Transactions In Forgiveness There is a time when in momentum, you know you are called into tasks than are greater. There are elements of forgiveness that are precisely that – a task, in my life. A chore, requiring effort, with no reward or peace. There is no feeling, just numbness associated with some events of recent times – and whilst I know that to be a normal part of the healing process, I also recognise the voice that hollers to deal with things now.
There are ravenous wolves who long to hear the words “you’re forgiven” because it sates the soul, and I, understanding the depth of their need… selfishly have nothing to offer them. I cannot forgive from the heart, as there is no heart residing in that space currently.
So my forgiveness, I offer from a higher place and a deeper source – a choosing because it is required. This is a transaction of forgiveness – I’m choosing it because it’s necessary and made available to me by the gift first given to me. It is not easy, nor heartfelt with soft emotion. It’s transactional.
Transactional Relationships There are relationships in life that are entirely transactional. You interact, transact and complete. You exit the relationship, or the relationship remains open but the boundaries are distinct and clear.. you might enquire after the wife and kids, but not necessarily know their names.
There are relationships that start transactionally and become more than that. You learn the kids names, you begin an awareness of the whole person. This is unusual in the corporate world I live in currently, yet remains an expected part of Christian praxis. It’s part of our connectedness to one-another. An intuitive sense at times, that we are more than the sum of our skills. That as people we all have something to offer one another.
But there comes a time, when the transactions that brought forth your ‘friendship’ cease, leaving the question of whether the friendship stands. When it doesn’t, how do you comfortably desist from that interaction? There is a time to acknowledge that seasons have passed and the context within which you sought to offer more of yourself to another has changed. Yes, this also has to do with forgiveness and moving on.
A psychologist recently asked me who I was, to describe myself in three hemispheres – I, We and Work. There have been significant changes in Work, which imply significant changes in We – I have unravelled parts of the network of relationships both transactional and otherwise that have been in my framework for nearly a decade. Relationships cease, hesitate, pause, fixate.
Delete There is a freedom and breathing space that comes in hitting ‘delete’ and ‘remove’ of some of those nmes and relationships that both with and without pain become defunct and unnecessary. In some places, they simply cease to be productive or interactive relationships.
It closes doors and provides some retreating space to let wounds heal and things that have become numb warm again. I cannot remove those tendrils from all aspects – the hungry & greedy come creeping into my spaces because they cannot help the voyeuristic pleasure of my pain in close encounter. Still there is enough space in ‘delete’ and ‘remove’.. that transactions cease with finite goodness. I breathe.
Rock’N’Roll Every so often the bones under my skin ache and long for the throbbing beats of a super-jacked PA with rooomshaking bass tones and screechy mids. Saturday night we traipsed into the Auckland Town Hall and shattered our eardrums with soaring decibel readers for some twenty year old, vintage rock’n’roll with kiwi troopers Shihad.
Dinner first though – at the ever delightful Mezze bar, where the Spanish aromas of tapas, coffee and cocktails warm the senses almost as much as the bronze hues and retro lights. The night outside was just damp enough and cool enough to make the Mezze on durham seem almost tropical… The lamb was so good, the chicken spicy and nutty.. and my favourite discovery of the night was a normandy apple cocktail – whisky, caramelised apple liqueur and some other secret ingredient that remains secret because I can’t remember it right now!
Heard New entry of the night was Luger Boa – with reformed D4 frontman Jimmy Christmas. I suspect more trading on their lineup than the repertoire, they were still a solid rock show.
The Mint Chicks launched their collection of new songs to the delight of the crowd. For the old songs click here. Hardly ones to put on an outta control stage show – the now three piece did create epic wall of sound moments that against the backdrop of the organ at the Town Hall were still visually stunning.
Shihad managed to rock through a collection of tunes from just about every album – including the crowdpleaser “one will heal the other” from the new offering “Beautiful Machine”. I haven’t been an album listener really – since The General Electric way back in the day. Some of the more obscure tunes from Love is the New Hate intrigued me, but this album is a fresh sound that just gets under your skin a little bit.
Talking I just like talking to you, even when it’s late at night and we’re really tired… I like the refreshing honesty and the ability to laugh about things that everyone else we know takes soooooo seriously… thanks.
Happy Marko Day Tuesday was Happy Marko Day. A convenient and roundabout trip to World Youth Day meant we had seven great hours (minus luggage hassles and the 5 minutes spent talking to the NZ Herald reporter) to hang out and drink latte bowls. We went to circus circus for lunch and coffee, hung out at the office and then prevailed upon Soul for dinner, where the view was watery, the wine was a smooth chardonnay from Matariki, the duck & dory were delightful and the desserts divine. Good food, good friends and an amazing stroke of luck that we get to be friends even from halfway around the world.
It was good for my soul to reconnect and remember all that is yet to be in the journey of life.
my author writes to me like a brother a deep true friend his words like ink and truth in a tattoo surround my mysteries and hold them up to light eerie like examination photographs in uv light longing that feels like a blanket of warmth and my heart full i’ve been on a long road home from indiana leaving behind the synergy and chemistry of a man with machinery and cigarette smoke and silent words that brings a wordsmith out to life in a welding arc smoke heat heart spark he knows my longing for main st nashville and barbeque late night blues clubs on the mississippi gruhns guitars and like all cities i love in the south the mississippi runs through them my hunting fishing smoking travelling river through the deep slow South at the side of a calloused man gold leaves and falling stars in wide ocean skies a bluesmaster deville ’68 and all in silence, with the author.
I live at the bottom end of the world and a constant frustration as a youthworker within my particular denomination is a reliance on anecdotal youth ministry research versus applying the sciences that already exist and overlap a number of aspects of life for young people and those in the throes of adolescence.
In this particular case, my interest lately has been spurred towards trying to create a lay person’s understanding of the symptoms, behaviours and basic methodology for dealing a young person who may have Borderline Personality Disorder (BPD). In no way are these thoughts definitive – in fact, the opposite, they are challenging and just beginning to percolate in my mind. Whilst I’ve tried to source my information from reliable sources – my own ideas and theories are just that, and should in no way be considered anything other than ruminations on an shadow part of our youth culture, or challenges for youthworkers.
In a culture where mental health issues are increasing and the adolescent timeframe for chaos is expanding, my immediate concern is that traditional youth ministry and young adult frameworks do not allow enough space or information to deal constructively with these issues, that have broad community impact.
Advice from a former mental health nurse now working as a youth pastor, and a social worker specialising in mental health pushed me towards the BPD information. The motivation was looking for coping strategies both from a external pastoral management aspect, as well as coping strategies for those who were more closely intwined in relationship with the young person.
Further conversations alerted in my mind a peculiar phenomenon – both mental health workers reported a high incidence of this disorder, which is already primarily prevalent in young women aged 18 – 30, amongst Christians.
First – a completely incomplete summary of some key behaviours and trends.. it must be borne in mind that at best Borderline Personality Disorder remains a controversial and multi-faceted diagnosis with conflicting idealogies around best practice in treatment and diagnosis. There are many points where the research currently and widely available concurs, and many websites helpfully draw together the conflicting views for those that wish to explore the boundaries. I’m simply looking for common thread that can help in finding a simpler pathway forward.
(Links here, here and here were helpful in finding the common threads.)
Borderline personality disorder (BPD) is a serious mental illness characterized by pervasive instability in moods, interpersonal relationships, self-image, and behavior. This instability often disrupts family and work life, long-term planning, and the individual’s sense of self-identity. Originally thought to be at the “borderline” of psychosis, people with BPD suffer from a disorder of emotion regulation. While less well known than schizophrenia or bipolar disorder (manic-depressive illness), BPD is more common, affecting 2 percent of adults, mostly young women. There is a high rate of self-injury without suicide intent, as well as a significant rate of suicide attempts and completed suicide in severe cases. Patients often need extensive mental health services, and account for 20 percent of psychiatric hospitalizations. Yet, with help, many improve over time and are eventually able to lead productive lives.
While a person with depression or bipolar disorder typically endures the same mood for weeks, a person with BPD may experience intense bouts of anger, depression, and anxiety that may last only hours, or at most a day. [NB: Whilst this is an important differentiation between depression and BPD, it is also helpful I think, in examining the moments of ‘depression’ in adolescent behaviour associated with more typical identity/independence/stress behaviours – this is different too, to an adolescent that may display different identity trends within the space of a day or week, depending on the socail context they are within.]
– vulnerability vs invalidation – active passivity (tendency to be passive when confronted with a problem and actively seek a rescuer) vs apparent competence (appearing to be capable when in reality internally things are falling apart) – unremitting crises vs inhibited grief.
Some of the more typical behaviours and general observational trends are noted below, including the priorities of values and distastes.
Dimensions Here is a hypothetical profile, in terms of the five-factor model of personality, for Borderline Personality Disorder.
High Neuroticism Chronic negative affects, including anxiety, fearfulness, tension, irritability, anger, dejection, hopelessness, guilt, shame; difficulty in inhibiting impulses: for example, to eat, drink, or spend money; irrational beliefs: for example, unrealistic expectations, perfectionistic demands on self, unwarranted pessimism; unfounded somatic concerns; helplessness and dependence on others for emotional support and decision making.
High Extraversion Excessive talking, leading to inappropriate self-disclosure and social friction; inability to spend time alone; attention seeking and overly dramatic expression of emotions; reckless excitement seeking; inappropriate attempts to dominate and control others.
Low Openness Difficulty adapting to social or personal change; low tolerance or understanding of different points of view or lifestyles; emotional blandness and inability to understand and verbalize own feelings; alexythymia; constricted range of interests; insensitivity to art and beauty; excessive conformity to authority.
High Agreeableness Gullibility: indiscriminate trust of others; excessive candor and generosity, to detriment of self-interest; inability to stand up to others and fight back; easily taken advantage of.
Low Conscientiousness Underachievement: not fulfilling intellectual or artistic potential; poor academic performance relative to ability; disregard of rules and responsibilities can lead to trouble with the law; unable to discipline self (e.g., stick to diet, exercise plan) even when required for medical reasons; personal and occupational aimlessness.
Motivations Want to be free to pursue their desires while still getting dependency needs satisfied.
Behaviors Behaviors which destabilize personal relationships, idealizing and devaluation of potential care givers and lovers, angry disruptions of close relationships, frantic efforts to avoid abandonment.
Intense unstable relationships in which the borderline is perceived to always end up getting hurt.
Repetitive self-destructive behavior, often designed to prompt rescue.
Chronic fear of abandonment and panic when forced to be alone.
Distorted thoughts/perceptions, particularly in terms of relationships and interactions with others.
Hypersensitivity, meaning an unusual sensitivity to nonverbal communication.
Habitual Passions
Desires/ Pleasures relationship romance pleasurable experiences attention change instability crises appearance of competence entitlement spending sex mood altering substances fast driving eating shopping entertainment travel partying cooking gambling idealizing others devaluing others guilt punishment
Fears/ Distresses being alone abandonment loss trusting others deprivation losing emotional control mourning unpleasant experiences stability regulation routine a dangerous and malevolent world being powerless and vulnerable being inherently unacceptable discipline
Alarm Bells Less than twenty minutes into my initial research – the succinct descriptions were raising alarm bells for me. In my own brief and unqualified psychology career (ie: i’m a youthworker), immediately I can think of 7 young women who all displayed prominent symptoms of this disorder over the tenure of my youth ministry involvement. Anecdotal yes, but still disturbing.
But where is the science, the research to back this up? Why this high incidence among christian females, let alone increasing numbers across the board of this behaviour that wrecks havoc across lives and communities.
FallOut The fallout of this disorder within communities and especially Christian communities that are upheld on foundational principles of unity, common understanding, truth and integrity, as well as common values that are primarily misaligned with some of the “habitual passions” described below is substantial.
The confusion, doubt and introspective questioning that enters even the surest of relationships can see the impact of one BPD case impact dozens within a community. The drive to meet the perceived needs can spiral the construction of a community into unusual and emotionally manipulated, dominated depths.
Unbelievably dangerous and destructive, the BPD sufferer is a victim themselves, and yet remains the perpetuator of so much of their own villainy. I’m juxtaposed to sympathetic position for the young, but increasingly those behaviours that when confronted and assisted show no signs of improvement or willingness to address the condition are potentially dangerous to themselves and others, that I am becoming less and less tolerant.
What does all this mean for youthworkers in particular?
The similarities between mild BPD symptoms and your average adolescent teenage girl are multiple. And it’s not just a condition of the femininine. However, the subtleties – the behaviour of ‘splitting’ whereby all things are simply all good or all bad, leading to idealisation and devaluation, is so closely linked in my mind to the journey and development of abstract & critical thinking so crucial to adolescent development, that I wonder about the relationship between them, and the factors or variables that could influence..
ie: destructive and repetitive devaluation of the BPD at home or within family constructs, that leads to idealisation of a “Rescuer” who primarily arrives in the form of a romantic interest (habitual passions kick in). Within modern western Christianity – this ideal would be supported by the idea of a “Mr Right”, who being perfectly matched by God to the BPD would satisfy all perceived needs and dependencies. The “all good” model. The BPD then goes in search of this, even from an early age. The more she fails to ‘find’ such fulfilment, the more indicting the condition and search becomes. The more corporate the “failings” of the common group of men (thinking here about the twenty-something phenom referred to once here and screams to me of some of these undertones)..
Mostly, I think it’s interesting for us in the Christian world because of the moral stance we take on sexuality pre-marriage. Where romance, sexuality and physical expression would be a very common form of expression for a typical BPD, within the Christian realm, do those behaviours become even more magnified with the additional of a demanding moral code in conflict with core values of a BPD? What further emotional spiral does this cause?
For youthworkers this article on Past, Present, Future from Youth Specialties in 2004, offers a brief overview of the changing face of mental health, young people and youthworkers and .. Squidoo group.
So many questions.. and I’m pretty sure this is enough for somebody to write a thesis on. However, it shouldn’t be me, but I’m fascinated by the ideas.
What I’d love would be to see some more research, some more youthworker friendly and objective resource being supplied into youth work training and ministry environments that I’m sure are possibly causing more harm than good with traditional Christian counselling.
When I think about all the people, self-diagnosed or otherwise, who have ever burned out.. it’s never the job, the environment, the workload, the expectations or the other people that did it.
It’s usually the person themselves, burning so hot with a passion, a flame, an anger, a burden to see things change.. that forgets to guard the flame, to fuel the fire well, to manage the temperature… that forgets they themselves are the fire and end up burnt, consumed, blistered.
So if the spark is there, and you throw in expectations, workload, accelerant…boom.
….what is as what is, knowing that what is could change but in the present hasn’t changed, therefore Is.
….pain like i know, is the beauty and art of life, the depth being carved out in my soul.
….three things that can appear endless: possiblity, opportunity and truth, are in fact, finite. don’t miss out on me, please.
Lord, it was already dark by the time it was 4pm you know. I think I am most tired of seeing people end up being less than they could be, everywhere.. and i keep thinking – if only you saw the spark of Elohim I see in you.. you would know you were worth more than that.. and it would let you be more of who you are.
The Generation Game I’m pondering since conversations with the interim senior pastor, recent demographic directions in our evening gatherings .. the disparity between what the term ‘seeker-friendly’ means to the Boomer, Po-Mo and Millenial generations.
My hypothesis is that whilst distinct definitions and boundaries for good practice could be easily formulated within each one (where boomer[R] and po-mo[L] are perhaps forming the outer poles of a spectrum where millenial is slightly center-left), thereis such a leap between the expectations of what a boomer-seeker and a millenial-seeker are, let alone their pathways to that place.. that there is a certain requirement for us to clear the decks and start again.
I am not sure that there are pathways for integrating congregations that have been separate in any way that appeases all or any. All three are theologically dissatisfactory to me in some way, but all encounter people who are genuinely seeking.
When do we start over with the simple things? Take me out to the desert.
“..because the keys to the Kingdom got locked inside the Kingdom..” “..i got a girl in the war and the only thing I know to do is turn up the music and pray that she makes it through..” “..and the angels fly around in there but we can’t see them..”
Calling… There are plenty of days when I find myself wishing that Auckland and Wellington shared more of the Space/Time Continuum, because finding myself in the middle of the same conversation at both ends of the island is refreshing and comforting. As if in response to my heartache in this weeks posts and musings of the last month, Sam posts here from his sermon notes of last week, including some precious thoughts, metaphors and quotes borrowed and gathered from all over.. devour with hope while listening to Josh.
Church Is Not The Destination.
In the gospels Jesus mentions the word Kingdom 121 times in 114 verses Church is mentioned 3 times in two verses
I think there is a misconception that the Church is the destination. Its such a small bandwidth.
When an airport confuses itself as the destination, it thinks its winning when all the planes are on the ground and the airport ground is just packed with people. Look how many people we have!
But every time it does that it screws up people’s lives. The Airport is a connector going to somewhere I want to go. People are meant to move through it, not stay put in it.
The Church is not the destination, it’s a connector getting people to where they really want to go. To life… its pointing to the Kingdom “I came to give you church, and church more abundantly”. I came to bring life. The role of the church is to proclaim the Kingdom. And the Kingdom brings life.
Furthermore on Art & Kingdom NT Wright: “When art comes to terms with both the wounds of the world and the promise of resurrection and learns how to express and respond to both at once, we will be on the way to fresh vision, a fresh mission”.
The kingdom is every act of love, gratitude, and kindness, every work of art or music inspired by the love God and the delight in the beauty of creation; every act of care and nuture, of comfort and support for others, all spirit led teaching, every prayer, every deed that embodies holiness rather than corruption, and makes the name of Jesus honoured in the world.
Tash McGill is a broadcaster, writer and strategist who works with people and organisations to solve problems and create transformation. She believes people are the most important thing and that stories are powerful ways of changing the world. You can find out more at tashmcgill.com or by visiting her LinkedIn profile.
