by tashmcgill | May 23, 2006 | Uncategorized

Illuminate Me…On Divinity And Humanity In Christ

Further to some discussions today .. can someone explain to me exactly why (in a Strictly Hypothetical Discussion)the possibility of Christ fathering a child has to affect his Divinity. I’m just saying .. as a possibility – when we talk about Jesus being both fully Human and fully Divine, why is it not possible that the full exception of the ‘imago dei’ couldn’t have been exercised without somehow having to remove the possibility of a “divine God with human skin”? In some respects, I think in the initial overview, that a ‘more’ human Christ almost becomes more tangible. Disregarding the possibilities of a child etc; or even putting them into the mix – we ourselves have only come up with a doctrine and understanding of Christ’s divine/human paradox by wrestling it to a point of submission. I remain willing to accept that there are some things I do not need to know or fully understand in order to have faith, and for faith to be a relevant practice. After all, shouldn’t we expect that there are still greater mysteries to do with our ‘Surrogate Sacrifice’ that what we have so far accepted? Maybe it just doesn’t matter, as Paul says, it is what we know that we should stand in – and what we know is that Jesus, was the Son of God. Surely sex as a possibility, doesn’t change that? Even Fatherhood brings him closer to ‘imago dei’ Maybe?

I probably haven’t thought it through enough yet, but I’m struggling to understand the argument. Feel free to comment.

Song Of The Moment : Keep Me In Your Heart For A While
Warren Zevon

Shadows are falling
and I’m runnin’ out of breath
keep me in your heart for awhile

Keep me in your heart for awhile…

by tashmcgill | May 22, 2006 | Uncategorized

It’s A Big Girl World Now

Last night after the church baptism service, I talked for a while with Alan and Heather about the whole Vision Banquet scenario. It was good. The wine was pretty shocking – H. has a really sweet tooth, that is just overkill for me.

As I was arriving, there were a couple of 18 year old guys walking out. They were obviously visitors for the first time, and walked back into the relative dark chilliness of the carpark, commenting under their breath – “if he asks, just say we were at the back”. In relation to some of the comments and discussion around the whole “come to us and we promise to be seeker-friendly” facade it’s simply point of interest to note.

Da Vinci Code
I had to admit – I enjoyed the book. I thought it was cleverly written, not necessarily well-written. I liked the historical twists and turns, how so many of points of reference throughout history were wound around a proposition that has been fairly well rejected by both religious and historical scholars. I am a fan of history, and I enjoy examining that which is ancient and how it interacts with our cultural framework today.

So today we went to see the movie, the 10.30am session – a particular favourite. All round, not bad. Not as bad as what it had been reviewed as, and fairly well accurate to the book with the exception of the love affair that for once – Hollywood left out.

True enough – some of the pastoral staff were non-plussed, and a couple rattled, which I found amusing. What I found disturbing was the conversation with one of the pastoral staff at Windsor, when they expressed certainty in this phrase “but all that stuff about how the Bible came together, with the voting and stuff, that’s not real, that’s not true.” Well, actually – it is. The Council of Nicea is well-documented. What’s not necessarily as circumspect is the political agenda of Constantine, or the encryption of the pagan symbolism into ancient Catholicism. As for Opus Dei, they’ve only been around since the 1920’s. And if you were wondering how the very very very ancient Priory of Scion managed to have a high-tech bank account – well, it’s very true that the Knights of the Templar actually formed the foundations of modern international banking as we know it – and that’s were the ancient conspiracy meets the modern. Some believe that the Priory of Scion still operates as a shadow society today (even though officially it dropped from radar in the 1500’s) and was highly influential in the formation of the European Union (EU) and the introduction of the Euro.

There is some part of me that does yearn for the deep mysteries and mythology of the Code. Some part of me that likes the ‘darkness’ of the unknown, and the secret. The passion of a cause. However – my cause is Christ. And I’m good with that.

Now, it’s just a matter of waiting for the usual Christian backlash, probably mistimed and mismanaged as per usual. I find that it’s probably unnecessary to say much – the BBC seem to have done a fairly good job. Although conspiracists would say that was exactly what they expected.

Wedding Bells
It’s just a few days now until Dani and Hans get married and officially become man-and-wife. It’s really pretty strange to imagine that someone I love and cherish so much is marrying someone I’ve never met. But faith is sometimes having faith in people as well, and that God is at work in ways I can’t comprehend.

Business
So today we had a look at some business space – a cool space, if difficult to find and interestingly setup with a number of different creatives working in a space that’s been there since the 1900’s (come to think of it – it may well be my love of history that means I love old buildings) when it lived a former life as a hotel. Consquently, it’s wooden with hundreds and hundreds of nails holding it together, and fireplaces in every room. It could be good. But it’s very very very terrifying. I’m feeling low. I’m feeling scared. I’m feeling insecure. I still freak out every so often thinking that I’m going to end up a colossal failure, unable to properly function in the business, cauterized in relationship. I know that between us we should be able to do something really phenomenal – we’re dependant heavenward enough. The biggest thing isn’t that I’m scared, or scared of myself. I’m actually scared of him. And that’s truthful enough. So – tomorrow is a new day, and I’m not going to be depressed or scared or low, or terrified more than I need to. And here’s to trying to find a way of saying “you scare the hell out of me”.

Being Scared, Being Left Behind
Partly I think the terror of doing all of this – is that I feel a little left behind right now. So many people that have packed up bags and left, going off on adventures. And I guess some of the strangest and hardest goodbyes are yet to come. I’m not sure how to say them, and I’m scared that I’m on my own adventure without them. Growing up is hard to do. For all concerned.

Song Of The Moment : Scratch
Kendall Payne

It’s a big girl world now
Full of big girl things
And everyday I wish I was small
I’ve been counting on nothing
But he keeps giving me his word
And I am tired of hearing myself speak
Do you ever get weary?
Do you ever get weak?
How do you dream
When you can’t fall asleep?

It’s a big girl world now
Full of big girl things

by tashmcgill | May 20, 2006 | Uncategorized

Pull Me Apart
You betray me with a kiss, a thought, a fear
and it rises from inside me, everything resting on
your whim and will, I live on the edge
of a dream, folding, rising and it could break
turn to me with hidden eyes, secrets I could keep
you betray me with a kiss but I resist
I will believe the best of you

Vision Banquet
Tonight was the Annual General Meeting of Windsor Park. It’s called the Vision Banquet. Felt pretty gutted that there was barely a turnout of 15 young adults to the night, and about the same number of youth. Seemed even worse when few of the young adults (bar two) stuck around to help clean up, when everyone else did. Seems like for the generation that talks about wanting community, wanting more interaction and input from the older generation, wanting to have responsibility and ownership – that there are some fairly crucial pieces missing from the necessary equation. It’s not a personal thing, except when it gets personal. It’s personal when the whole table leaves, going to a cafe and inviting you to join them when you’re finished packing up. And let’s be clear – there was actually no expectation for me to clean up – many of the other staff had left and gone home fairly rapidly – youth staff included. But I choose to because it demonstrates something about my contribution and value on the community. I’m just disappointed. However, reading these notes of Marko’s was helpful.. and I think that perhaps there are broader implications into tonight’s situation. As well as there needing to be some growing up.

I probably sound overly harsh, but I feel so gutted. Thankfully my young people (also about 10 in number) stayed freely and easily to help pack up = they have a different mindset – also illuminated slightly by Marko’s notes from Scott McKnight – when it comes to seeing the difference between ‘doing’ and ‘being’ and ‘missional’.

Beautiful
I spent the morning with Liz, beautiful, radiant, talented Liz who is one of the most amazing women I have ever had the privilege of knowing. What she has been through in the past 8 weeks is her story to tell (and I have every intention of ensuring that she does, when the time is right) .. but today I can share some special moments of our time together.

I went over to catch up and take some photos of the kids. She and Jeff and the kids are moving to Welcome Bay, Tauranga in 2 weeks. It’s a big scary change in a climate of intensity that many wouldn’t weather. It was also the first time that we could properly talk (or rather listen) to her story.

It was unbelievable the grace with which she was able to share it, some written down – the moments of labour and preparation that led to discovering Sam had died. A full and detailed account of the labour and birth, and the days that followed. The funeral addresses – reading them again was equally moving, even though I was there. Looking at the photos of the burial. Listening to the deep God conversations that have been going on for Liz and family and Stu. After listening to the murmurings on the edges of that conversation, it was good to center it, on Liz, whom I love and trust and weep for. She read parts of her journal, and talked about the weight of grief, the processing of it. She’s launched into it with a determination and pragmatism that could only come from Liz. And in the midst of it, her heart is still true, and faith buries it’s roots deeper. Peace takes on new depth and works it’s way out in every pore. Even now, the sadness and weight in her eyes is lightened at the corners.

I managed to bust out a very shaky and nervous rendition of her song. I was so nervous. I’ve always been so aware of my inadequacies when it comes to musicality, my vocals and gat-playing. Especially when in the context of the Squire/Tamblyn family – as a teenager playing with these guys, I was so average in comparison. So I’ve carried that for a long time. Still have it. It still burns. One time, Liz said “you’re good at what you do, but you couldn’t record an album.” It’s honesty, and it’s good, but I’ve carried it for a long time – she probably doesn’t even remember. But anyway – now at 26, seems foolish to still be weighed down by it.. but then look at the folks around me .. I am average. It’s relative, but I’m average. Even those around me who haven’t realised the full scope of their ability, throw me back into the shadows of doubt. I shook and trembled through it – however, Liz was ‘listening to the sentiment behind it’ and even was gracious enough to ask for another rendition sometime. Maybe.. I still hold that she is amazingly talented and I miss playing and singing with her.

Song Of The Moment : An Oldie, But A Goodie
Full Of Grace
Sarah McLachlan

The winter here’s cold, and bitter
It’s chilled us to the bone
We haven’t seen the sun for weeks
To long too far from home
I feel just like I’m sinking
And I claw for solid ground
I’m pulled down by the undertow
I never thought I could feel so low
Oh darkness I feel like letting go
If all of the strength and all of the courage
Come and lift me from this place
I know I could love you much better than this
Full of grace
Full of grace
My love
So it’s better this way, I said
Having seen this place before
Where everything we said and did
Hurts us all the more
Its just that we stayed, too long
In the same old sickly skin
I’m pulled down by the undertow
I never thought I could feel so low
Oh darkness I feel like letting go
If all of the strength
And all of the courage
Come and lift me from this place
I know I could love you much better than this
Full of grace
Full of grace
My love

by tashmcgill | May 20, 2006 | Uncategorized

Hurt

I hurt myself today to see if I still feel
I focus on the pain the only thing that’s real
the needle tears a hole the old familiar sting
try to kill it all away but I remember everything
what have I become? my sweetest friend
everyone I know goes away in the end
and you could have it all my empire of dirt

if I could start again
a million miles away
I would keep myself
I would find a way

Don’t ask for much. Give a lot away. Keep things simple. Keep your focus. Maintain the important things. Don’t get caught up in what’s small and insignificant. Let the bigger picture determine your perspective.

They (whoever ‘they’ may be) say “keep your friends close, and your enemies closer.” It requires a mercenary perspective on relationships. They become somewhat transactional. You start to equate things to a spectrum of how much pain you are likely to experience within the confines of those relationships. And sometimes the lines are blurry between friends and enemies that wound you. Not to mention who we inflict our wounds upon. So in a sea of friends and enemies, you learn to take the good with the bad. You learn to manage a set of expectations around certain relationships. You learn the habits of insecurity or oblivion, or you learn when to say. Sometimes you choose the higher value objectives, the long term, the bigger picture, the end results. You adjust yourself to the circumstances and overlook what shouldn’t matter but inevitably does. You get a little numb around the edges. Sometimes you get a lot numb.

So on the days when you get hurt, let down, bruised. Caught by surprise by the sudden callousness, reminded that some friends momentarily can be brutal, can be cruel. When the numb ache is replaced with a sharp sting, you have to re-focus. Small things, small neglectful actions that happen without words, without acknowledgement. They happen in a moment of carelessness, but they arouse suspicion where there should be none, betray trust where trust is fragile to begin with.

It’s a choice, you know. To keep the secret, secret. To allow it to just be silent, to be passed by, passed over, unquestioned. That would be keeping the eye on the bigger picture. That would be focussing on the main agenda. But wonder starts, and the secret heart steps back and niggles, it whispers ‘stay wary, stay safe.’

And this is the way of Love. It asks to be vunerable, demands to be led out into the wide open spaces, where nothing is numb. Where pain as sharp as bloodstains is as welcome as light that’s warm and whole. A wholehearted wide open life demands Love that’s brave, and wears it’s timidity honestly.

So here I am, trying to keep my eyes wide open, and my heart laid bare. Terrified that I’m far too vunerable for caution. Fearful that common sense has been left far behind, because I’ve already signed the papers and made the deals – and now I’m committed to the Hurt. No matter what we do, no matter how far it goes, you can hurt me. You can let me down. I’m no longer numb. Friendship is about to be redefined and driven to the edges of space. Will I keep these secret wounds?

by tashmcgill | May 19, 2006 | Uncategorized

Better Way

i’m a living sunset lightning in my bones
push me to the edge but my will is stone
fools will be fools and wise will be wise
but i will look this world straight in the eyes
what good is a man who won’t take a stand
what good is a cynic with no better plan
reality is sharp it cuts at me like a knife
everyone i know is in the fight of their life
take your face out of your hands and clear your eyes
you have a right to your dreams and don’t be denied

i believe in a better way

Today in Hamilton we were debriefing camp. This ususally means a day of conflicting emotions for me. Celebrations, commendations and consolations over the things that didn’t work. Today I left still holding on to secret disappointments, things that didn’t work so well but people didn’t really notice. A list of changes and improvements for next year. An impossible challenge to live up to the expectations that I seem to create for myself. What am I thinking? Yet I know it’s not over yet. The best is still to come. The best will come as I grow this team of creatives – who will push me beyond what I am capable of. The production team that will expand my expectations and understanding of methodology and expression. One more year.

But it has challenges. We continue to grow and so it continues to be necessary to come up with new ways of meeting the growing needs of the camp. We undercharge for the current marketplace but we hold it as a value to make it affordable for the least advantaged. At last today, we’ve finally taken hold of the design, image and promotion – recognising that we can do a better job. So next week, work begins on the newest team – a team of designers, programmers and web builders that will work with me year round on everything from the print media to the programmes to the onscreen media at camp. There is a better way – and I think we are on the way to find it.

The May Fly
I am loving the new vodafone “Make The Most Of Now” campaign. I like the May Fly. I like that it lives only for a breath of a moment. And it lives with consuming energy, with a burning sense of purpose and innate understanding of what Life is all about. Seems like we sometimes stumble around on the edge of the Dream for a long time before we get to that point of understanding and ability. When you make life simple, it’s much easier to “be” who you are, and out of that “being” your “doing” makes a lot more sense.

I’ve been reading the story of the Israelites. I like how Moses reminds them over again of what God said all along. I wonder how much of his storytelling is actually about reminding himself. So as the Israelites reach Canaan, the Lord says “see, here is the land that I have given you, now go and take possession of it”. Of course – they don’t and end up wandering around in the Desert on the very edge of the Dream until the last of that generation is old, weary and dying.

The simplicity and beauty of the May Fly is that it simply sees what is given and takes possession of it. It doesn’t dilly-dally around with common sense or fear, it simply leaps into the centre of the Dream and lives it with such realism that every moment of life, no matter how brief, is cherishable and doable.

So it seems that in this new Dream that is unfolding – this freedom to be and do from the centre of who I am, from the inside out, with people around me who are longing to leap wholeheartedly into the Dream as well – that there has been much given, and so there is much to take. There is so much to explore and I think now that I am overwhelmed with all the Life there is to live in the midst of. I am hoping for a lifetime of deep, long breaths!