by tashmcgill | Oct 18, 2012 | Culture & Ideas
“…Thus, our humanity became defined by the collection of transactions in which we traded peace, war, love and chaos.
We hoped for triumph, we landed in despair. Then we began again.”
We are in the wild days. Not the wilderness, or a desert or a walkabout gone on too long. No, these are the wild days and the wild nights – it’s we who have become the untamed, the unleashed, the unhindered, the uninhibited. We have loosed our bonds or had them loosened so we have redefined ourselves without boundaries and cast ourselves out into the endless wondering of possibility, the freedoms of being unconstrained.
We have hoped to be brave enough to say “nothing is forbidden” but we are bound in by fear, regardless. We are in the wild days but our hearts are wrestling for constraint.
Wild/wīld/
Adjective: (of an animal or plant) Living or growing in the natural environment; not domesticated or cultivated.
Adverb: In an uncontrolled manner: “the bad guys shot wild”.
Noun: A natural state or uncultivated or uninhabited region.
Synonyms: adjective. savage – mad – feral noun. wilderness – waste
We live in boundaries, in a series of social norms that provide a sort of governance. Beyond these norms, when they are stripped away and discarded, no longer functional or necessary – we fear and risk losing ourselves. We try to replace boundaries, to redefine and reestablish them in hope of finding our secure footing again.
But often the last time we were on the loose without these boundaries was adolescence. In adolescence we treated boundaries with disdain but discovered ourselves by them. Too harsh and we rejected them, too soft and we bowled them over emerging somehow into our first adulthood. So now, we seek out our new rules, our new fences by the same methodology we employed then. Sensationalism, expression, exploration and extremism. We live on high alert, our senses ready and receptive. Still, now is not the time to re-imagine our awakening into adulthood. Once landed there, despite an absence of the boundaries we knew – it’s time to redefine ourselves into adulthood.
Perhaps the final stages of growing up, is redefining yourself into adulthood the second time around. It might be your quarter-life, mid-life crisis, your divorce, a faith crisis, the death of a loved one, an addiction or just boredom that launches your redefining moment. But never have you been more ‘be-coming’ than in that moment of coming home to yourself, in the last rendition.
We are fearful of the wild. The wildness within us, the wildness around us, the wildness of others. Our boundaries, social or otherwise, are our great defensive blockade against the wild. As husbands and wives, we harness each other up to prevent the wild from breaking loose. We employ rules like, “don’t a say a word, if it won’t be nice”, because in the unloosing of our tongue – the wildness might escape.
But I am not afraid of the wild. I long for the wild.
late in the night
i wake, dreaming
saying to myself over and again
‘don’t try to tame the wild one’
then i dream on waking
asking myself which fence to build
which gun to load and thus
hear the lion roar, feel the tiger’s claw
no one ever tamed the wild one.
Don’t build fences, dig deep wells. That is my philosophy of love, loyalty and passion. The concept is self-explanatory – don’t make rules to keep, control or constrain people just create places of deep refreshment that draw people back to the centre.
Here’s why I’m not afraid of the wild within. My well is deep. The tiger in me is well-satisfied. I am at home. Be at home with yourself and the wild within. Don’t build fences, don’t rely on the boundaries. Learn to live from deep within the well. Learn to live in the wild, with the wild, out of the wild.
by tashmcgill | Mar 17, 2010 | Uncategorized
If I ask church leaders what they feel the most important theology of our time is to people today, I’m consistently surprised when they talk about salvation, end times, church leadership and doctrine issues.
Here’s my pick:
There is Hope. You are part of this Story. Hold On.
by tashmcgill | Nov 12, 2009 | Church, Uncategorized, youth ministry
I originally posted this Women in Youth Ministry article at the Youth Specialties blog. But it’s generated some interesting conversation, which I think is worth broadening the horizons on!
So… here goes. Feel free to comment here or at the original post, but I’d love your thoughts, regardless of whether you’re a man or woman in youth work!
How Women in Youth Ministry Can (Totally, Effectively & Compellingly) Work with Boys.
I’m not afraid to admit that girls scare me. I grew up as the eldest daughter in a set of three, in a mostly single parent home (Mum). Yes, I carried some extra responsibilities, and I didn’t always have much time or interest in make-up, fashion and other ‘girly’ stuff. When faced with being the small group leader of a set of 14 year old teenage girls, who wanted to do nothing but sleepovers, makeover parties and shopping – I freaked out. What can I say? I love working with middle school, teenage and young adult guys. It’s not always easy, there are some minor and some major differences in communicating and working with guys but I can absolutely testify to some of these relationships being the most rewarding and surprising of my youth ministry career.
At NYWC in Cincinnati, I hosted a conversation for women in youth ministry and these topics came up a couple of times. So, I thought it would be great to share some tips, some experiences and encouragement if you’re a youth minister or a volunteer working with guys in your youth ministry.
1. Finding confidence in yourself.
When you’re the person that’s there and available – you’re the one who can make a difference. Being confidence to your interactions with any young person is going to be really helpful, regardless of gender. But with boys especially – if you feel confident in yourself, you’ll be able to focus more on the young person and less on what you’re getting “right or wrong”. In order to get there – focus on what you know and what you need to know. There are some great resources out there – specifically Teenage Guys by Steve Gerali – to help you get a handle on what guys are experiencing. This is valuable youth ministry info! Start to gather this information AS WELL AS reflecting on your own experiences to look for patterns, insights and understanding. As with any youth ministry situation – identify specific insecurities and triggers and then proactively look for solutions or understanding to help you move past it. Keep working on this and your confidence will grow. If nothing else, remember that hundreds of women youth workers have had life-changing impact working with teenage guys – so can you.
2. Talk shoulder to shoulder.
Heather Ameye-Bevers was the first female youth pastor I ever worked with. So naturally, I asked her for some of her most valuable tips. This one is hers: “..the old adage that it’s important for girls to talk eye to eye but to talk to a guy it’s better to talk shoulder to shoulder. While you’re playing sport, walking somewhere or you’re setting up youth group stuff, work on something together. Talk to guys then so that it’s not as confrontational or uncomfortable.”
Talking shoulder-to-shoulder allows you to create rapport, relationship and respect for one another. Engaging in that kind of relationship gives you the opportunity to then talk eye-to-eye. Remember that as guys get older, they’ll be more willing to talk about deeper stuff – but don’t feel that you’re only being significant if you are having “deep & meaningful’s” all the time. Often with girls, you’ll be used to talking around and around and around whilst feeling like you’re getting nowhere. With boys, a few words at the right time can often take you miles. Being interested in what they’re interested in will make a huge difference – and you’ll sometimes be surprised. Not all meaningful ministry with boys is about football or girls! Sometimes it’s music, books, a particular subject that you have common ground on.
3. Find creative ways of working with the ‘important’ stuff – physical touch, playfulness, passion and word count.
So – physical touch and playfulness are really important parts of working with guys as they grow up! And then, there’s all the sexuality stuff. Some basic tips:
– Make space for healthy touch, by playing sports, games, get in amongst it. In addition, create some vocal cues for ‘impromptu’ rumbles and tag matches. If you’re able to encourage and be the whistle-blower (literally, give the signal that they have permission to create chaos for a few minutes), you’ll gain massive yards and lots of ‘fun’ in your relationship with your teenagers. Helps with the playfulness.
– When it comes to passion & sexuality – don’t ignore the subject, just because they’re male. Also – be really careful about presuppositions about adolescent male sexuality. The stereotypes are not all they’re cracked up to be, so LISTEN more than anything else. It’s a privilege to be able to speak about this stuff with guys, so honor that by letting them express their stories and thoughts as they are ready. You have a great position to be able to offer insight into female sexuality and it’s connection to love & relationships. Regardless of whether you’re single or married, the way you talk about sexuality with guys may differ than with girls, but it’s still the same content – healthy heart, healthy relationships, healthy sexuality. Don’t be distracted by the gender question. You’ll be amazed how much a little direct speaking will gain you in confidence and trust with guys.
– Word count. Women love to tell stories. It’s a stereotype but we generally have a tendency to communicate in narrative far more than men do. So – remember that mastering word count is key! Speak directly about the ideas you’re wanting to communicate. And often, the fewer words the better.
4. Dealing with infatuation, love & relationships.
What happens if one of my students is physically inappropriate or has a crush on me? What if I develop feelings for a student/volunteer/youth pastor/mentor? What about dating and trying to start a new relationship? What if I’m the new girlfriend of the youth pastor?
– Boundaries, boundaries, boundaries. You need to have healthy self-awareness and people to process that with (not volunteers!), as well as an observant eye for boundaries in other youth ministry relationships – students and other volunteers, students and yourself. But again, don’t be driven by the paranoia either. This is the exception, not the norm – so don’t let the fear of this stuff over-influence the direction and focus of your ministry. A good rule of thumb here is keep the main thing, the main thing.
– Don’t meet one-on-one in private – public places are great for those conversations (and you can totally meet with a male student or volunteer!). Make sure you have an open diary – document as much as you can, or feels reasonable and discuss this with your supervisor or lead pastor, so they know what your plan is. Transparency is key.
– When a student is physically inappropriate (holds a hug too long etc), what’s inappropriate is determined by YOU. Then you need to communicate it, but in a way that’s non-destructive to the relationship and especially non-humiliating to the teenager. Use humor to diffuse in public settings ie: “Hug…2….3…and release!”. Narrate it out loud. Or, if they’re super confident.. “Hey, I know I’m cute, but I’m outta your league!”
A story from a female youth pastor:
“If you think th
ere’s something up ie: you or they are trying to spend a lot of time alone, txting late at night, you think about them overly much, they are making strange comments to you, looking at you funny – if you suspect you have a crush on them or vice versa – Warning!!!! Go talk to your supervisor asap, avoid deep personal conversations, always have a crowd around, don’t be a egg and talk to them about your feelings for them – you may as well shoot yourself in the foot. Be smart about technology as you should already as a professional youth worker – don’t private chat on Facebook, Twitter, MSN, txt. Sometimes it happens. You feel certain things – my advice is to live smart in the first place, but if you experience weird thoughts or feelings or do strange things –
1. Acknowledge it immediately to yourself.
2. Bring it into the light with a trusted professional supervisor.
3. And then keep going doing the amazing work you have been doing.
If you keep it hidden in the dark it will grow and make your life a misery, it will leave you with regrets and might even take you out of ministry. That is a scary place to be. I know I ‘ve been there. Several years ago when I was young and stupid I dated one of my youth leaders who was 4 years younger that me. It all started because I enjoyed the buzz that came when I started receiving daily txt messages from him. Instead of deleting them and talking to someone about how i was feeling, I went with the flow, txt turned to visits, turned to outings, turned to dating then to a romantic and unwisely physical relationship. I abused my role as a leader and carried the relationship on to its disastrous conclusion which left him broken and hurt. I felt unable to minister in that church, I felt unworthy and rotten inside.”
– Be aware that when starting new relationships, dating or going through relationship trauma, you want to remember NOT to do your immediate processing with your young people. Often it’s helpful to share our lessons learned as reflections or insights, but moaning or rejoicing about your new relationship probably isn’t the best bet. Also – your students may be jealous or anxious about losing your attention as often you are a primary relationship in their life, regardless of whether you’re opposite gender. Be conscientious of how hostility, anxiety and fear might be expressed in your ministry and openly address those fears. Also, if you’re the partner of the youth pastor – you may face some jealousy on part of the students. Build unique relationships and be reassuring that students won’t “lose” their youth pastor.
– Especially as your students grow older, be conscious of helping them grow into great men. Advice on women, relationships, being straight-up about when they’re being a jerk, immature, getting smelly or when they’ve made you exceptionally proud are precious and great moments. In addition, the youth ministry relationship that grows into genuine friendship is priceless beyond compare and JUST as likely to happen with your teenage guys as with your teenage girls..
5. Can my youth ministry mentor be a guy?
This really depends on what you’re looking for from your mentoring relationships. There’s a lot of wisdom in looking for holistic mentors who can help you process all aspects of life – relationships, career, personal development, sexuality, work. It’s always great if you can find a same-sex mentor because it saves some effort and work and precautions.
However, 3 out of 4 of my greatest mentors in life have been men, really exceptional, Godly, trustworthy men. The So it’s been completely safe to establish mentoring relationships that were for specific purposes. So, if you have no options and you’re looking for skills-based professional development – a lot of the same boundaries rules apply – but this can work. One of the major things that makes this a winner or not – is whether or not you are a trustworthy woman. That means having transparency and good self-awareness, in case you are the one that crosses the boundaries!
Also – remember that some things are actually best processed with a professional counselor, therapist, psychiatrist or spiritual director. Don’t be afraid to look for the specific help you need.
6. This is worth it!
Seriously, this is worth it. It’s worth it to go through the tough stuff of being a female youth worker with guys. How the rewards come can be very different, but the outcome is still the same – young people who love Jesus and have meaningful faith in practice in their lives. Years on, I love the meaningful and close friendships I have with some of my graduated students, because you can make a difference and they’ll certainly let you know when you have.
There is some great stuff to have fun with.. rites of passage, boys weekends, lots of helping hands on deck for youth ministry camps and retreats (you can play the “girl” card for instant man-up factor!). Don’t be intimidated, just get educated both generally (read some books! have some conversations!) and specifically (analyze your specific youth group culture).
As always – when you get stuck, if you have questions or you learn something great along the way = shout it out to the other youth workers that are travelling the same path.
Now – I’d love to hear your stories!
by tashmcgill | Dec 30, 2004 | Church, emerging church, god ideas, Prayers, Spirituality, worship, youth ministry, Youth Work
A Dangerously Long Comment on Fallout from the “Emerging Church”…
Here is the genesis of my dialogue, plus some. From Steve’s site. I’m gonna go out on a limb and say that I don’t think Steve himself is actually being attacked. And I think that Lynne’s fruit counts, and is valid.
The danger is.. that people get all caught up in it being one way or the other. There are a couple of very ‘Modern’ pastors at my church, who have read the Emerging books and now think that’s how we should do church.
Some thoughts on to Emerge or not Emerge.
Exegete the culture of your community. Who are the not-yet followers? Tell the story in their language, and celebrate the story in the language of your community. That’s what our explorations should be based upon.
We are storytellers. Employ whatever means you like to tell the story, there is no set way.. jsut know that for some people they will like to skip to the end, some like to read for themselves, some like the same story told the same way over and over. We have the freedom to do that, so long as we tell the right story, it doens’t have to be about telling the story right.
Well, doesn’t this one come close to home?
I think, read and observe, that proponents of the Emerging Church do carry this ideology close to their hearts. So it’s almost understandable how things quickly seem to become viscious and snide. It’s why the blogosphere is a great place to air ideas, but only if you have a thick hide. Much like print media, you have to accept that someone will always read and interpret in a contrary tone. So the suggestion of coffee is a good one, but the suggestion of an open forum is also excellent.. and inevitably the kind of exercise that will hopefully bring widespread productivity to these discussions.
As a relative new kid on the block in terms of ministry, theology and experience, it’s easy to feel like you don’t have anything relevant to add, but.. I am living and breathing in the generation that is meant to be delighting in their ’emerging’ nature, and I don’t really see a lot of it. My peers can talk about the ideology, but their practice of worship, community etc, remains unchanged. And I am a proponent of the Gospel, so I shall endeavour not to focus my energy on changing the way we do church, but working to ensure that however we do church, it’s relevant to our immediate context.
We are storytellers. Employ whatever means you like to tell the story, there is no set way.. jsut know that for some people they will like to skip to the end, some like to read for themselves, some like the same story told the same way over and over. We have the freedom to do that, so long as we tell the right story, it doens’t have to be about telling the story right.
In a congregation that does experiment from time to time, I count more failures in our experiments than successes. That is a lot to do with my weaknesses, for sure. But I also think it has a lot to do with the fact that a lot of so-called ’emerging’ practice isn’t simply not relevant or connective with the people I am ministering too. It’s relevant to me. But then, so is a major rock’n’roll concert. Here am I, caught in a parallel. Sometimes I like church to be like a rock’n’roll show too.
I work as part of the team organising a youth gathering that’s highly evangelical. Here’s what I’ve learned that’s still true about youth culture..
- big is beautiful, in fact sometimes size really does count.
- sometimes celebrating small is easier in the context of a large gathering.
- hype is sometimes just fun, and that’s ok.
- stages that look great don’t have to dominate the landscape of the message.
- Stages that look great make sense to kids.
- it’s an uplifting experience for kids to see a God who is working, real and relevant in the lives of their peers across the country.
- Arty kids and sporty kids, extroverts and introverts can all find expression and a sense of belonging in a big kick-ass event.
In the five years between adolescence and young adulthood.. what are we really expecting to change?
My environment is a challenging one, because things are openly critiqued, vigorously so. Not much is done just for the sake of it. But it’s an open critique that has a good motive underneath it. We are responsible for ministering to, leading and opening up doors for longtime, middle-aged, newbie and no-yet followers of Jesus, and the way we tell the story must bear all of those things in mind. So we experiment, but we try and do it with wisdom.
I, for my part, respect the fact and the manner with which our national leader is engaging and endeavoring to dialogue on these issues. It seems wiser and safer to me than others who seem to delight in picking up the books, and immediately wanting to leap into implementing new worship styles. It speaks to me of being all things to all men, and a willingness to put the needs of others ahead of self. After all… there are many ways in which I can connect with God, but I care much more about how my sisters, my neighbour and my friends will connect with His Story. That is the overwhelming, pressing urge on my heart.
When emerging fits for them, that’s great. And when they go to Hillsong and love it, that’s great. And wherever they find the truth of the Gospel, that’s the answer to my prayers and the cry of the Kingdom.
For the sake of the Kingdom, we need to, and I implore all.. to humble ourselves enough to admit, we all need God to lead us and speak to us through one another.
In the States recently, I saw a lot of creativity for creativity’s sake that was more about artisitic expression, than about relevant spiritual engagement. It was as off-putting, stale and inauthentic as some of the more theologically inaccurate mega-congregations I could attend in Auckland or Sydney. And it was at one of the flagship Emerging Churches. Which throws up lots of questions for me in regards to what Emerging Church really does look like, feel like, sound like. In terms of production values, and performance intensity, speaking with some of the practitioners there revealed remarkably similar values to a Hillsong, or large-scale ‘Modernist Icon’ church.
Some of the congregations that we read about, happily denote that the success story of what they are doing is the numbers of faithful who are retaining ther faith, staying in Christian community, being discipled. But Both-And tension is so vital here, because as a youth worker I have a responsibility to communicate the importance and relevance of the Gospel for us and others, and if we do not value the numerical growth as well as spiritual growth of our ministries we are in trouble. In the ministries I have participated in, people leaving, or people sitting and not participating or engaging with the mission are signs of trouble. Celebrate the raspberries, and remember to plant lots of them.
I am in a ministry context that is experimenting with some different approaches to worship, communication and community. Some things work well and become meaningful, many do not. I am a keen experimenter, but I count more failures than successes with my work. Why? Because I read and think and talk.. and it suggests that there are ways my congregation ought to be engaging, or would like to engage.. the reality is that they don’t. When we create and invite them into those spaces and experiences.. more often than not, it doesn’t carry meaning when part of our services. It’s the same over a small but significant number of congregations that I have participated in and/or observed on a micro-level.
But we have some great sports teams. Touch teams that participate in community tournaments, smaller community groups going to the beach together, adventure sports together and more recently.. lawn bowls for young adults. It has all the elements we emerging ones love.. embracing nature, community, participation, the old and the new, it’s embracing and inviting, it’s evangelical by way of relationship.
So whilst church with candles, symbols, prayers, words, images, darkness and light works really well for me, I also have to accept that the majority of these supposedly ‘post-modern’ young adults who all connect really well with the ideology in their heads.. actually prefer the practice of community that looks more like Hillsong, or CLC or CCC. It’s simple, and understandable. It’s accessible to the masses.
Swing to the other side of the pendulum. So much of our emerging energy seems to get spent up on healing and restoring those who didn’t do mainstream church well, those who didn’t fit. Read the blogs, the books, listen to the seminars. There are a lot of church folk out there who just are looking for a way of doing church that suits them. It will always be that way, but I don’t think we will ever have an entire generation that will pick up the post-modern flag and wave it on a hilltop. And there are some people who need to stop preaching that message. And it shouldn’t ever be that way, because all of this debate comes dangerously close to pulling us away from the task at hand..
Lord, hear the cry of your Children
We are weak, we are limited in understanding
Grant us your eyes to see and ears to hear
For the sake of the Kingdom, may we strip ourselves away
For the sake of Your name, may there be nothing left
For the sake of those who do not yet know Your Love
Make us humble at the feet of our brothers and sisters
Teach us to learn from those around us
Teach us to walk in Your ways
Refocus our eyes, change our lens
Cleanse from us the sin of pride
In a world where there are many Right Ways
Simply help us to avoid the Wrong Ways.
In a world where there are many Voices
Help us to listen wisely, and to speak more so.
For the sake of the long-time, middle-aged, newbie and not-yet
For the sake of Us, the Followers
Tell us again the Story of finding and feeding sheep.
Find us, feed us again.
