by | Jul 19, 2005 | Uncategorized

She’s Moving On, She’s Coming Home, She’ll Be Here Soon
Dani is reminiscing about her Nashville days .. and calling to memory favourites posts. It’s so hard to believe that my dear dear precious friend is going to be sharing this hemisphere so soon. I know that Hans probably thinks that he’s winning the bonus round here, but it’s I that is blessed. So here’s a letter to my girl.. for all the world to see.

I miss you girlio.
Website queenie, roadie supreme.
I know that our words have been few these past days,
your head in boxes and arms around friends,
with tissues and tears and goodbyes.
My head swimming in busyness and life.. but
breathlessly waiting an ‘hello’.

The time between November and September has never felt as long,
as what it does waiting for you to arrive in my space
and start planting roots, and getting deep.

I can hardly contain the excitement of knowing that soon
You’ll never be more than 3 hours away.. and after all these years
that’s just like the blink of an eye.. as these few past weeks will
soon be, in light of all the days and words to come..

except that right now, it feels like forever, but forever is a long, luscious time
to be sitting here thinking.. I love you.

Precious, dear sweet other self, my heart beckons that you would come quickly
and we would find rest together from all the busyness.. and you would at last find Home, and know him well.

Important Things
A couple of the links that I’m about to put here are relatively old and have done the rounds before, so I’m archiving for my own sake, and to reference the fact that they have been part of conversation and thinking today.

Where you sit in terms of the Worlds Wealth Distribution can be done here at the Global Rich List

The World Hunger Quiz may just yet surprise you.

And the one that’s currently doing the rounds and makes for interesting beer café conversation.. Eccological footprints can be determined here at My Footprint.

Tributes
I have been a semi-regular at Small Ritual for a long time. He manages to cross lots of things together into a woven feast of words, graphics and ideas. Today I have found myself turning there with new ravenous eyes, and have soaked in thoughts that quench like rain. So.. here are a few of my favourite ‘Restorations’.

Doors

breathe, breathe, breathe, breathe, breathe, breathe, breathe, breathe, breathe.

Feel refreshed yet?

Then how about these reflections on youth ministry, church culture and focus?
One,
Two,
Three.

More Later.

by | Jul 17, 2005 | Uncategorized

Do You Ever..?

Do you ever wake up from dreaming and believe the dream for a few moments after you open your eyes?

Does it make the day feel a little better?

Lately when I’m dreaming my head is full of you, and mundane little things we do. And I can’t help but want to stay in bed all day, even if you’re just a fraud and only half of the self you are, when you are less than flesh, still you’re always nice to me… when I dream.

Isn’t it strange? The way the human mind works and the games it plays on us, poor unsuspecting conscious selves.. how the unconscious mind must be amused at how we go about our days, living half lives… shallow breathing, barely concieving of the game we are playing at, called Life.

Oh enter in, deep Spirit self, dive into the pool of Trouble that is living here, on this plant here with you, and you, and you.. dream-like you soothe my soul and rebirth confidence that all ends well, even though the flesh of it is troubled and intense.

Still, I trust, would rather be in this equation with you, than any other Mathematician even when you never say the things I want you to, makes your words your own.. for even though I’d write you a lyric that would melt my heart, I don’t need melting I just want you and the truth of it.. so don’t bend to my will…

Stay here… dreaming, stay here.. dreaming, stay here.. dreaming.

Cyclefish

Friday night was so indulgent.. Carlene and I went to see Cyclefish.. which considering the current state of the love in this hemisphere.. was amusing in itself. The crux of the plot is that Sam and Bex agreed to marry if by thirty, they hadn’t found anyone else. Sam returns from London at 31, remembers the agreement and chases her down for dinner, drinks and a rehash of the proposal. She denies, and he sues for enforcement of a verbal contract.

The first half had us absolutely in hysterics, the ridiculous differences between the way men and women approach love and all that jazz. The second half was still good, but not as brilliant as the first.

Then we went to Borders and pored over the bookshelves, although it was the giftbook section that was most amusing and fascinating for some reason!

Bibliomaniac
Can I find a word for addicted to bookshops? Apparently not.. at least not in 2 minutes worth of Googling. Anyway.. I think that I have a problem. Friday saw me spend approximately 4 hours in bookstores. Delightful, wonderful bookstores. No Whitcoulls .. but luscious bookstores with hard to find titles and high stacked shelves. I went to Unity books, Dymocks, Borders and University Press.

Stu has told me that I need to write a book, and secretly .. I agree with him, that deep in my veins is the capacity to write. There is ultimately the possibility that noone will read, but to write.. definitely it is within me to write. Composing passages of text and images that construct new worlds of thought and imagining for the reader.. a sort of spiritual carthaticism of biographical fiction, spiritual journalism and observation. A feast of a book that is both poetry and prose, fact and story, encouragement and challenge, tragedy and triumph.

Deep at the heart of my bookstore addiction, is the longing to compose words that will sit upon a shelf, and then rest in the hand of some young or old reader whose capacity for hope has been in some way, diminished.. and by means of their journey, my words to rebirth it.

Hmmm. Either that, or I should just write travelbooks. Mike and Lisa’s (my drummer and friend) imminent departure fills me with longings for distant shores and faraway seas. Walking past Sta Travel on Queen Street and seeing their offers for summer break working holidays makes me feel restless. I’m wanting to change the world and take a holiday in New Orleans with music, food, wine and a good friend or two.

Finally, The Sermon
Last night there was lots of cats away, and the mice were certainly playing. My band was on music, I was preaching.. it was fun. Just relaxed and casual. I spoke on the breath.. on breathing, on the Sacred space created by the breath of Life. I think it went ok. People were receptive and positive. So what more can you ask for? Should I post it? Should I not? Want to read it? Let me know.

I deviated from the script in a number of places, so I’m probably going to rewrite a transcript. Kevin called it ‘postmodern’ which may in fact be a synonym for ‘heretic’. But I like delving into the abstract and weaving truth into art.

The change in atmosphere was tangible though, with Al & Heather being in Wellington, Glen trapped in Pauanui due to road slips, Blue being catatonically ill. The whole service was left with Ben and I, and so was very casual and relaxed. It felt easy and simple. Experiment by accident.. but a pleasant discovery.

Song Of The Moment : You Might Die Trying
Dave Matthews Band

To change the world,
Start with one step.
However small,
The first step is hardest of all.

Once you get your gait,
You will walk in tall.
You said you never did,
Cause you might die trying,
Cause you might die trying.
Cause you—

If you close your eyes,
Cause the house is on fire.
And think you couldn’t move,
Until the fire dies.
The things you never did,
Oh, cause you might die trying,
Cause you might die trying.
You’d be as good as dead,
Cause you might die trying,
Cause you might die trying.

If you give, you, you begin to live.
If you give, you begin to live.
You begin, you get the world.
If you give, you begin to give
You get the world, you get the world.
If you give, you begin to live.

You might die trying.
Oh, you might die trying.
Yeah, you might die trying.

The things you never did,
Cause you might die trying;
You’d be as good as dead.
You never did.

The Bleeding Man
He must have had a hard weekend, because his head has been bleeding again, and as he hobbled up Elliot St ahead of me, I overtook him as he limped along, often resting on the side of the building. I want to do something for him, but on the return trip, I tried to catch his eye, in order to engage in some conversation, or ask him what I can do for him, whether or not he needs medical attention.. his eyes wandered over the sky. His fluttering eyes, unfocussed become my prayer .. that in the least of these, I see Jesus, and yet and still waiting to discover or realise the thing that He is searching for in this scenario. Be with my friend who limps along today, Lord.

Internal Bleeding
I am working for an executive recruitment agency. That’s fine for now, but long term I don’t think I could keep this up. There is a certain sadness that grows in me seeing the number of applicants that apply for positions, and the number that are turned down. Each one represents a family or a life dependant on income, possibly struggling, possibly hopeless. There is a different tone about some CV’s, the ones who have flitted from job to job, obviously looking for the right fit and purpose, others who have advanced through the ranks of one company, but in all of their faithfulness are now too old, too inflexible for the roles they are applying for.

There are the ones who have art degrees and hobbies that suggest they would have chosen a more nomadic existence creating, shaping and constructing artworks of any nature had they not been burdened with the pressures of supporting family and social structures and expectations 30 years ago at the onset of their ‘youth’. Makes me think about those of my friends who are ree

valuating career options and paths, and pray for them the strength and grace to find true calling and purpose and meaning in the tasks they take on as work.

The hardest are the interviews who come in, the ones whose style of dress tells you immediately whether or not they will make it through to a second round. Or the faceless emails from well-qualified Indians, Malaysians, Chinese, Koreans, Indonesians who cannot work to the level for which they are trained and experienced because the Anglo-Saxon equivalents blend into workplaces easier, and are more marketplace friendly.

On Friday I processed an application for trade finance role, from a highly trained and experienced Indian man. Graduated from the best university in India, and yet since his immigration here, has been working on the phone exchange for a taxi company. It hardly seems just or fair, and yet marketplace dictates that he will probably not get a shot. Not the recruiter’s fault either, just the faceless, heartless marketplace.

So even having preached with Maori proverbs last night, I become aware again this morning, that our multiculturalism is something for the next generation, not necessarily for us to experience in all it’s richness and depth. That’s something I would like to be different. I just feel too guilty about the colour of my skin to be in the recruitment business long term. Guilty also for my youth, guilty for the social constructs that shape lovely, curving, unique creatures into square and balanced boxes.

by | Jul 15, 2005 | Uncategorized

Administration First
I’m thinking about moving this site to a domain of it’s own. Mainly so that I can start to load additional pages etc etc. Categorise things a bit better, keep it tidier. I’m torn though, because that might then suggest that I’m taking my own writing here a bit too seriously. It’s hard to figure out the balance.

And then there are the considerations of what to actually call my domain.. there’s the obvious, but then, I’ve been wondering lately about whether or not, branding myself so strongly as tashmcgill is such a good idea.

Other Projects
One of the reasons this is coming up, is because with a good friend or two, we are planning to launch a NZ based web interface for resources, both hosting, directing and supplying. The flavour of this site will be distinctive in that it’s not just a list of references to pages that will undoubtedly be out of date and hard to navigate.

The idea is that we can use this, or offer this as a web interface for both idea development in terms of dialogue and discussion for both lay people and practitioners, as well as a directory and review forum for products in the NZ market. Youth ministry, young adult ministry, small group, general church, spirituality resources, personal spirituality resources and referenced to a NZ context. Big hopes for how it could be used to help people out.

Thinking
I have to preach on Sunday, which is an opportunity that both lifts me up and disheartens me. I’m constantly being thrust around at this point in regards to whether or not I’ve chosen the right message, am delivering it the right way.. whether I’m clear or too abstract.

Mostly I want preaching to be like attending a great live performance. I relate it to performance simply because I want the craft of my delivery to be so high, that people can’t help but be engaged on an emotional, intellectual, spiritual and physical level. Like going to a good show.. where it’s just been chords, melodies, harmonies and lyrics, but you’ve transcended in the 90mins you’ve been listening.

I would like very much for listening to me to be an engaging experience.. where the tribe of Windsor might feel just as revived and invigorated as you do from going to see a great movie or concert.

So .. can I take my heartfelt and sincere message, that is grounded in Scripture and theology, and shape it into a performance piece that will move and transform?

Ask me Monday. Or maybe ask them on Monday.

Ongoing Conflict Resolution
I was at a bit of a loss to talk about this earlier in the week. The interdepartmental crisis, that is. I wasn’t sure how to talk about it in a way that wouldn’t sound destructive rather than constructive.

But as the week has gone on, and emails have flown back and forth, conversations made, questions asked, attitudes readjusted and wisdom sought.. I think now is an okay time, to talk about my thoughts and reflections. To seek out understanding and some sort of lesson.

..This is a quote from someone else’s email, please respect that it’s outlining the issues, not attacking the subject, and consider that we hold all parties in utmost regard
it was disappointing that our open worship practice was cancelled. While some of the issues have been explained ..think that it was an unnecessary step because of unwillingness to compromise. .. Overall it was disappointing that such a good idea, (and from the number of people that needed to be contacted or turned away last night, also a well received one) was not given a chance to flourish through what seems to be just a lack of communication…we understand that the kids program have hired some expensive equipment…given the forum of what we were trying to achieve … don’t believe that we would have had any problems with equipment even being touched let alone damaged. If it was a case of someone guaranteeing to pay for any damage, to avoid this situation in the future, put my name down…Another issue is the way that the evening community was treated on Sunday night, …. there was a disrespectful attitude with the way that individuals were communicated to not to mention the congregation as a whole. To have a service on worship, with an extended period of worship at the end of the service ended in such an abrupt way felt like a bit of a kick in the teeth.. it also adds to disappointment where, just due to sheer coincidence, we had decided to make this practice an open one after such an excellent foundation had been laid by Brian on Sunday. I am also aware that sometimes as Christians we have another way of describing a ‘sheer coincidence’…
..at the end of the day I would like the hear that the practice was closed due to real and actual concerns for the holiday program and the equipment that they were using and a communication breakdown around this area, rather than a case of us rolling over because in the situation it is easier to say no to us than it is to take on *** and other areas of the church leadership…

Okay.. so here are some thoughts.

The kids holiday programme is a major part of the community work that we do each year and the Kids ministry staff and volunteers ought to be congratulated for such an amazing job. There are volunteers from both the morning and evening congregations involved.

The open worship practice was an experiment in finding another avenue and space for people to connect with God in a less structured format than a Sunday night service. We do not know how successful it would and should be, and it’s an unknown, not tied to a particular timeframe and can be attempted again in a month or so.

However..

The crux of the whole thing came down to this after the Spirit of God was present and moving as we played on Monday night, after having to turn people away at the door on Monday night, having already invited people before knowing that we would be forced to cancel…what follows are private conversations, so respect them as such, and not as public opinions..

> We should have simply let people come in last night who arrived. Somehow I don’t think that following the rules here on earth, made my halo shine any brighter in heaven last night. That would have been taking the initiative to see truth for what is .. People would have met with Jesus because He was there, regardless of permission.

>> Exactly, and that is why I got you to go, I guess in the hope that you would make some kind of noise about not wanting to do it and then I probably would have come back with some kind of comment about how I invited these people to come and see Jesus and I wasn’t going to turn them away. It sounds weird but as I get older I know that these things are coming but I couldn’t have just said to you last night “Let them come in”, because I hadn’t formed that phrase yet, I just knew what was right. I think that we have missed an opportunity, and this is the second time, and we need to stop doing this.

> The dilemma in my head was probably pretty obvious. Either do it, because it certainly wasn’t fair to make someone else on the team wear the responsibility, or don’t do it and make the team wear the responsibility of wilful disobedience with good intentions. The absurdity of the situation was ridiculously apparent, but I didn’t feel like it was going to be alright to put that burden of responsibility on the shoulders of the team. I was resigned to being obedient, rather than my gut instincts leading the way. Not an excuse, and foolish me for missing the cue from you last night, to find the window of mutual agreement that perhaps would have allowed for the opportunity to be taken up regardless; .. the reality is whichever way it goes I wear the responsibility . be

cause the decree was made but the ground wasn’t surrendered until I relented into actually sending people away.

>> These things are learn as you go, that is why people with experience know these things and we are only learning. I think that if you had spoken right from the start and said “Look, this is the situation, but I want to disobey the leadership for these reasons, and I am going to cop some flak for it and you might to, what are your
thoughts” you would have been surprised how many people would have agreed with your stance. Without sounding like a total idiot I think that when I was the first to agree with you that would have bought whoever was wavering to our side, if there would have been anyone at all.

Wilful Disobedience
Here’s the bind.. in this most minor of circumstance.. the obvious thing was that there was no way that the presence of 25 extra people in a space that wasn’t cluttered was going to in anyway hinder the operation of the kids programme the next day. There was no good reason to turn them away, and yet turn them away I did.

On my knees crying out for God to move and people to be motivate towards spending their time for the sake of devotion and adoration, and then when they turned up, I sent them away.

Because although it was obvious that no harm was going to come from it, and that God was definitely present and moving.. it would have been wilfully disobedient. And so maybe not a good reason to turn people away, but certainly a reason.

Where was the trust? Even now nearly a week on, I’m still torn. In a do-over, I still can’t decide, whether I would let them in, because it really was such a minor deal, or to hold to the principle of submitting to leadership.

I don’t know what the right thing to do was, and I have no peace about what I did.

by | Jul 14, 2005 | Uncategorized

Song Of The Moment : All I Need
Shawn McDonald

As I sit here and think
About all that You’ve done
About how You gave me Your one and only Son
And I’m trying to fathom
All that You are, but so far, Lord
You’re so beyond me
I fall down in reverence
And I fall down in fear
And I’m asking You, Lord, won’t You please draw near
Won’t You open my eyes
So that I can see
The way that You are working in me
All I need is Your love
To come and fill this heart of mine
My heart is a desert that has gone dry
And I need Your love to carry me bye, bye, bye, bye, bye
To carry me bye, bye, bye, bye, bye
To carry me bye
And I lay down my life
And I put it before You
All that I am is in Your hands
And I’m not going to question, why You’re so faithful
Why that You give me the blessing that You have
Let the glory be known, let the glory be shown
Lift You up unto the throne
You are my God, You are my King
To You I give, I give You everything
All that I need is Your love, my God

by | Jul 13, 2005 | Uncategorized

Talk
Communicate, communicate, communicate. We should constantly be communicating our purpose, vision and passion to one another, in order to maintain inspiration, keep God at the centre, and keep accountability to the goals.

So we pursue total buy-in from everybody.. like my production team at Eastercamp.. it’s part of our backstage ethos that everyone comes to briefing.. and the briefing starts with the spiritual, talks practical and prays humble deep honest prayers. And that’s our ritual, our routine that centers us and keeps us away from pursuing the wrong agendas or the wrong spotlights. … that’s my strategy for how I do it with my team.. And I mean everyone.. anyone who’s onstage or backstage or side of stage in
that meeting is there, from my personal crew to 7 video guys to 5 lighting guys, sound crew, band, stage crew, rob k, speakers, muszos, helper outs… we incorporate everyone into what we are doing as an act of worship.