It’s A Big Girl World Now

I need a new dose of hope. Smile and refill my heart.
Apathy is running me… and ruining me all the same.
Embarrass me with breakouts.
– Michael Todd here

Last night after the church baptism service, I talked for a while with Alan and Heather about the whole Vision Banquet scenario. It was good. The wine was pretty shocking – H. has a really sweet tooth, that is just overkill for me.

As I was arriving, there were a couple of 18 year old guys walking out. They were obviously visitors for the first time, and walked back into the relative dark chilliness of the carpark, commenting under their breath – “if he asks, just say we were at the back”. In relation to some of the comments and discussion around the whole “come to us and we promise to be seeker-friendly” facade it’s simply point of interest to note.

Da Vinci Code
I had to admit – I enjoyed the book. I thought it was cleverly written, not necessarily well-written. I liked the historical twists and turns, how so many of points of reference throughout history were wound around a proposition that has been fairly well rejected by both religious and historical scholars. I am a fan of history, and I enjoy examining that which is ancient and how it interacts with our cultural framework today.

So today we went to see the movie, the 10.30am session – a particular favourite. All round, not bad. Not as bad as what it had been reviewed as, and fairly well accurate to the book with the exception of the love affair that for once – Hollywood left out.

True enough – some of the pastoral staff were non-plussed, and a couple rattled, which I found amusing. What I found disturbing was the conversation with one of the pastoral staff at Windsor, when they expressed certainty in this phrase “but all that stuff about how the Bible came together, with the voting and stuff, that’s not real, that’s not true.” Well, actually – it is. The Council of Nicea is well-documented. What’s not necessarily as circumspect is the political agenda of Constantine, or the encryption of the pagan symbolism into ancient Catholicism. As for Opus Dei, they’ve only been around since the 1920’s. And if you were wondering how the very very very ancient Priory of Scion managed to have a high-tech bank account – well, it’s very true that the Knights of the Templar actually formed the foundations of modern international banking as we know it – and that’s were the ancient conspiracy meets the modern. Some believe that the Priory of Scion still operates as a shadow society today (even though officially it dropped from radar in the 1500’s) and was highly influential in the formation of the European Union (EU) and the introduction of the Euro.

There is some part of me that does yearn for the deep mysteries and mythology of the Code. Some part of me that likes the ‘darkness’ of the unknown, and the secret. The passion of a cause. However – my cause is Christ. And I’m good with that.

Now, it’s just a matter of waiting for the usual Christian backlash, probably mistimed and mismanaged as per usual. I find that it’s probably unnecessary to say much – the BBC seem to have done a fairly good job. Although conspiracists would say that was exactly what they expected.

Wedding Bells
It’s just a few days now until Dani and Hans get married and officially become man-and-wife. It’s really pretty strange to imagine that someone I love and cherish so much is marrying someone I’ve never met. But faith is sometimes having faith in people as well, and that God is at work in ways I can’t comprehend.

So today we had a look at some business space – a cool space, if difficult to find and interestingly setup with a number of different creatives working in a space that’s been there since the 1900’s (come to think of it – it may well be my love of history that means I love old buildings) when it lived a former life as a hotel. Consquently, it’s wooden with hundreds and hundreds of nails holding it together, and fireplaces in every room. It could be good. But it’s very very very terrifying. I’m feeling low. I’m feeling scared. I’m feeling insecure. I still freak out every so often thinking that I’m going to end up a colossal failure, unable to properly function in the business, cauterized in relationship. I know that between us we should be able to do something really phenomenal – we’re dependant heavenward enough. The biggest thing isn’t that I’m scared, or scared of myself. I’m actually scared of him. And that’s truthful enough. So – tomorrow is a new day, and I’m not going to be depressed or scared or low, or terrified more than I need to. And here’s to trying to find a way of saying “you scare the hell out of me”.

Being Scared, Being Left Behind
Partly I think the terror of doing all of this – is that I feel a little left behind right now. So many people that have packed up bags and left, going off on adventures. And I guess some of the strangest and hardest goodbyes are yet to come. I’m not sure how to say them, and I’m scared that I’m on my own adventure without them. Growing up is hard to do. For all concerned.

Song Of The Moment : Scratch
Kendall Payne

It’s a big girl world now
Full of big girl things
And everyday I wish I was small
I’ve been counting on nothing
But he keeps giving me his word
And I am tired of hearing myself speak
Do you ever get weary?
Do you ever get weak?
How do you dream
When you can’t fall asleep?

I’ve been wondering what you’re thinking
And if you like my dress tonight?
Would you still say you love me
Under this ordinary moonlight?
I’m so afraid of what you’ll say.

I’d like to know if you’d be open
To starting over from scratch
I’d like to know if you’d be open
To giving me a second chance

I used to think I was special
And only I have proved me wrong
I thought I could change
The world with a song
But I have ended up in India
With no lamp to guide me home.
The strangest place I think
I have ever been
And all this time
I thought that we were friends
My stubborn will is learning to bend.

I’d like to know if you’d be open
To starting over from scratch
I’d like to know if you’d be open
To giving me a second chance

It’s a big girl world now
Full of big girl things