beautiful and I gaver her a tip in the jar at Starbucks. And then I ordered a Caramel Chai Tea Latte.. and I’m glad that I did because it tastes like Christmas. Warm, spicy, nutty and cinnamon-y.

by | Aug 3, 2005 | Uncategorized

d:camp05|spirit

That’s what been consuming my attention since the middle of last week.. so no blogging, no real anything apart from just digging in and getting the job done.

We took less people away this year, but it was a much better mix of crew I felt. There was less posing and falseness, and the Spirit was gentle but very powerful. My youthband did soo awesome; I was just incredibly moved. Lots of good things that feel like lasting fruit happened.

I really enjoyed the crew that I was working with, from the guys doing games to the kitchen crew, to the band, and the various people who contributed from dance items to reading poems in our opening rituals..

There was a moment of real lowness on the Saturday afternoon.. I missed my friend Luke who would ordinarily be running camp with me, but there was something satisfying about the singularity of direction. Everything was cohesively knitted together.. exactly the same sort of strategy that I would like to see in place at Easter. There were some large criticisms from people that disappointed me but they did an about-face on the Saturday night which was also very cool.

Things That Intentionally Made The Camp Better

1. Prayer Partners
I rather randomly split the campers, young adults, leaders and crew into two halves and then paired them off, and scheduled three times over camp where they talked to one another. I trusted God in the pairings.. some with young adults with teenagers, others were teenagers with teenagers.. but I haven’t heard anything but great stories about how the Spirit of God was at work in the randomness of an Excel spreadsheet.

2. Opening Rituals
Every year I think about this more and more.. that the way you bring people into an experience and the way you close it (more later), becomes vital to setting the tone and direction of the camp. Previous years, it’s been a cleansing ritual.. this year it was a thanksgiving ceremony with lots of praise and worship songs, poetry and prayer readings from various people within the community, and a dance. It was very special.

3. Happy Sacks
Once again, these were such a hit. This year, on advice, I used brown paper bags and pegged them with yellow (happy) pegs on a loop of string down one wall of the main room. Over the weekend I filled them with treats at various points, and people wrote notes and thankyous to significant people. One girl came to camp with verses already written to put in them.

4. Intentionally Saying Thank You
With there being so many young adults there that aren’t directly involved with the high school groups, I wanted to really push and encourage intentionality within the older community there. I used the image of a spiders web, how each strand interlocks with so many other strands, in all directions, creating a web that very little falls through. At each gathering point with the leaders, I handed out treats as well, making sure that they felt valued and heard.

Feeling Finnish
I’m going to the Finn Brothers tonight at the Civic. Yayness.

by | Jul 27, 2005 | Uncategorized

Excerpts From A Conversation Of Significance
I have a camp this weekend.. and it always frustrates me when the slightly older, independant members of the community chose to leave early. It breaks the flow, it devalues the time together.. all these things. So when one of my beloved ones, told me that he was planning on leaving early.. I spit a few tacks. In writing to him, trying to explain my frustration.. I happened upon something that I like.

Dear ****.

I thought I would write a quick note so as to not let this become more
of a big deal than it is, because maintaining perspective is always
important, and I like to have moments of rationality thrown into my usual
exorbitant emotional state.

**Edited.

Outside of that, people leaving early has always been one of the most
challenging parts of camp, because it brings such a broken feeling to
the rest of the community. This has been something that I’ve worked so hard
to prevent this year, to the extent of even saying to Blue that I would
rather he didn’t come than leave early. It’s morale-reducing and makes
the whole camp start to slow down.

So please understand I’m frustrated by a contentedness to want to change
the rules or bend them because it seems that your priorities have
changed from what they were a year ago. Mine haven’t and I still believe in the
value of camp. That sense of disappointment isn’t restricted and goes
for other people I found out are also planning the same thing.

We talk and talk and talk about wanting the most from community, but we
miss the boat a billion times. We make rules instead of principles, and
rules are infinitely easier to break. We can easily say ‘don’t do this
because it’s wrong’ .. but there’s no meaning to that. Or we can say
‘don’t do this because the best possible thing you could do is this
instead’.

We live in a world of half-assed people who play by the rules so long as
it suits them, but still don’t bother to pick up on the deeper principles that go underneath. The rules are the do’s and don’ts that prevent us from doing the WRONG thing, but abiding by the principles will help us to do the very BEST thing.
It’s not wrong to go home early if it fits in with your priorities. But
the best thing would be to invest in the whole weekend, because then
everybody benefits from your presence, and you benefit from being in the
community and that’s everybody’s priority.

So I understand that people will continue to make their choices, and it
could be as simple as a matter of opinion, and we can agree to disagree,
although once upon a time, we held the same side of the argument. We
believed in the priority of the group, being important for the
individuals to value as well.

Doing The Very Best Thing
It refers to the apathetic nature of our culture. Particularly where I am on the North Shore of Auckland. People value the prerogative of independence & freedom, more than the distinctive of the whole. There are multiple justifications for it, some of them more reasonable than others.. but for someone like me, who’s life-work has become serving the People of God.. it’s hard when the People would like a revolving door.

It’s not enough to not do the bad stuff, for that only leaves you halfway.. a full, brimming over life comes from choosing to do the best things.. So, you want an overflowing community experience.. you must overflow and invest into that.

These thoughts are still too un-constructed to really be here.. but the implications or basis for application is broad, and I’ll think about it some more.

by | Jul 21, 2005 | Uncategorized

Song Of The Moment : Love Is Everything
Jane Siberry

Maybe it was to learn how to love
Maybe it was to learn how to leave
Maybe it was for the games we played
Maybe it was to learn how to choose
Maybe it was to learn how to lose
Maybe it was for the love we made

Love is everything they said it would be
Love made sweet and sad the same
But love forgot to make me too blind to see
You’re chickening out aren’t you?
You’re bangin’ on the beach like an old tin drum
I cant wait ’til you make
The whole kingdom come
So I’m leaving

Maybe it was to learn how to fight
Maybe it was for the lesson in pride
Maybe it was the cowboys’ ways
Maybe it was to learn not to lie
Maybe it was to learn how to cry
Maybe it was for the love we made

Love is everything they said it would be
Love did not hold back the reins
But love forgot to make me too blind to see
You’re chickening out aren’t you?
You’re bangin’ on the beach like an old tin drum
I cant wait ’til you make
The whole kingdom come
So I’m leaving

First I turn to you
Then you turn away
So you try to hurt him
But it breaks your body down
So you try to love bigger
Bigger still
But it…it’s too late

So take a lesson from the strangeness you feel
And know you’ll never be the same
And find it in your heart to kneel down and say
I gave my love didn’t I?
And I gave it big…sometimes
And I gave it in my own sweet time
I’m just leaving

A Question Of Identity
There’s been some interesting activity in the SiteMeter lately, and it raises questions that I mostly avoid thinking about. For example.. when somebody googles ‘tash mcgill’ and they end up here, it’s really no surprise. When they google me, and then read my diary all the way back into 2002, then I got issues.

I know what all can be said.. don’t write anything you don’t want people to read blah blah blah. And I do work relatively hard to maintain anonymity for people within the blog, if for whatever reason I don’t want them to be known. But in 2002, there was no one reading this but Dani. And between now and then, I’ve variegrated between moments of crystal honesty, ranting, and deeply thoughtout intellectual arguments on theology & philsophy.

It’s the secretive nature with which people peruse.. the lurkers, the non-commenters. I can guess at who they are based on when they read, where from, the browsers they are using, but it’s not the same as the honesty of.. hey, I read your innermost thoughts, but that’s ok, you can trust me with them.

So why do I blog if every six months I’m going to have a crisis about the former self that used to blog here? I’m not the same person, don’t judge me! I long to cry it out, or disable the archives or something. But the reality is.. perusing my site this morning… I think that if you came here looking to find yourself hidden away between the lines.. you probably could. Just about any one could imagine themselves the focus of my attention here.

The reality is probably a lot more mundane. I just write and sometimes the thoughts in my head about you and sometimes they are about someone else, and I’m just glad for the opportunity to spill out these words and keep them somewhere, so that when I am old, I can look back and laugh at my foolishness and gabbled youth.

I’ve always made a point of being honest here, even if I didn’t reveal names and places unless there was no danger in it. I’ll still continue to be honest, but couldn’t you help me out just a little, by at least fessing up to who you are? After all.. if you don’t know me by now…