Here’s what I wrote on Facebook this Valentine’s Day: just a thought about constructing love that lasts whatever the relationship context may be. I wrote it because I believe that Love is something made over time. It might begin in a moment or a series of moments – but for it to last it must be crafted, thoughtful, constructed, built, fixed, refashioned, renovated, added to over time with intention, creativity and purpose. It does not happen by accident. Love cannot be found, but Love comes looking for you.
“If you’re living, you don’t stand a chance. The closer you are the death, even more likely it will come chasing you down. Love will eventually touch you – then all you have to do is just keep it good, keep it true, keep it right. And if you will love (because love is a choice after all) – love someone who makes something. A maker understands that for a thing to last it must be crafted, thoughtful, constructed, built, fixed, refashioned, renovated, added to with intention, creativity and purpose.
A builder, bartender or baker.
Maker of music or sentences; vintner, brewer, distiller.
Code talker, developer, scriptwriter.
Team-builder, idea-shaper or fashion-maker.
A gardener, painter or craftmaker.
Someone who can make something from nothing or little at all.
For a hobby or a job; vocation or recreation matters little.
Making with hands, minds or voices.
The thing is not the art, the art is in the making.
Because the makers keep us connected to the creativity in the universe….. love someone who can make something, even if it’s eggs on toast.”
The modern mythology of love follows a mysterious lore by which we search it out and find the combination of ingredients that produces a ‘spark’, that when it’s right – will never die out, but gradually transform to meet our changing requirements over time.
This method of finding and remaining in love requires a nearly impossible mathematical feat: to align two unique personalities with compatible desires, mutual chemistry and a balance of interests and disinterests alongside an inclination toward mutual affirmation and preservation to construct a commitment (of sorts) over a period of time.
Mark Manson recently wrote a piece called Love Is Not Enough, that echoes this similar sentiment and calls out a few other factors, including the role of friendship in creating long-lasting love affairs.
As cliché as it may seem, perhaps the art of Love is less about finding and more about making? Compatibility is best sought out in the approach you both take to making something.. rather than what you see to find.
The art of making involves many things, not limited to
- thoughtful design
- observation, learning and adaptive change
- repeated cycles of learning, making, undoing, redoing, evolving
- decentralisation of self: to make a thing is to release it into the universe, devolving our control as Maker
- purpose or intention
- creativity, exploration, wonder
- application of skill
- acquisition of new skills
To think about making a relationship of any nature through the lens of this making process is a relatively new paradigm. Mostly, we hope for the magic and the ‘spark’ that sustains us through key foundational moments of any new (or old) relationship.
Attitude is Everything.
Whether you’ve learned how to make a decent omelette or how to construct a compelling sentence or you’re a fully-fledged artisan of the modern world: if you have the attitude of a Maker, you’re more likely to find lasting satisfaction in your relationships. You understand the investment; the balance of short and long term rewards. You know the value of making thoughtful design decisions versus ‘shooting from the hip’. You don’t intend to wing it, but you’re also happy to experiment with something unusual. You’re not going to approach relationships like a lucky dip, but with skill and precision. Society benefits from your knowledge of how to create something over time, with the right tools.
And then, sometimes magic happens. And you learn how to make the best omelette anyone has ever had. Ever.
Lastly, as I consider those I love most in this world – the beauty of Love is that whilst it’s expression may vary in the nature of relationships you create; it’s heart is the same. So you can proactively practice and refine your skill in ‘making’ love over and over again, regardless of the expression.
Yeah, I know what I did there.