by tashmcgill | Aug 12, 2005 | Uncategorized
Try Being Profound, On a Regular Basis
It’s not the fun you think. There too many things in life to talk about, too many different things to think about. And if I took all the thoughts in my head, I would waste away the days, but without these things I think about I’m afraid the world.. will lose interest.
Oh, I know I’m not that wise… yet. I know I’ve got so much to learn. But still in the bottom of my veins somewhere.. I feel I oughta have something to say. Cos you don’t get this way for nothing. You don’t feel these things without some ultimate purpose, oh, I feel there oughta be a purpose.
For if I could be like Solomon, even for a day or week, my own problems I’m sure that I could solve and that would be productive. Cos I feel I’m living inside my head too much for the moment. And while it’s a pretty marvellous place to be, it screws with perspective. How I live is not the way, that many or any of us should be, there’s a lonely space and it don’t get better most days.
It doesn’t mean I’m sad. I say that a lot. It doesn’t comfort the way it should. And I say it’s good for my development, but I feel I’m going backwards mostly. So I think too much, pray aloud, sing a new song nearly every day. I just would like a roadmap Lord, is it too much to ask.
We can’t help but be comparative beings, and I do my share of comparisons, though I ought to know better, it strikes me.. that whilst you might believe I’m brilliant, or capable of such, there’s a concrete chain around my intellectual metabolism. I look to those around me, so much confidence they have, and I think, life’s so fragile and so fleeting, I’m so discontented with my days. I feel closer to dying but I’m still so young, yet it could be over in a matter of moments.. the speed with which it passes by. Find me lyrical, at a heartbeat, wrestling with the inner soul or was that a demon of obsession that never seems to want to let me go?
These few short days of mine, seem too few and yet so long. Is it wrong of me to hold the hope of heaven, knowing that’s the only place I’ll feel at home? But’s too far now to give me any of the peace that I may crave.
Give me a hope now, and a justice
a demonstration of the Love
that may lead me on for Glory’s sake
for I’m one of the Small Ones
who doesn’t know her way, You could
light a path to show me and I
would cling to Your footsteps.
by tashmcgill | Aug 10, 2005 | Uncategorized
Tagged…
I don’t think I’ve ever actually been web-tagged before. And because I have a delightful blog that can be anything it wants to be.. I am going to accept the challenge…meanwhile I’m eating Skittles. We only used to get them when Aunty Dana and Uncle John came home from the States. Now you can buy them here, but the fruity goodness reminds me of long ago days.. so it seems appropriate.
What I was doing ten years ago
I was at Epsom Girls Grammar School, hanging out with Te3re, singing, writing, learning, working at the fish’n’chip shop and stuff. Boring huh?
What I was doing five years ago
I was working at Life FM, hanging out at SCCC, beginning plans for Eastercamp 2001, working for BYM.
What I was doing one year ago
Getting ready for my trip to the States, planning Eastercamp 2005, hanging out at Windsor Park Baptist. Going to Carey Baptist College, interning and worshipleading in the youth ministry.
Yesterday
Worked at my temp job in town. Went to a leaders night at Windsor Park. Dinner at Al & Heather’s.
5 snacks I enjoy
…breads and dips
…chips and salsa
…coffee
…bananas
…hmmm… i can’t choose.
5 songs I know all the words to
Stink question for a worship leader.. ummm.. but outside of that..
.. multiple Dave Dobbyn charts
.. multiple Crowded House/Finn charts
.. multiple DMB charts
.. I know you by heart (Eva Cassidy version)
.. Earthsuit … Wonder
5 things I would do with $100 million
.. buy the house I live at
.. give a lot away to worthwhile people and things
.. buy some great guitars & amps & gigboards
.. start a missional creative arts trust for community kids
.. go for a holiday
5 locations I would like to run away to
.. Africa
.. America .. coast to coast, but only if I can bring some friends
.. New York
.. Ireland
.. Europe
am I being general enough to indicate that I can’t decide?
5 bad habits I have
.. not open my mail for long periods of time, unless it looks like a real letter.
.. being really untidy when I get busy.
.. taking the impersonal personally
.. over thinking things
.. staying up too late lost in good conversations
5 things I like doing
.. playing guitar/songwriting
.. being creative with paint, fabric, words, food
.. walking on beaches, with friends
.. cooking for friends
.. hanging out with music, coffee, wine, conversation
5 things I would never wear
.. anything peach
.. a two-piece bathing suit
.. a mini skirt
.. lycra anything unless it’s underneath
.. should you never say never..?
5 TV shows I like
.. buffy the vampire slayer & any spin off show
.. scrubs
.. the news.. I know.. I’m a geek.
.. mash
.. ok, so Extreme Make-over makes me cry
5 biggest joys of the moment
.. the possibilities of making music
.. knowing Dani will be here soon
.. hanging out with Jesse and Liam Stevens.. the boys!
.. being around my family and friends
.. seeing God things happen within my community
5 favorite toys
.. my guitars
.. my computer
.. my car stereo
.. my kitchen .. actually Andy & Kirsten’s kitchen
.. my camera
Now I’m tagging
.. Stu
.. Skip
.. Jeremy
.. Lynne
by tashmcgill | Aug 9, 2005 | Church, Culture & Ideas
Confused Identity
“Kia mura tonu nga ahi kaa
mo te matemateaone”
Keep the home fires burning,
so loved ones will always return.”
I am looking for a home fire, and wanting to surround my campfire with other travellers, artists, thinkers, lovers, friends, companions that will enrich both my own faith but also make a lasting impact on the surroundings we live in. To burn a fire that will both warm, light, consume and refine people who gather around it.
Now, I am at war with myself, and others, as to where that fire is. Where it should be. Where it must be. Where it could be. All these questions and possiblities float like smouldering ash from a bonfire. Whether work and home in pastoral, missional life can interact and serve one another.
And I am looking for a home fire for my immediate community.. and that is where the personal and ministry stories intersect. We are predominantly a white, middle class modernly styled, seeker-friendly youth – adult congregation that meets on Sunday evenings on the North Shore of Auckland. We are a large community, and that both helps and hinders us.
The kind of people that I would gather around my campfire, are not necessarily those who gather around this one, but I sense one has something to offer the other in complimentary parts.
Yesterday’s conversations with Brian W, highlighted that although I believe incorporating more of the arts and Emerging practice into our evening gatherings would be of enormous benefit to some.. the reality is that enrichment can sound presumptious, educational can sound arrogant.. and too much experimentation can overwhelm the voice and power of simplicity. I’ve been reading Edward de Bono’s book on Simplicity. Which raises the question of Confused Identity.
If one week I am leading the music team above, in pop/rock choruses, with the occasional hymn thrown in for effect, and the immediate week after, I am asking them to trust me to lead them through a labyrinth…. is that remotely fair?
Small steps, small steps, and in careful constructed pathways.
I was so wary that creativity as an idea of ‘good practice’ would become the inevitable goal in this process.. and I think that we are on the cusp of that now. So two big steps back, reframe, breathe again… and think simple.
I’m lighting a fire, and I have to start with kindling, fuel and a small match before I can lay the heavy logs on.. after all, this is meant to be a fire that burns slowly, and for a long time, the kind of fire that invites the visitor, not simply burns and roars in the faces of the familiar. And perhaps… I have an obligation to be the match. Or a desire to be. I know that I want to love these ones into my campfire, and make a home for them there.
All at once, I am charismatic worship leader, songwriter, poet, painter, youth pastor, colleague, student, teacher, leader, voice, ear. I am indeed confused. No wonder, music leading has been hard these past few weeks. It’s become over-complicated and pulled in too many different directions. I am breathing deep, I am thinking… “be aware of the roles, not defined by them”.. I am thinking.. tend the fire first. I am thinking of loved ones, and how I can guide them to this place. I am thinking of the desert where this fire will burn, and I am praying very hard. I am asking… how can I make this a fun place to be?
Kure kwandinoenda, asi ndichakusvika chete – Where we are going is far, but we will eventually get there.
PS
Isn’t is amazing what a few candles, crimson flowers & a white tablecloth will do for a mid-winter pot-luck dinner? As we gathered the music team last night, I felt a lot of pleasure in who they are as people. There was no inspirational talking.. just conversation, food, gifts (from small to ridiculous), music.
by tashmcgill | Aug 9, 2005 | Uncategorized
Ahi Kaa
So, beyond Friday.. I went to the women’s ministry event. There were several significant images that arose again. The tree, the garden and the river from Jeremiah, Isaiah and Psalms. The seasons and passing of the proper time from Galatians 6.9 and Ecclesiastes. The barren woman.
I am an unlit match, being held too close to the fire.
There was a picture of a dam, with cracks and holes appearing, the closer to the flame I get. I am frantically trying to plug the holes and cracks, and yet whilst I am furiously resistant to the dam breaking, I don’t know what’s behind it. So I can’t reason out why I wouldn’t want the dam to break.
Perhaps it’s a safe excuse for avoiding anything larger that might crop up.
Between these images, and feelings, and the growing sense of need for a home fire to be burning somewhere.. I’m a bit lost right now.
I need encouraging words and gentle reassurances.
by tashmcgill | Aug 5, 2005 | Uncategorized
The Fire
I once moved to a church community that convinced me they lived so passionately in the midst of their faith, I wanted to be part of an irresistable movement. Jeremy came past to drop off some photos at the office tonight and talked intentional living spaces. Steve talks about the ahi kaa .. the home fires.
These ideas swirl in front of me, as I sit with lit prayer candles in my office, planning a labyrinth for next week, and asking the question.. where is Jesus inviting me to next?
