by | Feb 8, 2006 | Uncategorized

Summer Ales
Yesterday was relatively manic as far as days go.. especially with a drive to the depths of Howick last night to see Rodney. But seeing Rodney is like a cool balm on the soul sometimes. He’s so refreshingly honest, genuine and relaxed about who he is. It gives freedom to me to do likewise.

I talked to him about the job scenario. He says I’m growing up.
I said I need his help. He said he’ll give it.
I think I have to lot to learn from him. He says I’ll still be me no matter where I am.
I said I still want to be good at everything. He says I have to let go and stop striving to not be my father.
I think I’m amazed at how quickly God is revealing so much of what I’ve been learning.
Rodney says he’s looking forward to the next part of the ride.

by | Feb 7, 2006 | Uncategorized

Gasping – Easterwatch 06 (nine weeks to go)

Today finds me in tears, and feeling at the end of my rope a little. In the midst of trying to recreate and redesign a number of the elements of Eastercamp – I have found myself without the assistance and participation of one of my trustiest guides and helpers. For circumstances that I know are reasonable, he’s had to pull out. Even though camp is nine weeks away, it’s still at the last minute and it feels terrible and foreboding. All the peace I had two weeks ago has disappeared in the light of the past few events and now I feel the pressure overwhelmingly so.

I don’t know which way to go forward .. i need to get back onto my ‘creative flow’ .. and to get back in touch with the connectivity and peace of God at work in this thing. Nothing feels easy or comfortable or even achievable. Too many new things and too many unknowns and all of a sudden everyone is looking at me to achieve what seems impossible.

So today is the last straw and I want to cry and struggle and be held and reassured.

by | Feb 7, 2006 | Uncategorized

Necessities

Phones with sleek rubber covers to protect them from scratches and bumps. Kinda like Ipod covers.
Emails from dear ones far away.
Good wine.
Good friends.
Things to look forward to like weddings.
Blue skies, sunsets and clear heads.
Space and Time to formulate new ideas.

A Woman & Her Hairdresser
I love that my hairdresser, sytlist, colourist etc are more like friends that you only see once in a while that people that I pay to make me look good. It was great to share in Aimee’s wedding photo joy, as well as Bonz’ great headshots, and to hear everything that’s going on for them. I thought it was kinda funny at first .. but then isn’t that partly why I want to open a pub? To hear people’s stories .. whenever they are ready to tell them?

Career Development
I’m having an epiphany. Sometimes it’s meaningless to preach from trenches, to those on pavement. So maybe an effective and intentional way of being meaningful in my peer community is to actually serve the same way they do .. balancing ‘real’ jobs and the demands/tensions of that life.

by | Feb 6, 2006 | Uncategorized

Under The Shade Of Pinot
What if it’s all connected in the universe? Not just in that ‘God makes good from all things’ kinda connectedness. But in a deeper, more unconventional way.

Like.. how is my meeting with Dave Munro this week connected to his part in setup on eastercamp in 2003? And how is that connected to my vision for eastercamp in the future? And what’s the stepping stone that takes my meeting with the summer harvest debrief team tonight into the planning for Queens Birthday weekend for 06?

Maybe it’s all connected. Maybe waking up next to someone your best friend from 5 years ago used to be in love with has some strange cosmic part to play in the way God is unravelling the plans he has. Because waking up next to that person, puts into context so many other mornings when I’ve woken up with the memory or thought of someone else… and all of a sudden life has perspective again.

Perspective might leave you a little empty to begin with – but then I come again to the connectedness of it all. There must be a reason why it all fits together into a jigsaw puzzle. There must be some hilarity at the end of it all.

by | Feb 6, 2006 | Uncategorized

State Of The Union
Last night went with Ian and Jeremy to lead the service at Te Atatu Union, where Graeme & Lynley (J’s parents) minister. It’s not the first time that we’ve been there – this week we played with just two acoustic gats, vox. We played one of the Nooma series and I read a poem from Darlene Bee’s book.

Last year Mum donated the money to have it published – a collection of her poems. It’s a beautiful little book – and her words are perfect in so many respects. She had such a tangible understanding of what it meant to suffer under God’s grace.

After the service we stayed talking late into the night as per usual – we talked a lot about the dynamics of small and large community.. wondering aloud about the journey we are on at Windsor. Whether or not we have crossed the line from real community into a consumer product. It’s so hard to balance these things and try and seek God for the way forward when my own head is such a muddle of confusion. J has started to joke around about planting a church – and my heart leaps because I think maybe the only way forward is to keep experimenting and shaping the model. Not a model to be sold anywhere else.. just a model that will work for us, for the people we love.

So many ideas that start to flow.. a place where we eat and talk and do life together. A place without youth programmes, just with relationships. A place that takes more work than where we are right now – but a place that gives so much in it’s being, that work becomes a life-giving sacrifice. A place that gives space for people to be who they are and breathe. To ask questions and doubt, to fight and wrestle with all these things.

Under God’s Grace
Grace is such a healing balm – but sometimes I am guilty of misusing it in my life. I am beginning to see – perhaps through Nouwen’s writing – that suffering under grace isn’t about being able to apply grace to the curcumstances of life that we find ourselves in – but rather suffering whilst understanding the truth of Grace. That Grace is still true in the complexities of sorrow.

Falling

Well I’m so tired
Of falling in love
Finding it easier to fall out
You can’t deny it
I feel it inside Cupid’s fire
I can’t hide

So I said that when we went to the lake I ended up feeling a little melancholy – well, it’s staying with me in dribs and dabs.

The reason I am feeling this way is hard to pinpoint, although I have a few ideas. In the midst of trying to decide what I am going to do with my life .. I feel scared that I am losing my focus or sense of purpose in my work.

I spent Friday with a whole bunch of great people – all a bit older than me. All married, with kids. With jobs and careers that they are totally sold out to and committed to. I had this moment of epiphany where I realised I was unmarried (which makes me feel incomplete as much as I wish it didn’t), unfocused (too many jobs & things on my plate) and unemployed.

So what to do? I just don’t know.