by tashmcgill | Jan 14, 2008 | god ideas, Uncategorized
Fish the moon like an arrow
I’ll hold on to this narrow wire
I won’t let go of you
In the darkness of the moment
Nylon burns on the line of my fingers
but I won’t let go of you
You can be as strong as you like
For as long as you want
But I won’t let go of you
You can crumble into pieces
and fall over the cliff
but I won’t let go of you
I’ll gather all the pieces
until you find the magic glue
I won’t let go of you
You can be as brave as you can
As fearless as you’re able cos
there’s just no way, no reason
for me to ever, I just won’t ever
I won’t let go of you
So please
when you’re launching into darkness
know that
I’ll be waiting on the end of the line
cos I know
everything be alright in a little while
so please
keep on with the letting go of it and
know that
there is a patience that is long enough
cos I know
you’re worth it in the end, so hold on
so please
you can be as strong as you like
for as long as you want
but I won’t let go of you
so worth holding on to
I won’t let go of you
you can be safe and fearless even reckless
you can live out on the edge
cos I won’t let go of you
I won’t let go of you
Holding On To The Fringe
There are times and spaces when for various reasons, you feel like you need to move to the fringe. Or, people move to the edges when they’re in pain, broken, angry, hurting, tired, worn out. There’s natural process.. an anthropological history of retreat & recovery. These present days, the challenge is ministry to the fringe. The art of holding on so that others don’t have. Holding on so that others have permission to let go.
Where is my theological framework for this kind of ministry though? It feels human and natural, so my understanding of creation and humanity wants to allow for it. There are others who are prescribing counsellors and all sorts of healing methodology. So… for the wounded and the hurting the challnege is to create enough spaces on the fringe, that healing can take place whilst holding on to a continuous line. A thin fishing line that holds the thrashing, the tension, the struggle of the pain. A line to hope, a line to connection. It’s holding on while still allowing room for full expression, the heaving, groaning pain of grief, the torture of sorrows.
We concentrate so much on community that happens at the centre, but perhaps it is the community at the fringe where Christ is encountered most, in the shades of grey and the unknowns, when life isn’t easy, when community at the centre isn’t the answer.
by tashmcgill | Jan 11, 2008 | eastercamp, god ideas, Uncategorized
There’s a humming in my heart today, a listlessness I can’t shake. It’s been a day of busy meetings and ideas, churning through deadlines and ideas but the whole time there is a soundtrack playing in my head that matches the rhythm of my heart.
Maybe it’s blue skies, maybe it’s the proud sadness of the harbour bridge flags at half-mast for Sir Edmund, maybe it’s the smoky asphalt sticking to the soles of my jandals and the familiar rub of skin delicately peeling from my shoulders.
Maybe it’s the delicious closeness of my favourite season of the year. It could be the impending nuptials of dear friends, perhaps the sense of newness within myself. It could be the slip of the tongue that I’m storing up in my heart, and the word of the Lord that has birthed hope within me again.
Either way… this is the fragrance of summer, isn’t it? The hope and fullness of it all. Gladness, sadness, pain and fragility all in the same breath, all in the same living room.
Colour In The Kingdom
More than thinking about the roles of geography in the coming Kingdom, I’m really fascinated by the role that skin colour plays. I’m fascinated to think about how we communicate and birth a new sense of relationship, value and understanding between groups of people in the context of Eastercamp. Everything that we do still feels not good enough, too tokenistic to be really progressive in creating a celebration of multi-cultural identity.
What even is a multi-cultural identity in the context of kingdom values, kingdom culture, kingdom identity? Do colour barriers, socio-economic barriers (not always the same) simply fade away? Does the Christ of the Gospels unify the ethnic diversity under Roman rule or simply tolerate it within a broader understanding of what’s to come? What’s the Scriptural mandate for celebrating and identifying as part of a people group other than Jew or Gentile?
by tashmcgill | Jan 10, 2008 | god ideas, Uncategorized
I’m sitting under a tin roof on a hot summer night, waiting for the rain that I can hear gathering in the skies above me. The wind is starting to wrap itself around my wee house with shuddering power, impending force. I long for the wind and the rain in this moment, when the air is humid and heavy with expectation. Something physical needs to break to relieve the tension within the atmosphere. When the rain comes, it’s going to beat and thrash down upon my roof and as it rides a rhythm over my head, my heart will hear the beat and learn to breathe again, I’m sure.
The environment is thick and heavy at the moment. I’ve come home into a mountain of work and a mountain of interpersonal pain and sorrows unfolding with people that I love so dearly. It’s so heartwrenching to see so much pain and darkness, so much shadow casting doubt and confusion. My heart and head is screaming out for truth and light, knowing that nothing is so bad in the knowing that is can’t be better than the endless fear of not knowing and ignoring.
It feels as if there are some who are dear to me, lost in a cavern where Grace is entirely absent. If you listen to Bomo at all, you’ll know that Grace is so important to our existence as human beings, without it we perish first in heart, then mind, body and soul. I am yearning for Grace in the light and in the darkness, and for one to illuminate the other and healing to burst forth like the noon day sun.
just tell me honestly and quick now
everything on your mind, clouding up the sky
breaking my heart is not so easy,
my grace allows
the darkness and the strife,
my heart stays in the light listening to
the thunder start to roll
but still i know, you’re worth it in the end
and the storm above can blow
but close i’ll hold you so
until forever is something we both can recognise
along with the colour in the sky
return to blue
Bring healing, to this place and these people. Amen.
Stop Apologising For Yourself, Please.
We were filming today for a client, creating some nice little films of people sharing their stories. To my ongoing horror, our poor subjects continually apologised for themselves, over and over and over again. These are accomplished and capable people.
Is it that we have created such a culture of compliance to constructive criticism within the Church at large, we have forgotten how to simply relax and be good at anything? More importantly, we’ve learnt to take everything too seriously instead of relaxing into the fullness of our being. How much it grates me to think of apologising for an as yet imperfect work still in the hands of the Master.
There are so many with whom I just want to say… breath. You are just so fine as you are, don’t be in so much of a hurry to rid yourself of the delightful faults that make us human – that you lose all the character you were born with! darned Kiwi psyche that robs people of their natural worth and instills this church-born false mythology of modesty, inverted pride and ruthless self-centredness. It’s more than that though…
We become so dependant on those whom we rely on for honest evaluation, that we almost allow ourselves to be critiqued to death. The earnest and well meaning search for perfection becomes engrained in our self-awareness, our confidence able to be undermined in a single moment. It robs from our humanity, steals from our soul and can cause us to squander that which is most powerful within us .. our very own voice. When did we become so uncertain and ashamed of our own voices? When did we begin to seek such strong validation of that which we long to speak but so often do not say?
When did we, blessed with a Grace unsurpassed, being living in the context of Grace unknown? To fully embrace the practice and presence of Grace in our lives, first we must know and accept our need of it, our ability and willingness to make mistakes.
A Prayer Then…
That each of us would in turn, know our voice better than ever before, with fullness of tone, of intention, of expression. That we would, with much courage, speak and live fearlessly.. balancing our construction with our resurrection into this Jesus-life, that effortlessly makes space for Grace.
Song Of The Moment : Sorry To Myself
By Alanis Morissette
For hearing all my doubts so selectively and
For continuing my numbing love endlessly.
For helping you and myself: not even considering
For beating myself up and over functioning.
To whom do I owe the biggest apology?
No one’s been crueller than I’ve been to me.
For letting you decide if I indeed was desirable
For myself love being so embarrassingly conditional.
And for denying myself to somehow make us compatible
And for trying to fit a rectangle into a ball.
And to whom do I owe the biggest apology?
No one’s been crueller than I’ve been to me.
I’m sorry to myself. My apologies begin here before everybody else.
I’m sorry to myself. For treating me worse than I would anybody else.
For blaming myself for your unhappiness
And for my impatience when I was perfect where I was.
Ignoring all the signs that I was not ready,
And expecting myself to be where you wanted me to be.
To whom do I owe the first apology?
No one’s been crueller than I’ve been to me.
And I’m sorry to myself. My apologies begin here before everybody else.
I’m sorry to myself. For treating me worse than I would anybody else.
Well, I wonder which crime is the biggest ?
Forgetting you or forgetting myself…
Had I heeded the wisdom of the latter,
I would’ve naturally loved the former.
For ignoring you: my highest voices.
For smiling when my strife was all too obvious.
For being so disassociated from my body,
And for not letting go when it would’ve been the kindest thing.
To whom do I owe the biggest apology?
No one’s been crueler than I’ve been to me.
And I’m sorry to myself. My apologies begin here before everybody else
I’m sorry to myself. For treating me worse than I would anybody else.
I’m sorry to myself. My apologies begin here before everybody else
I’m sorry to myself. For treating me worse than I would anybody else
by tashmcgill | Jan 9, 2008 | Uncategorized
Song Of The Moment : Bless The Broken Road
by Rascal Flatts
I set out on a narrow way many years ago
Hoping I would find true love along the broken road
But I got lost a time or two
Wiped my brow and kept pushing through
I couldn’t see how every sign pointed straight to you
Every long lost dream lead me to where you are
Others who broke my heart they were like northern stars
Pointing me on my way into your loving arms
This much I know is true
That God blessed the broken road
That led me straight to you
I think about the years I spent just passing through
I’d like to have the time I lost and give it back to you
But you just smile and take my hand
You’ve been there you understand
It’s all part of a grander plan that is coming true
Every long lost dream lead me to where you are
Others who broke my heart they were like northern stars
Pointing me on my way into your loving arms
This much I know is true
That God blessed the broken road
That led me straight to you
There Now, Home At Last
I’m finally home – and Soul Survivor was fun, despite the homesickness at the beginning. There were significant connection points that grounded me and made me feel at home. Then home came running after me as the brokenhearted cried. The silence of my friends came like a heavy weight on my heart. This pain grieves me so.
by tashmcgill | Jan 8, 2008 | eastercamp, god ideas, Uncategorized
Or Leaving Fielding.
Here is a story that started out a long time ago, and left it’s first chapter here. Another chapter begins here, where I’ve been part of the Soul Survivor world for five days. In a mere 72 days, Sam will enter the Eastercamp world where Marko was in 2007 and where Stu always has a place.
After this weekend, there are even more threads in the weaving, including old friends who are new youthworkers, and old friends who are being made new… and everything in between. The Lord has been good this week, with lots of healing happening in the lives of people around me.
Tonight I was watching Sam preach and I couldn’t keep the smile from growing bigger and bigger on my face. There is something so good and precious happening in his gifts that I can’t wait for the story to keep going at Easter. I was so stoked to hear him this weekend. Yay. Ok, enough ranting and raving.
We’re going to leave in about half an hour for the long trek back to Auckland, where I expect to encounter dawn somewhere. I’ll take a pause whereever we are at that point, and give thanks.
