by tashmcgill | Sep 2, 2008 | Culture & Ideas, Spirituality, Youth Work
There are certain ways that societies organise and arrange themselves .. in facing my recent changes in work and life.. one of the most significant passages of time was sitting with Renier Greef, co-author of this book and psychologist.
He told me the story of Medicine Man Chief, the ancient themes that echo in today’s world just as strongly.
Tribes arrange themselves around chiefs. The stronger the chief, the bigger the tribe. Chiefs have mini-chiefs. They are found at the centre of the tribe – the Chieftains house is always in the centre – the focal point of the tribe’s direction and leadership. Tribespeople need a chief, and chiefs need tribespeople in order to be a chief at all. The loyalty is chief to tribe, tribe to chief. They are dependant on one another for security.
Chiefs are good or bad, sometimes good and bad. They have a job to do – which is leading people, leading the tribe.
But there is another crucial and necessary person in the life of any people group – the Medicine Man. The medicine man never lives within the tribe. He lives on the outskirts, outside the city gates or simply travels in a nomadic fashion between tribes that require his services.
The medicine man isn’t loyal to the tribe or to the chief. He’s loyal to the Higher Truth. His is the business of healing. Of bringing truth to the tribe. As such, he has great influence and power. He can be magnetic and charismatic, just like a chief, but his loyalty to truth (which is ultimately for the sake and care of the tribespeople) will always be his highest priority.
But tell a story… where a chief, with a big tribe and lots of mini-chiefs all of a sudden discovers an illness within the tribe. A sickness that needs the services of a medicine man. An inground misbelief that needs truth spoken to it. He puts out the call to the medicine man, who comes, with all his knowledge and healing ability, all his concern for the tribespeople.
He sets to work bringing truth and light. Healing returns to the tribe, health comes forth in new and powerful ways. The medicine man operates outside of the usual systems. At first the chief is grateful for the good work of the medicine man. But eventually, the people come to recognize the skill of the medicine man. They begin to trust his ability to bring healing and wisdom to the way of the tribe.
Now the chief has a choice. A good chief will recognise the value of having a good medicine man in the tribe. He’ll work with him, forging trust. See, the medicine man doesn’t want to be the chief – he’s firstly loyal to the Higher Truth, then the people. The chief is loyal to the cause of the tribe, it’s strength and health. That’s where his prowess and manna as a chief comes from.
A good chief will work in healthy tension and trust with the medicine man, allowing him to do his work. The medicine man most wants recognition of his particular skill, the chief wants recognition as leader of the tribe, he wants loyalty.
A moderate chief will send the medicine man on his way, ensuring that his position of leadership within the tribe remains unthreatened, only to call on the medicine man again in the future.
A bad chief, simply sees the threat to his leadership and kills the medicine man.
When the chief kills the medicine man, everyone loses. At least when the medicine man is sent on his way, the knowledge of the medicine man remains accessible when it’s next needed. But when you kill the medicine man, the relationship is severed, there is significant loss to the tribe.
So… what am I? Where do I fit in? Where do any of us fit?
I’m a medicine man. Simple. But I’m also a medicine man who understands and appreciates the complexity of the chief’s role. I respect the chief’s job. But I don’t necessarily want it. In fact, my preference is much more as chief of the medicine men, schooling up a tribe of folks bred to bring healing and truth and light into many more tribes.
Sidenote: When a medicine man becomes chief.. they really become a benevolent dictator according to Greef. In other words, their way really is the only way, but because their way is primarily directed towards the health of the tribe, there is a healthy amount of trust and freedom available. In fact, some believe that Jesus, who came first as a medicine man when they were expecting a chief, will come again as a benevolent dictator… a dictator because his ways are right, but loved because of the rightness of his ways.
So I’m a medicine man that got killed…. because my ways were so different, but there is a huge strength within me to say .. they were the right ways. And I could never offer my loyalty to anything other than the Truth, the highest Truth.
Youthwork & The Medicine Man
So I wonder .. as youthworkers.. are we more likely to be chiefs or medicine men? Is there some clarity offered to the ages-old tension between seniors and youth pastors in the distinctions here? It’s true – some youth pastors are chiefs, but they are more likely to be grafted in as mini-chiefs, whereas the medicine men youthworkers who threaten the stability of loyalty and leadership within the tribe are the ones most likely to find themselves in conflict within a hierarchal structure.
What can be done? Well, for starters, understanding who you are is always going to be helpful… and then understanding certain circumstances that help or conversely hinder your ability to function within the organisations you find yourself.
Long-term pastors? Chiefs, who hopefully have learnt the value of their role and the role of medicine men within the life and vibrancy of the tribe. Short-termers? Medicine men who are there for a season.. I can think of a number of interim pastors who bring healing and hope to fragile commmunities for a season before moving on.
Lots of key ministry leaders are mini chiefs, who can align effectively with pastoral staff because they understand the structure of loyalty and respect they operate on. Medicine men struggle because they operate in different ways.
A bad chief often will think they can apply the same ‘medicine’ as the medicine man, hence repeating someone else’s good idea without the same healthy impact or effect. They, no longer ‘needing’ the medicine man, can send him on his way and thus maintain the security of their position within the tribe..
There are so many ways to think about this, apply it, unpack it and understand it. It may not all be right, but for now this is an important application for me as itinerant speaker, leader, creative pastor… i can bring my gifts and healing to multiple locations, whilst understanding now how to derail the fear of many chiefs.. “do they want my job?”.
by tashmcgill | Sep 2, 2008 | Uncategorized
I’ve had a front row seat to the strange ties that bind recently, watching and doing my best to speak truth into awkward situations between boys and girls. Loves and attractions that began so innocently and eventually became frail imitations of life-giving love.
How do you tell someone that their friendship is based on a web of lies, deceit, ill mental health and ugliness beneath a smile, turn of head and vivaciousness that catches their attention more than once?
How do you play the pessimist, the realist, the truthteller to the memory’s optimism as heartbreak plays out it’s long slow game? A sure sign of two hearts not in time, when they break at such a different pace, where one is left again breaking in the wake of truth.
What is it that draws one person to another? Curious attractions are these, beyond my understanding and knowledge…
How do you do these things and maintain an awkward intimacy and strange distance? My heart cannot feel or understand the heart of another nearly enough to share or embrace the pain in such a way as to have enough grace or mercy. I simply have to love my friend from the depths of my own self, speak truth from what I know and hope, that I am not breaking, hardening, losing something precious to us in the space and time of it.
Maybe there are some spaces that it’s better not be in the middle of? Maybe in the midst of these curious attractions.. it’s better not to be coloured by my presence here… I would rather be seen with clean eyes, unfiltered with bad taste.
I feel the edge of my tongue is too sharp, the weight of my words too much. I’ve waded into the midst of a pool, too deep, too dark, too murky for me to be here. There’s too much subtext and pain that causes me shivers.
The murkiness of the human character is often still too much for me. The heaviness too much to carry, to hold, to know.
I shouldn’t have been here, in this place for my heart feels too uncomfortable here.
Song Of The Moment : What If I
by Joshua Radin
What if you
Could wish me away
What if you
Spoke those words today
I wonder if you’d miss me
When I’m gone
It’s come to this, release me
I’ll leave before the dawn
But for tonight
I’ll stay here with you
Yes, for tonight
I’ll lay here with you
But when the sun hits your eyes
Through your window
There’ll be nothing you can do
What if you
Could hear this song
What if I
Felt like I belong
I might not be leaving so soon
Began the night believing
I loved you in the moonlight
So, for tonight
I’ll stay here with you
Yes, for tonight
I’ll lay here with you
But when the sun hits your eyes
Through your window
There’ll be nothing you can do
I could’ve treated you better
Better than this
Well, I’m gone, this song’s your letter
Can’t stay in one place
So, for tonight
I’ll stay here with you
Yes, for tonight
I’ll lay here with you
But when the sun hits your eyes
Through your window
There’ll be nothing you can do
by tashmcgill | Jul 29, 2008 | Uncategorized, youth ministry
Transactions In Forgiveness
There is a time when in momentum, you know you are called into tasks than are greater. There are elements of forgiveness that are precisely that – a task, in my life. A chore, requiring effort, with no reward or peace. There is no feeling, just numbness associated with some events of recent times – and whilst I know that to be a normal part of the healing process, I also recognise the voice that hollers to deal with things now.
There are ravenous wolves who long to hear the words “you’re forgiven” because it sates the soul, and I, understanding the depth of their need… selfishly have nothing to offer them. I cannot forgive from the heart, as there is no heart residing in that space currently.
So my forgiveness, I offer from a higher place and a deeper source – a choosing because it is required. This is a transaction of forgiveness – I’m choosing it because it’s necessary and made available to me by the gift first given to me. It is not easy, nor heartfelt with soft emotion. It’s transactional.
Transactional Relationships
There are relationships in life that are entirely transactional. You interact, transact and complete. You exit the relationship, or the relationship remains open but the boundaries are distinct and clear.. you might enquire after the wife and kids, but not necessarily know their names.
There are relationships that start transactionally and become more than that. You learn the kids names, you begin an awareness of the whole person. This is unusual in the corporate world I live in currently, yet remains an expected part of Christian praxis. It’s part of our connectedness to one-another. An intuitive sense at times, that we are more than the sum of our skills. That as people we all have something to offer one another.
But there comes a time, when the transactions that brought forth your ‘friendship’ cease, leaving the question of whether the friendship stands. When it doesn’t, how do you comfortably desist from that interaction? There is a time to acknowledge that seasons have passed and the context within which you sought to offer more of yourself to another has changed. Yes, this also has to do with forgiveness and moving on.
A psychologist recently asked me who I was, to describe myself in three hemispheres – I, We and Work. There have been significant changes in Work, which imply significant changes in We – I have unravelled parts of the network of relationships both transactional and otherwise that have been in my framework for nearly a decade. Relationships cease, hesitate, pause, fixate.
Delete
There is a freedom and breathing space that comes in hitting ‘delete’ and ‘remove’ of some of those nmes and relationships that both with and without pain become defunct and unnecessary. In some places, they simply cease to be productive or interactive relationships.
It closes doors and provides some retreating space to let wounds heal and things that have become numb warm again. I cannot remove those tendrils from all aspects – the hungry & greedy come creeping into my spaces because they cannot help the voyeuristic pleasure of my pain in close encounter. Still there is enough space in ‘delete’ and ‘remove’.. that transactions cease with finite goodness. I breathe.
by tashmcgill | Jul 18, 2008 | Uncategorized, youth ministry
I live at the bottom end of the world and a constant frustration as a youthworker within my particular denomination is a reliance on anecdotal youth ministry research versus applying the sciences that already exist and overlap a number of aspects of life for young people and those in the throes of adolescence.
In this particular case, my interest lately has been spurred towards trying to create a lay person’s understanding of the symptoms, behaviours and basic methodology for dealing a young person who may have Borderline Personality Disorder (BPD). In no way are these thoughts definitive – in fact, the opposite, they are challenging and just beginning to percolate in my mind. Whilst I’ve tried to source my information from reliable sources – my own ideas and theories are just that, and should in no way be considered anything other than ruminations on an shadow part of our youth culture, or challenges for youthworkers.
In a culture where mental health issues are increasing and the adolescent timeframe for chaos is expanding, my immediate concern is that traditional youth ministry and young adult frameworks do not allow enough space or information to deal constructively with these issues, that have broad community impact.
Advice from a former mental health nurse now working as a youth pastor, and a social worker specialising in mental health pushed me towards the BPD information. The motivation was looking for coping strategies both from a external pastoral management aspect, as well as coping strategies for those who were more closely intwined in relationship with the young person.
Further conversations alerted in my mind a peculiar phenomenon – both mental health workers reported a high incidence of this disorder, which is already primarily prevalent in young women aged 18 – 30, amongst Christians.
First – a completely incomplete summary of some key behaviours and trends.. it must be borne in mind that at best Borderline Personality Disorder remains a controversial and multi-faceted diagnosis with conflicting idealogies around best practice in treatment and diagnosis. There are many points where the research currently and widely available concurs, and many websites helpfully draw together the conflicting views for those that wish to explore the boundaries. I’m simply looking for common thread that can help in finding a simpler pathway forward.
(Links here, here and here were helpful in finding the common threads.)
Borderline personality disorder (BPD) is a serious mental illness characterized by pervasive instability in moods, interpersonal relationships, self-image, and behavior. This instability often disrupts family and work life, long-term planning, and the individual’s sense of self-identity. Originally thought to be at the “borderline” of psychosis, people with BPD suffer from a disorder of emotion regulation. While less well known than schizophrenia or bipolar disorder (manic-depressive illness), BPD is more common, affecting 2 percent of adults, mostly young women. There is a high rate of self-injury without suicide intent, as well as a significant rate of suicide attempts and completed suicide in severe cases. Patients often need extensive mental health services, and account for 20 percent of psychiatric hospitalizations. Yet, with help, many improve over time and are eventually able to lead productive lives.
While a person with depression or bipolar disorder typically endures the same mood for weeks, a person with BPD may experience intense bouts of anger, depression, and anxiety that may last only hours, or at most a day.
[NB: Whilst this is an important differentiation between depression and BPD, it is also helpful I think, in examining the moments of ‘depression’ in adolescent behaviour associated with more typical identity/independence/stress behaviours – this is different too, to an adolescent that may display different identity trends within the space of a day or week, depending on the socail context they are within.]
– vulnerability vs invalidation
– active passivity (tendency to be passive when confronted with a problem and actively seek a rescuer) vs apparent competence (appearing to be capable when in reality internally things are falling apart)
– unremitting crises vs inhibited grief.
Some of the more typical behaviours and general observational trends are noted below, including the priorities of values and distastes.
Dimensions
Here is a hypothetical profile, in terms of the five-factor model of personality, for Borderline Personality Disorder.
High Neuroticism
Chronic negative affects, including anxiety, fearfulness, tension, irritability, anger, dejection, hopelessness, guilt, shame; difficulty in inhibiting impulses: for example, to eat, drink, or spend money; irrational beliefs: for example, unrealistic expectations, perfectionistic demands on self, unwarranted pessimism; unfounded somatic concerns; helplessness and dependence on others for emotional support and decision making.
High Extraversion
Excessive talking, leading to inappropriate self-disclosure and social friction; inability to spend time alone; attention seeking and overly dramatic expression of emotions; reckless excitement seeking; inappropriate attempts to dominate and control others.
Low Openness
Difficulty adapting to social or personal change; low tolerance or understanding of different points of view or lifestyles; emotional blandness and inability to understand and verbalize own feelings; alexythymia; constricted range of interests; insensitivity to art and beauty; excessive conformity to authority.
High Agreeableness
Gullibility: indiscriminate trust of others; excessive candor and generosity, to detriment of self-interest; inability to stand up to others and fight back; easily taken advantage of.
Low Conscientiousness
Underachievement: not fulfilling intellectual or artistic potential; poor academic performance relative to ability; disregard of rules and responsibilities can lead to trouble with the law; unable to discipline self (e.g., stick to diet, exercise plan) even when required for medical reasons; personal and occupational aimlessness.
Motivations
Want to be free to pursue their desires while still getting dependency needs satisfied.
Behaviors
Behaviors which destabilize personal relationships, idealizing and devaluation of potential care givers and lovers, angry disruptions of close relationships, frantic efforts to avoid abandonment.
Intense unstable relationships in which the borderline is perceived to always end up getting hurt.
Repetitive self-destructive behavior, often designed to prompt rescue.
Chronic fear of abandonment and panic when forced to be alone.
Distorted thoughts/perceptions, particularly in terms of relationships and interactions with others.
Hypersensitivity, meaning an unusual sensitivity to nonverbal communication.
Habitual Passions
Desires/ Pleasures
relationship
romance
pleasurable experiences
attention
change
instability
crises
appearance of competence
entitlement
spending
sex
mood altering substances
fast driving
eating
shopping
entertainment
travel
partying
cooking
gambling
idealizing others
devaluing others
guilt
punishment
Fears/ Distresses
being alone
abandonment
loss
trusting others
deprivation
losing emotional control
mourning
unpleasant experiences
stability
regulation
routine
a dangerous and malevolent world
being powerless and vulnerable
being inherently unacceptable
discipline
Alarm Bells
Less than twenty minutes into my initial research – the succinct descriptions were raising alarm bells for me. In my own brief and unqualified psychology career (ie: i’m a youthworker), immediately I can think of 7 young women who all displayed prominent symptoms of this disorder over the tenure of my youth ministry involvement. Anecdotal yes, but still disturbing.
But where is the science, the research to back this up?
Why this high incidence among christian females, let alone increasing numbers across the board of this behaviour that wrecks havoc across lives and communities.
FallOut
The fallout of this disorder within communities and especially Christian communities that are upheld on foundational principles of unity, common understanding, truth and integrity, as well as common values that are primarily misaligned with some of the “habitual passions” described below is substantial.
The confusion, doubt and introspective questioning that enters even the surest of relationships can see the impact of one BPD case impact dozens within a community. The drive to meet the perceived needs can spiral the construction of a community into unusual and emotionally manipulated, dominated depths.
Unbelievably dangerous and destructive, the BPD sufferer is a victim themselves, and yet remains the perpetuator of so much of their own villainy. I’m juxtaposed to sympathetic position for the young, but increasingly those behaviours that when confronted and assisted show no signs of improvement or willingness to address the condition are potentially dangerous to themselves and others, that I am becoming less and less tolerant.
What does all this mean for youthworkers in particular?
The similarities between mild BPD symptoms and your average adolescent teenage girl are multiple. And it’s not just a condition of the femininine. However, the subtleties – the behaviour of ‘splitting’ whereby all things are simply all good or all bad, leading to idealisation and devaluation, is so closely linked in my mind to the journey and development of abstract & critical thinking so crucial to adolescent development, that I wonder about the relationship between them, and the factors or variables that could influence..
ie: destructive and repetitive devaluation of the BPD at home or within family constructs, that leads to idealisation of a “Rescuer” who primarily arrives in the form of a romantic interest (habitual passions kick in). Within modern western Christianity – this ideal would be supported by the idea of a “Mr Right”, who being perfectly matched by God to the BPD would satisfy all perceived needs and dependencies. The “all good” model. The BPD then goes in search of this, even from an early age. The more she fails to ‘find’ such fulfilment, the more indicting the condition and search becomes. The more corporate the “failings” of the common group of men (thinking here about the twenty-something phenom referred to once here and screams to me of some of these undertones)..
Mostly, I think it’s interesting for us in the Christian world because of the moral stance we take on sexuality pre-marriage. Where romance, sexuality and physical expression would be a very common form of expression for a typical BPD, within the Christian realm, do those behaviours become even more magnified with the additional of a demanding moral code in conflict with core values of a BPD? What further emotional spiral does this cause?
For youthworkers this article on Past, Present, Future from Youth Specialties in 2004, offers a brief overview of the changing face of mental health, young people and youthworkers and ..
Squidoo group.
So many questions.. and I’m pretty sure this is enough for somebody to write a thesis on. However, it shouldn’t be me, but I’m fascinated by the ideas.
What I’d love would be to see some more research, some more youthworker friendly and objective resource being supplied into youth work training and ministry environments that I’m sure are possibly causing more harm than good with traditional Christian counselling.
by tashmcgill | Jul 18, 2008 | Uncategorized
I just found out that a dear friend, mentor, advisor and beautiful woman of God has breast cancer. The quick, take action, get it out masectomy kind, with hopefully no requirement for chemo or radiotherapy..
But she is away from friends, a large portion of her family and I am lonely and sad for her, as well as amazed by her brave face, even though I’m sure the private one is much less so.
It made me realise that I am older now than my mother was when she lost her own mother, and she is older than her mother ever grew. I am so grateful for all the things I get to learn from, with and alongside my mother.
Of all the things a woman is capable of, this still astounds me – that we can bring forth life, nurture, shape, love and wrestle with that independent life.. forcing it through to it’s own maturity and independence, only to crave the connection and dependency within which it was created. This is paradox and mystery, the creation of the Divine at work again within us.
I learn so much about life, being, spirituality, humanity, connectedness from my mother. She is integrated and connected. She’s inspiring and strong and frustrating, she is my mirror, my opposite, my magnet, my strength, my weakness, my precipice and my landing in so many ways.
She teaches me all she has and leaves me to wander, then calls me back into line with a swinging thud… my heart aches for her when I am absent or she is far off, I adore her presence and feel all at once that she gives me wings and grounds me to a halt… wherein her embrace is tender, sharp, full of clarity, grace and consternation.
