This morning I logged onto Postsecret for my monday morning ritual (although sometimes, I do struggle to resist the urge on Sundays). This first postcard stopped me, floored me and brought me to tears. Whoever posted that couldn’t have known that they were sending it to me, but they did regardless.
A Dream. There are some days where I forget the sorrows hidden in my heart for a time. But the last few days have seen me on a slippery slope back to the grief of losing my longtime passion. Life still seems a bit senseless and even though I know that grieving takes time.. I’m guilty of trying to move too fast and keep up with everyone else who is moving on.
So I dreamed last night and I think it stands out as a dream that means more than what it’s letting on.
We were at a house, not just my friends but their families too. A big summer house with wide open windows that surveyed the gardens, all the way down to the river and the enormous tree within it. There was sunshine and goodness everywhere. Then a silver car drove past, an old style eighties cadillac with an old woman in it. She stopped the car, hung out the window and began screaming at us. She was yelling at the people next to me, and then she pulled out a gun, a big gleaming silver .45. She began shooting..
One person passing by fell in a heap, dead by the car. Another two people next to me, who I didn’t know fell as well. Another two shots missed, and then her final shot hit me in the side of the head, a glancing blow.
The bullet stuck, and I began to bleed. People rushed out to attend to the fallen. The woman in the car drove off. But no one saw I was bleeding. I went to the mirror and saw the bruise growing over my eye, and the blackened streak on my temple, the bullet, having struck bone, stopped in it’s tracks.
Eventually, amid protests, they finally called the police and ambulance, but nothing could be done for the fallen. I desperately tried to get help for my head, the swelling and pain overwhelming. The faces turned blank from friends to unknown. There was such an awful ache in my heart I could barely stand it.
After an age, I thought that I had run out of tears, my friend came to me. He saw the wound to my head that no one else had seen. His eyes reflected some of my pain and his own urgency. He examined every part of the wound and laid me down onto the grass of the valley. He placed himself beside me, cradling my head and told me he would take the bullet out.
I was terrified, but he asked me to trust him and that it had to be done. I, looking at him with fear and trembling, placed my whole life into his hands willingly and he removed the bullet. He pressed his hand to my head to stop the bleeding and spoke low, soft words of encouragement and hope to me.
My pain didn’t disappear, but it was shared for a moment. And then with surprise in his eyes, as well as mine, I died anyway.
“..because the keys to the Kingdom got locked inside the Kingdom..” “..i got a girl in the war and the only thing I know to do is turn up the music and pray that she makes it through..” “..and the angels fly around in there but we can’t see them..”
Calling… There are plenty of days when I find myself wishing that Auckland and Wellington shared more of the Space/Time Continuum, because finding myself in the middle of the same conversation at both ends of the island is refreshing and comforting. As if in response to my heartache in this weeks posts and musings of the last month, Sam posts here from his sermon notes of last week, including some precious thoughts, metaphors and quotes borrowed and gathered from all over.. devour with hope while listening to Josh.
Church Is Not The Destination.
In the gospels Jesus mentions the word Kingdom 121 times in 114 verses Church is mentioned 3 times in two verses
I think there is a misconception that the Church is the destination. Its such a small bandwidth.
When an airport confuses itself as the destination, it thinks its winning when all the planes are on the ground and the airport ground is just packed with people. Look how many people we have!
But every time it does that it screws up people’s lives. The Airport is a connector going to somewhere I want to go. People are meant to move through it, not stay put in it.
The Church is not the destination, it’s a connector getting people to where they really want to go. To life… its pointing to the Kingdom “I came to give you church, and church more abundantly”. I came to bring life. The role of the church is to proclaim the Kingdom. And the Kingdom brings life.
Furthermore on Art & Kingdom NT Wright: “When art comes to terms with both the wounds of the world and the promise of resurrection and learns how to express and respond to both at once, we will be on the way to fresh vision, a fresh mission”.
The kingdom is every act of love, gratitude, and kindness, every work of art or music inspired by the love God and the delight in the beauty of creation; every act of care and nuture, of comfort and support for others, all spirit led teaching, every prayer, every deed that embodies holiness rather than corruption, and makes the name of Jesus honoured in the world.
you search for love notes in the corners of my room hidden in boxes and for rainy days but i tell you honestly, you will not find them there i’ve written them under your skin
I’m Not There This fantastical journey through the biography and biology of Dylan’s soul is like a visual symphony, a poem of ideas, colours and landscapes. The moods are swerving, at times colliding with each other but the music consistently pulls together the threads of a tapestry full of life like no other. Such a feast. Mark said he felt that he needed more Dylan to contextualise it, but I as a Dylan fan, still had to process and reference to see only some of the nuance. Screenings 2 & 3 will be worth it, as well as a revival of some of Dylan’s earlier works, although Time Out Of Mind remains a favourite, if later and less protest-y album.
Rain, Wind, Fire The long night time conversation in front of the fire with deep eyes and heartfelt real life on the table is holding me steady under the wind.
Saying Goodbye To Theology? Interesting anonymous comment on the last post in regards to abandoning theology here. Of course not = and yes, my interpretation is possibly a little incendiary. But so it suits me to illustrate the point. Theology is ever-present, inescapable. If I think, if I write, if I consider God in any way – then theology is present.
But there is a breed of theologian that I consider to be dangerous to my generation and the future of youth ministry, not to mention the future of the church. Hierarchal theologians who categorize wisdom, knowledge and qualification in such a manner that the honest conversation of the follower is swayed from left to right by man’s words and not by a truthful measure of the Gospel. Theologians who separate the understanding of truth from the common people are dangerous folk.
Example: confusing the context of language and culture for theologial statements. For your average 18 year old, the manner of clothing they wear and the media they consume on a daily basis is not a concise or well-concluded theological statement. Trying to ascertain it as such and then provoke a changed response as a result.
Example: the derivation of preferred behaviour as contextualised biblical imperative. Whilst unity is spoken about in Scripture, I have not perceived it in my time to be a foundational issue in regards to understanding or applying the Grace of Christ to an everyday life. Especially when we teach unity as a behaviour in regards to church – a unified church that looks like full participation, never missing worship, never questioning leadership or authority and being governed in a bi-partisan manner. This is sociological instruction or at worst, experimentation when it pervades the priorities of our Christian communities.
Example: constructing societal norms within a cultural subset according to unique rules. The rules of living explicit in Scripture, and are broadbrush stroke for a reason I believe, which is that the principles of this life are the key and most important aspect of our behavioural adaption. We do this adaption in relationship with other followers and with Christ as center. This fluidity demands wrestle, which expands relevance and accessibility but hinges everything on relationship not rulebooks. An idealistic approach yes, but one that encourages everyday young people to interact with a living God within the pages of Scripture and the Spirit living within individuals and communities. Too often and too easily, we study scriptures and then apply them with our own social constructs. They are of course, designed to make it easier for people to apply them in their own lives but truthfully – can lead to behaviour modification based on pre-constructed societal norms (drinking, alcohol, clothing, music style etc etc ).
Goodbye to theology? Not at all. If anything, a deeper embrace of everyday theology with everyone involved. I continually try to encourage those around me to be engaging in this practice for themselves.
I’m tormented at the moment by the maddening crowd crying out for Church and not Kingdom. So much of this Christian life I should be living has nothing to do with the clamouring of church for my time and energy and investment. The hierarchal theology that rules our community in the present time makes me cry out for the intimate, dangerous radical that Jesus is.
Song Of The Moment : Theologians by Wilco
Theologians They don’t know nothing About my soul About my soul
I’m an ocean An abyss in motion Slow motion Slow motion
Inlitterati lumen fidei God is with us everyday That illiterate light Is with us every night
Theologians That don’t know nothing About my soul Oh they don’t know
They thin my heart with little things And my life with change Oh in so many ways I find more missing every day
Theologians
I’m going away Where you will look for me Where I’m going you cannot come
No one’s ever gonna take my life from me I lay it down A ghost is born A ghost is born A ghost is born
I’m an ocean I’m all emotion I’m a cherry ghost Cherry ghost
Hey I’m a cherry ghost A cherry ghost
Presence Proximity I’m learning the power of presence – the impact of one person’s presence on another. This is a power I have underestimated in my life and probably need to pay more attention too. That in the listening, watching and paying attention – there is something unspoken that rises in the atmosphere, that creates a longing for connection in the space time continuum and inside my heart. Ache. Wonder. Laughing.
Or How Easy It Is To Mistake Grief For Loneliness And Vice Versa
I’m feeling the Ache tonight and i don’t know why still i know it was right to hear your voice today but you echo in me tonight
the breath of God is falling, in the ruach Elohim like rivers to my soul still i am empty waiting for rain to come
come fill my sorrows til the cup is done my skin is burning for the company of a friend my life is turning with whispers of the end i’m holding on, holding on
my song is not yet done, my kiss is still on hold my lips are full of words my heart is not silent you echo in me tonight, your voice is in my head and God is present and around it
My Desire For Coherent Thought exceeds my capacity at the moment. perhaps it’s just the tiredness of breakfast radio and the rest of life piled in on top that is making it so stretched. perhaps it’s the turmoil of questions I am dealing with inside my head when it comes to love and sex and hope and sorrow. they are questions of my own and on behalf of others and it makes them more painful each way.
i’ve always held on to the idea that love would find me one day, in it’s own sweet time and path but I am beginning to sense God challenging me on the expectations as loose as they may have been on the how’s and why’s.
i’m feeling both an impassioned love for my homeland and a desire to leap from it’s arms. i’m feeling an impassioned love for my city and for further shores, both south and east of here. i have new ideas and projects within me.. God is good.
In summary – too many leaders just don’t get it (new leadership/millenial leadership.. whatever you want to call it) – leadership as a mandate rather than a skill has taken over. – we’ve traded academic theology for applied theology far too often – we’ve prioritized the church (intentional little ‘c’) at the cost of Church but mostly at the cost of Kingdom (the two are different). – we’ve neglected the responsibility to create positive situations where people can fail well and move forward constructively where failure is a normal and expected and celebrated part of the process. – we’ve neglected our theology of ‘every man’ for the priests.
Soul Food This week, a sense of physical unrest has led to some much needed indulgence for the soul. i’m listening to Jakob Dylan “seeing things”…, reading Love in a Time of Cholera & The Book Thief.. novels purely for the sake of it. I’m diving through an expository series in Hebrews, devouring Proverbs and the Epistles in my readings.
I’m indulging in the company of the Good. This weekend past, I was producing Noise and was more honoured by the private and loving way the leadership honoured not just my gifts but my person, including playing on of my short films in the program. I have been soaking in late nights, mornings, church services, drinks, meals, just about any contact I can with the dear ones who light my soul back to life, care for me and laugh with me as I am slowly restoring to life. Today brunch with Sam was a talking point for frustration, joy, hope and possibility. I remain overwhelmed with the excitement of journeys yet to be had in such good company as the fellowship I walk in lately. My heart, though broken still with the sadness of Eastercamp, is swollen in pain and fulfillment most days.
Speaking of soul food, i had a vision once of a tree, planted in the centre of a well-watered garden. These insights in the specific understanding and inference of of the botany featured below has really captured me…
From sixthirteen.org This teaching demonstrates how to use the fifteen psalms of ascent (Psalms 120-134) to probe the wisdom of trees in Jewish tradition. A psalm of ascent may be recited on each day from the new moon of Shevat through the full moon of Shevat, to celebrate and honor the sap as it rises. If possible, meditate on the named trees, or read the psalms and connect them to other trees you know and love. Each of the fifteen psalms has an earthy spiritual teaching, related to its tree, that we can learn during Shevat.
Psalm 120, which proclaims: “When my suffering was upon me, I called and God answered me,” mentions a thornbush or rotem. The rotem is the teacher of humility. Some people believe that the rotem is the thorn-bush that burned without being consumed in the days of Moses. Moses turned aside to look at the bush, but them hid his face, for he did not want to look at God. It is written of the thorn-bush that it was the most humble of all plants, and that is why the Shekhinah chose it to dwell in.
Psalm 121 says: “I will lift my eyes to the mountains. From where will my help come? My help is from God, maker of heaven and earth.” This psalm could be associated with the myrtle. Esther, the Persian Jewish queen who saved the Jewish people from persecution, had the Hebrew name of Hadas, myrtle. As Esther was a guardian of life, spreading good deeds, so too the good smell of the hadas restores the spirit, spreading fragrance everywhere. The sweet-smelling myrtle is often used during Jewish rituals ending the Sabbath, to renew the soul as the Sabbath departs. This psalm repeats the word-root “shmor/to guard” six times, just as we wave myrtle leaves in six directions on Sukkot to ask that the Divine presence care for and protect the world.
Psalm 122 says: “I rejoiced when people said to me: Let us go to the house of the Tree of Life. Our feet were standing in your gates, Jerusalem: Jerusalem rebuilt, a city bound all together, where the tribes, the tribes of God made pilgrimage.” Pilgrimage reminds us of the etrog, the good-smelling, bright yellow citron that Jews use on the harvest festival of Sukkot, is the teacher of fertility and union. It is said to represent the human heart, and it also represents the fertile womb. Combined with a palm branch, myrtle, and willow, the etrog represents unity: the unity of Jews with one another, the unity of the four worlds and four directions, and the oneness of creation.
Psalm 123 proclaims: “Look, as the eyes of slaves are on their lord’s hand and as the eyes of a maidservant are on her lady’s hand, so our eyes are toward the Tree of Life our God, until God shall be gracious to us.” This psalm teaches of the reed. When Moses’ mother Yocheved placed her baby son in a reed basket, Miriam watched over the basket, hiding in the reeds (suf), until an Egyptian princess found it and rescued her brother. The reed teaches us to be patient and work toward what we envision.
Psalm 124 proclaims: “If God had not been with us, the waters would have flooded us.” This psalm represents the willow. The willow is the teacher of need. The willow, or aravah, is one of the four species used on the pilgrimage festival of Sukkot. On the last day of Sukkot, known as Hoshana Rabbah, celebrants beat the leaves off the willow so that they may receive Divine grace during the coming year, and so that their harvest may receive abundant rain. Some say that the willow represents the lips in prayer.
Psalm 125 says: “Do good, o Tree of Life, to the good, and to the upright in heart.” Palm trees are often described as “upright” in the Hebrew Bible. The palm is the teacher of justice. The prophet Devorah, known for her wise judgment, sat under a palm tree while hearing cases. Tamar (whose name means palm tree) was a woman who took justice into her own hands-when her father-in-law Judah refused to allow his third son to marry Tamar and give her children in spite of his agreement, she veiled herself and seduced Judah instead-thus giving rise to the line of King David and of the Messiah. This psalm shows us that we cannot let the scepter of the wicked rest up
on us, but must choose to be immovably righteous.
Psalm 126 cries: “Our mouths were filled with laughter, and our tongues with joyful song. The one who walks weeping and carrying the bag of seed, shall come back in joyful song, carrying the sheaves.” This hints at the sweetness of the fig (te’enah). The fig tree is the teacher of return, or teshuvah. The fig tree is the tree that gave leaves to Adam and Eve as garments when the first couple went into exile. Later, when Noah and his family, exiled from their homes, went onto the ark, they took fig saplings with them (Genesis Rabbah 36:3). The fig is a witness to the tears of exile, but also is as sweet as the joy of return–the fig fills the mouth with its sweetness as joyful song fills the mouth with music.
Psalm 127 announces: “If God does not build a house, it is vain for builders to work on it.” The cedar, or erez, is the teacher of sturdiness. Solomon’s temple was built of cedar, as was his palace. A psalm says that the righteous “shall flourish like a cedar in Lebanon.” This means that they shall be sturdy over time. If we do learn calm strength, like the cedar, we will give a gift not only to ourselves, but to others, who will be able to depend on us and learn from us.
Psalm 128 says: “Your wife will be like a fruitful vine in the corners of your home.” The vine (gefen) is the teacher of blessing and abundance. Jewish festivals are consecrated by blessing a cup of wine, and Jewish tradition regards the grape as a bringer of joy. The Sabbath also begins with the sanctification of wine. Sitting under one’s vine and fig-tree is the ultimate expression of peace and prosperity. In the Song of Songs, the vine blossom is a sign of spring. The vine teaches us to celebrate our blessings and to open our hearts to goodness.
Psalm 129 rumbles: “Many have been my troublers from my youth, but they did not overcome me.” This strength relates to the oak (alon). The oak is the teacher of groundedness. When wind and rain come, they do not destroy the great oak. The oak is able to persevere in spite of troubles because of its roots-so too, we need to cultivate our roots in order to stay upright. The oak teaches us to stand firm when inner and outer weather blusters around us.
Psalm 130 calls: “My spirit leans to God more than watchmen to the morning, watchmen to the morning.” The Hebrew word for almond tree (sha’ked) means “watcher. The almond is the teacher of leadership. In Israel, the almond tree’s flowering is the first sign of spring. In the Bible, God made the high priest’s scepter flower like an almond tree to show that he was the spiritual leader of the people. A leader’s role is to watch over others, but also to watch over him or herself to avoid arrogance.
Psalm 131 teaches: “Have I not focused and quieted my spirit, like those who nurse from the mother?” This psalm evokes the terebinth. The terebinth, or pistacia tree, is the teacher of the cycle of life and death. The terebinth’s name, elah, can be a word for “goddess,” and the elah represents the mystery of God’s hidden womb. In the Bible, the terebinth is often a place of burial–Rebekah’s nurse Deborah is buried beneath a terebinth, and Absalom, David’s son, is killed while his hair is caught in a terebinth tree. Yet angels also reveal themselves beneath terebinths (Genesis 12:6, Judges 6:11). The elah contains the mystery of the tree that is cut down and regrows again. In Isaiah 6:11, we are told that the people shall be cut down “like a terebinth whose stump remains, and in its stump shall be a holy seed.” Every spring, plants that seemed dead come to life again. So too, we are mortal, yet the mystery of life is reborn in us.
Psalm 132 proclaims: “Your priests will wear righteousness and your kind ones will sing with joy.” This recalls the pomegranate, which decorated the hems of the priestly robes in ancient times. The pomegranate is the teacher of the indwelling of God. The fruit itself is an abundant globe full of bright red seeds, like a world full of life. In this psalm, God announces a desire to dwell among human beings, nurture the hungry and care for the needy, establish a just government, and “clothe its priests in deliverance.” These are all ways of acknowledging the Shekhinah. The pomegranate reminds us that we are always filled with seeds of light, and that our lives can be God’s resting-place.
Psalm 133 says: “How good and how pleasant it is when kinsfolk dwell together. It is like good oil on the head.” The olive, which produces oil, is the teacher of peace. In the mythic tale of Noah, a dove brought an olive branch to announce that the waters had subsided and life on the earth would be renewed. Olive oil was also used to anoint kings, consecrating their monarchy and blessing them that they should have a just and peaceful reign. In Psalm 133, the olive oil represents the peace of friends dwelling together. The olive tree teaches us, even after conflict, always to rededicate ourselves to the forces of life and peace.
Psalm 134 calls: “At this moment bless the Tree of Life, all you who serve the Tree of Life.” This signifies the apple tree (tapuach). The apple is the teacher of beauty. Its sweet-smelling blossoms last only a few days, but they are a joy to the senses. The apple tree shows us the glory of the present moment. The Shekhinah Herself, the presence of God, is called the “field of apple trees”-the source of all the world’s beauty. The apple teaches us to be present in the moment-not merely to understand, but to be.
—Rabbi Jill Hammer, Tel Shemesh Director
I remain, a girl under construction, who is learning how to live.
1. i want to cry forever until my tears are dry i want to cry forever until i’m washed away i want to cry forever until my skin is pale through and through til there is nothing of me
2. how precious is grief like a numb and sting all at once and over again how quiet is the pain though my heart is loud inside my skin my words fall into silence and i hold on fast to them
3. i don’t need you to argue for me tonight not with me, yourself or any other ghosts oh let angry words put down their curses and weapons aim their sights away let rain wash all things clean again oh what other good is there for a storm tonight?
4. have mercy with your words tonight in your arms tonight for the sake of our love and my hurt tonight don’t break me, have mercy tonight i break and i boil and live a little where you are even when you’re far
5. love has a way through valleys and rises there must be a way of peace through all of this for all i’ve done wrong all that’s pulled apart all injustice decried
if you’re torn all to pieces i can mend a broken heart
Tash McGill is a broadcaster, writer and strategist who works with people and organisations to solve problems and create transformation. She believes people are the most important thing and that stories are powerful ways of changing the world. You can find out more at tashmcgill.com or by visiting her LinkedIn profile.
