by tashmcgill | May 11, 2005 | Uncategorized

Fun Times In Logos
Wend the darling, was up from Hamilton today, visiting the Carey open day. Tonight, after a wedding rehearsal (luke & katie), youth group mayhem (playdough pictionary) and flat cellphone battery disaster of pic proportions; I met the lovely Wend and spunky Dan at Logos in Ponsonby. I felt very special because Dan showed me his cool capoeira moves and all. Lots of crazy stories to tell but they will wait for tomorrow, because I am sooo tired.

More details to follow.

She’s Back In The Game
I read my own autobiography today in class before I decided to let a classmate read it. I felt encouraged and inspired reading my own words. Today in the car on the way to class, I adopted & adapted Nouwen’s technique from The Inner Voice Of Love and started to talk to myself in imperatives, both describing the context and content of my heart and mind, and talking myself into where to from here. Seemed like an interesting exercise, especially when I was talking to my Dictaphone and then played it back to myself.

I have made some discoveries in the past week. By sinking into the depths of Nouwen’s experiences, things started to unpack and unfold. I started to see patterns of feeling, thinking, breathing and relational living in my own life that were disturbing. To the point where I felt like I had apologies to make. And then in class yesterday, we were talking about grief. The stages of grief, the look of grief, the management of grief. And to my horror and my relief, I recognized myself in between the lines of my class notes. I realized that everything that has been wrong with me for the past couple of years stems out of the fact that I’ve been in a grieving process without even realizing it. Well, I realized it. I knew that I was dealing with emotional baggage from events of years past, but I didn’t associate what I was experiencing with grief. However, put into the context of Grief, being exactly what I’m unpacking and going through.. creates some incredible freedom and relief with a deep sense of revelation. Understanding.. that the catalyst for the grieving process to begin was exactly that.. a catalyst, not the actual offence.

So… have a read of two things.. my autobiography of leadership .. or God at work in my life, and then tomorrow I’ll post the transcript of how I spoke to myself and ministered the Grace of God today.

Hmm. I’ll read it too, and then we’ll see how it’s looking on the other side.

Leadership Autobiography
The most powerful experiences of leadership in my life, where I have had the role of primary leader, have been in my current role at Windsor Park Baptist Church as leader of one of the high school home groups, leader of a creative ministry team and my ongoing leadership of the Programming Team at Eastercamp. I have been leading at Windsor Park Baptist Church since 2003, and involved with Eastercamp since 1999. Over time, both roles have developed and changed according to needs, employment circumstances and skill development. My role at Windsor Park Baptist Church is a training role, where I operate under supervision of a senior youth pastor, running a weekly programme for young people, managing a young adult music and production team and running some of the community events. My involvement in Eastercamp includes being part of the Eastercamp Vision Team, as well as taking responsibility for a number of administrative tasks outside the immediate area of Programming. The programming role requires working closely under the Camp Director, crafting theme, vision and purpose for the camp communication meetings, then leading the production team backstage through the execution of the programme.

My significant leadership experiences in all the above mentioned roles have significance in different ways. In my leadership role within the Pulse youth home group, the significant learning experience has been change management, transitions between preceding leadership and my own, casting and maintaining, as well as shaping and understanding the vision for the work God is doing amongst those young people. The transition was painful and slow, but gave certainty and expression to my own leadership style as I was pressed and challenged to take on the vision of someone else.

Leadership within a young adult team of creative people is an altogether different experience, but certainly significant. I came into this role with far more inherent confidence in what I am capable of, and how I could contribute to the sum of the whole. There was a suitable period of observation and then discussion, until trust was built and there was opportunity to catalyze change forward. The opportunity to create and dialogue strategy with peers has played a formative part in my development of leadership understanding as and how I relate to peers and communicate concepts and ideas.

Eastercamp 2004 was a pivotal year in the expression, understanding and development of my leadership role there. I stepped above and outside boundaries lines to take a leadership role that has developed into a somewhat priestly gesture towards my production team. Struck by the thought that some of my best spiritual leadership or any kind of leadership happens behind the backstage curtain, without being seen by those above me or beside me, has only spurred me on to take greater risks, explore deeper levels and set higher goals. Consequently, the development of relationship, team, and backstage practices has only increased. Partly I was personally challenged to “show off more” by a guest speaker at the camp, and further on from that I became aware of how easily one’s ability can be boxed in, and efforts must be made to constantly stretch myself out, as well as striving towards higher career goals. As a result of all three experiences, I now take every opportunity to lead very seriously, but in what I might offer and what I might learn.

Those who work alongside me would probably describe my leadership as highly relational, highly observational and intense. Certainly I receive high levels of thanks and gratitude from the Eastercamp production team, ultimately they appreciate the holistic sense with which I operate, the concern I demonstrate for their wellbeing, and the way I focus on the wider strategy or plan even in the light of perceived failure or challenges. I require of myself that I open doors, create opportunities and make space for younger and developing leadership, ability and talent and because of that, young people under my leadership especially feel empowered and like valid participants in the life of our church. I think that they also find me hard to work with in that I maintain a fairly fluid approach to leadership; I like to be flexible and ultimately believe that good form allows for moveable function. As a leader, the things that I am passionately connected to remain close to my heart and I have to work hard to maintain objectivity that makes me approachable.

If there was one biblical model or passage that is most influential in the way I consider my leadership, it’s a nearly impossible distinction. The justice themes of Isaiah 58, the restorative methodology of Nehemiah, the highly relational and engaged leadership of Jesus and the priestly nuances of David as both King and lead worshipper all influence me in different ways as I am learning my own leadership. I am still young and therefore, I am still learning and comprehending information that is providing critical formation to leadership understanding and practice; I am also still learning to recognize that which is genetic inheritance from parental talents and influence, environmental influence and those elements of leadership that have come from my own reflections through the years. Mostly the biblical model I follow is Peter, post-Restoration. Peter is constantly pushing deeper towards God in sp

ite of his hindrances, failures and foot-in-mouth disease. Despite being rough and ready, he takes a primary leadership role that only matures and grows throughout the New Testament accounts. I hold tight to the restorative examples of God at work in my own life.

The need for a positive manner of dealing with failure is crucial to my journey as a leader. I count myself now, an ‘experimentuer’. A combination of entrepreneur and experimenter in one role. Inevitably I have seen a large number of ideas across my ministry platforms rise to small successes, large successes and large failures. Despite that some failures may appear small, all failures feel large. There are plenty of examples that I could choose to demonstrate the necessity of developing good practical theology around failure and then being able to lead yourself and others through it. One poignant example was leaving my first adult church experience after 5 years of learning how not to do church. I left downhearted and downtrodden about my ideas, my faith, my understanding of God. However, I left convinced that Truth was still out there but that I was far away from it, not being able to stick out the storm, but rather bolting for the high ground.

Other extraordinary experiences that have largely affected my leadership have been positive; mainly in the area of encouragement and mentorship. The first time that I was given opportunity to lead worship and being coached through that by someone who made themselves wholeheartedly available taught me the importance of belief and encouragement; opportunities to work within the Eastercamp team represented a number of doors opened from the inside out, with smiling and encouraging hands leading me through to experiences that would shape, stretch and pull me. They provoked reactions of loyalty, intensity, commitment and fire within me. I learned the power of empowerment and encouragement; and added it to my arsenal of leadership tools. Looking back, I was not aware of the precise work going on under the surface, but with hindsight see how formative these years were in my life.

Significant character development comes from significant experiences, not as the only option for growth, but as an important component of it. My life has been shaped by intense emotions and experiences of disorientation and reorientation. As a small child the divorce of my parents stripped away the understanding that I had of authority within church structures, as well as the role of elders. Learning from these experiences comes in the form of long discussions with parents, pastors and ultimately God; in the hope of understanding some of the ways it continues to affect me today. Ultimately though, healing comes only in a combination of time and the involvement of the Holy Spirit. Recently, the experience of choosing other priorities over the fulfillment or pursuit of deeper love with a close friend led to long dark nights of the soul, as I wrestled with the value system I have chosen, as well as my ultimate purpose here in this space and place. Henri Nouwen writes of the wound of love that goes deep, so love comes from a continually deeper place. A greater sense of what I have tends to dominate the landscape, rather than the darkness that might point out what I have not. In going through a grieving process that enables you to ask deep, probing questions of meaning and value, I am more certain of the ‘call’ than ever, and more certain of my need for God’s grace.

I have been led by wonderful capable leaders who have empowered, encouraged, taught, focused, driven and cared for me. They have inspired me with the idea of what team, family, community can look like. But I have also been highly discouraged, and in some aspects driven towards taking on leadership roles from a sense of what I could achieve given the same opportunities. Poor leaders that have inevitably been focused on goals that didn’t reflect the heartbeat of the community. They have stifled the learning and challenging process. They are excellent teachers of what not to do. Most recently, it is with despair that I look up in the mirror to realize that my ability to critique and reinvent most possibilities, means I always have a list of what I can change and improve about life, music, playstation, structure and work load. As with anything, we work towards the purposes of God as best we can, with the very best of intentions. It is my intention to always observe leadership above me, beside me and below me to see what there is to be learned, what there is to offer and what there is to improve on. That’s the result of observation on my leadership.

Primary development issues for my leadership growth are complex. I must continue to address the key areas of leading up and sideways, without appearing arrogant or overly ambitious. I have big ideas, but I seek to serve God’s purposes honestly, according to what He is doing. Communication, trust building and history making are all crucial here. My current climate demands longevity and consistency, and these are traits that I must develop both in myself and in those above, below and around me.

There is a leadership challenge in remaining supple of mind and practice. I desire to pursue learning as a habit and a discipline, rather than the last and least deserving of my attention. To put education above other practical ministry needs is a hard challenge that must be met in order for me to progress to the level I desire with my studies. It requires the deepest commitment to personal discipline and motivation than I apply in any other area. Being able to demonstrate this kind of discipline, personal management and consistency is a vital part of being ready for what I believe God has in store.

Another ongoing leadership challenge is the careful balance of pressures. I have a ministry I do by way of call, one that I complete because of love and service, and another that I am involved with because of training. Discerning the will of God and continuing the spiritual practices that are an engrained habit are key and crucial now, as I begin to prepare for whatever lies ahead.

My desire and ambition for my leadership is simple. At the end of my life I would like to think that I will be as aware then as I am now, of how much I still have to learn. I intend to have seen dozens, if not hundreds of thousands of young people and leaders find a voice and thereby take on the challenge of leadership and Christ-like character themselves. I would like for my eulogy to mention that other people found empowerment, encouragement and care through my ministry. Ultimately nothing would be for my own gain, except to boast of what God has demonstrated through my life; his abundant grace and mission for the world lived out. I desire deeply to be a person of influence who is able to lead people wisely and live an honest Christ-like life. Those that I lead will surpass me, and they will be well-trained to let others surpass them. We all will grow together, for the sake of the Kingdom.

by tashmcgill | May 8, 2005 | Uncategorized

Song Of The Moment : The Other Side
David Gray

Meet me on the other side
Meet me on the other side
I’ll see you on the other side
See you on the other side

Honey now if I’m honest
I still don’t know what love is

It Sure Is Dark Out Here … Somebody Save Me.
Last week a coffee break with Stu and Nige saved me just a little bit. Reading, although not really connecting with Dani is saving me a little too. I miss you, girlie.

This weekend has been good, solid, back breaking but inspiring work with my young people. I’ve been silent since Wednesday on, because Wednesday night was gut wrenchingly difficult and I nearly wanted to throw in the towel. The difference between my ‘successful ministry’ (could there really be such a thing?) in the arts and my struggles in youth is primarily based around the desire for participation and ownership. All my pomo development ideas have to be thrown out the window when working with these very modern kids. Saturday, however, combined the arts and young people and was a riproaring success.

Tonight though.. I am in a dark and lonely place.

Maggi writes blogs this entry.. it captures my darkness well.

I am not winning enough battles, fighting the fight well enough, counting enough, or measuring enough to feel like anything is worthwhile at the moment. My dreams even, seem like feathers on slight whispers of wind, under gathering stormclouds.

Driving down the driveway tonight, to my little dark house, as lovely as she is, with my darkness inside me swelling and bursting out through teardrops.. I cannot even find heavy enough chords on my guitar to pour out my lament to any heavenly ears that are listening.

This isn’t really a spiritual post. It’s just a sad one. I need saving again, a companion on this faith path for a while. I’m reading Henri Nouwen’s The Inner Voice of Love and it wounds and heals me all at once. It speaks truth to me in deep places, not only because of similar experience, but because the Spirit of God is so deep in these places alongside me.

I wish though, at a time when I am pressing my young people strongly around their Holy Spirit theology, I was more secure in my own.

How desperate am I, for You, Spirit of God? How open and restless without your present Presence with me? How graciously you have given of Yourself to me, yet I ungratefully say, more.. It is not enough. Quicken Yourself to me, for I have need of you, to comfort me. I don’t wish for strength to continue, nor light for my path, simply to be comforted, oh Comforter.

Pray for me, that these words of Stu’s 131st Psalm become a present reality. Help me to remember my trust.

Psalm 131
Lord I have given up my pride,
I have placed my own opinions under your scrutiny
and I realise how unknowing I really am.

I am not concerned now with matters that are too difficult for me to understand
or with problems that I will never be able to solve.

These are your ocean,
and I acknowledge I can only dip my toes in from time to time,
but only you know how wide and deep it is.

So instead, I stop and reflect.
I divorce myself from the concerns of the things around me.
I stop.
Like a small child fallen asleep in its mother’s arms.
Safe, sound and cherished.
My busy passions and annoyances are quiet now.
Let me sleep.

People of Jesus, trust in him all the time.

Sleep for awhile and be content.
© Stu McGregor

by tashmcgill | May 2, 2005 | Uncategorized

At Least Cynics Know What They Believe..
Maggi has a thoughtful and provoking post on doubt, honesty and numb belief.. She quotes Coleridge..

Last week at my leaders meeting for the Pulse, we had a heated, albeit cut short debate on the merits of faith by questioning. Some felt wholeheartedly that the Bible is sacred and therefore.. unquestionable. Others felt that truly sincere deep faith can only come from questioning and wrestling with Scripture. I tend to side with the latter, not because I believe too deeply in apologetics for apologetics’ sake; but because too many ‘beliefs’ are actually doctrines.

Young people are like sponges in that they will soak up every belief placed in front of them when they are hungry for truth or relevance. So give them a Frank Peretti novel and they aer pushed into a imbalanced irrational view of spiritual warfare, and the interaction between supernatural and natural worlds. Give them hardline Scriptural truths about behaviour, and they become judge and jury of the world around them. Tell them, or demonstrate that proximity to God is found in loud worship services with endless altarcalls and dim lights, and they will stand arms outstretched until they fall down from exhaustion.

And don’t I wish that I had some grasp of that still youthful passion and exuberance that defies balance and reasonability, and longs for a life of chaotic joy and pursuance of God in all His forms. However.. the older I become, the more the questions I’ve wrestled with, become foundations to this little house of faith I’ve built as a shelter against my own cynicism.

The difference between my faith shelter, and some others.. is simply that mine is made of solid wellbeaten, pressed, moulded, fired bricks, with plenty of windows into the world and an open door. Some of these other shelters seem to be made of hay, and are more of a blanket to hide under, than a vantage point into the world at large.

“Thomas has often been called “doubting Thomas” – a title that is hardly a compliment. But there are lots of reasons, I think, for applauding Thomas – he was honest, he didn’t pretend to have faith he didn’t have, he didn’t just go along with the crowd. He did that very hard thing, which is to own up to being the odd one out among a group of friends. And, bravely, even when he was the odd one out, he didn’t go away and isolate himself, he jsut carried on meeting with the other disciples until, a week later, he saw Jesus for himself and found a faith that he COULD own.”

Youth Leaders and Young People
I would rather have a collection of Thomases, than a collection of emphatic bandwagon jumpers. In fact, I think I would really enjoy having a community of Thomas out there in the world. I have a number of them in my group already, who spend time with the community, without necessarily holding to all our beliefs. But as they encounter they do find themselves being transformed, and coming into a faith that has grown into their very bones and marrow.. and that is a wellformed faith, that won’t grow out easy, huh Maggi?

These were my thoughts and reflections anyway..

by tashmcgill | May 2, 2005 | Uncategorized

Can’t Sleep, Will Try To Blog Myself To Sleep

This is the latest, a music team retreat at the end of the month (happy May, by the way). Should be fun, or at least interesting. Si is coming and bringing a band, and hopefully we’ll have a good vocal coach there as well. Hopefully time to grow and develop some of our worship ethos, as well as our bonds.

DIY Rescue
There no exciting Metro Man sightings to report today, maybe he just didn’t get around to laundry this weekend, however.. the DIY disaster must be reported. The company that I work for is the kind of company that prides itself on equipping the ever ready and over eager kiwi DIY’er for any task. But I’ve never seen more holes in the wall, shoddy plastering, broken fixtures, holey carpet in my life, than at this office. And to top it all off, today one of the Imports girls got locked in the toilet and had to climb out the small louvre window at top, into an enclosed garden and ask to be let in. Thank goodness that it’s just a half day tomorrow otherwise I would be in fear of my life.

Confessions

I adore You, I adore You
Your grace upon my face to shine
Your light this life to live within…

by tashmcgill | May 1, 2005 | Uncategorized

© Tash McGill
Some ruthless self-promotion here.. and some promotion for a friend.. please check out Dave and Co if you get the chance, they’re hilarious… and pray for the youthband kickoff and development day on saturday. It’s all about stretching and growing to new heights and openign doors for those who are younger.

One Night Travellin’ With The Light
There is an old ritual from the Early Church where they kept a lamp burning in their meeting places, bringing it into their services…

Tonight I went and celebrated Christ with the High Res youth community of Kumeu Baptist. It was a special time to be part of their Living Room service ..they began their service of pragmatic spirituality with ‘bringing in the lantern’ from the Holy Place. The service in itself was simple, intimate, honest, neither pretentious in it’s ambition nor it’s execution. The attitude of generosity and willingness was apparent in the faces, expressions and playing of the band. There were well-integrated stations throughout the room, tables for art, pew type rows of chairs, small tables, cosy lighting. It didn’t feel like the thought process behind the service was pushing or pulling the community it was serving. All in all, it was a privilege to be part of.

More Excellence Vs Exuberance
For some, the tone of excellence is key in the level to which they participate in the ‘worship’ elements of a service. For my journey, I find the spaces where I am left to worship God with my voice in a deficit of musical complexity some of the most endearing. When I offer my praise to God in the midst of dissonance .. there is something magic in that moment, where I know God hears something I don’t.

Travellin’
Tonight on the road home, the coolness of the night had drawn the fog out from the ground, and driving through the valley between Kumeu and Paremoremo was grey and soggy. Then as I climbed out of the valley along Ridge Rd, it all cleared and I was left on a clear road, where the deep black became blue. An interesting analogy for clearing and cleaning, de-misting the mind, as well as the physical.

I am not yet clear, but it was good to be away from home tonight, and yet not away at all. I felt at home in the Living Room. Something new was birthed, and something older refreshed, so I will keep going for a little while, until I find another resting place. I’m still moving, and so for a small time, I may be okay. Thank goodness for that.

There was a passage of Scripture read tonight, that struck me and stuck with me.. that’s part of the clearing process I think.

Religious Fashion Shows

Now Jesus turned to address his disciples, along with the crowd that had gathered with them. “The religion scholars and Pharisees are competent teachers in God’s Law. You won’t go wrong in following their teachings on Moses. But be careful about following them. They talk a good line, but they don’t live it. They don’t take it into their hearts and live it out in their behavior. It’s all spit-and-polish veneer.
“Instead of giving you God’s Law as food and drink by which you can banquet on God, they package it in bundles of rules, loading you down like pack animals. They seem to take pleasure in watching you stagger under these loads, and wouldn’t think of lifting a finger to help. Their lives are perpetual fashion shows, embroidered prayer shawls one day and flowery prayers the next. They love to sit at the head table at church dinners, basking in the most prominent positions, preening in the radiance of public flattery, receiving honorary degrees, and getting called “Doctor’ and “Reverend.’

“Don’t let people do that to you, put you on a pedestal like that. You all have a single Teacher, and you are all classmates. Don’t set people up as experts over your life, letting them tell you what to do. Save that authority for God; let him tell you what to do. No one else should carry the title of “Father’; you have only one Father, and he’s in heaven. And don’t let people maneuver you into taking charge of them. There is only one Life-Leader for you and them–Christ.

“Do you want to stand out? Then step down. Be a servant. If you puff yourself up, you’ll get the wind knocked out of you. But if you’re content to simply be yourself, your life will count for plenty.

Some of the best leadership I have seen in my life, are the leaders who lead from behind and middle and sidelines. They encourage and open doors. I long for this to be the model of my life, to capture the potential around me and somehow create spaces for them to be excellent, genuine, deep, wellgrown people of faith. So I must not become that which this passage speaks about. I must continually step down to serve my teams, my people, my leaders. I must concentrate on growing out & down rather than up. I should relish the opportunities that I have to lead and serve outside the gaze of my superiors, and I should remember that my superiors are my classmates for my sake and their own. I should remember not to remind them of that fact. Just serve and love my people, get amongst them and push them out and forward and up.. above me and around me.. lifting those below me up. Spurred on by this picture.. side by side with the famous and non-famous bloggers, theologians male & female, with the authors, artists, poets, songwriters and the off-key singers..

.

Maybe there are answers in here for me, as I wait to be older, wiser, experienced. Maybe there are answers that will enable me to be visibly teachable, humble, graceful. To be true to my designer’s plan, and patient enough to accept it.

Song Of The Moment
You Answer Me
Jennifer Knapp

all the things i want to say
all at once they wash away
As You walk by, out of mind
My thoughts fly away

I can hear You cry out loud
When You answer me
When You answer me
Once again I am revived
When You answer me You answer
When You answer me You answer me with love