by tashmcgill | Apr 23, 2008 | god ideas, Uncategorized
I am not what I ought to be. I am not what I want to be. I am not what I hope to be. But still, I am not what I used to be. And by the grace of God, I am what I am.
John Newton
A Eulogy Of Hope
There are a lot of funerals you go to, and leave feeling somewhat lifted. You leave having celebrated, remembered, laughed and farewelled. You share your grief and in that space the ‘knowingness’ of being with others comforts you.
I didn’t go to Tony’s funeral yesterday – I would have been a spectator to sorrows; but Kyla did and we shared and talked about it last night. Tony was so exceptional in every area of his life, with every person he encountered you hear the same stories and character retold.
The scary and terrifying thing about Tony’s life is that he did it so well. Lived so well and died so well, as Paul references. In 29 years he left a legacy of life that was already being celebrated before he died.
That is a challenge that rumbles in my spirit and shakes my bones. If I was to die now, what would the living legacy of my life be? I’m not satisfied with it all yet, although parts of it I think are good and worthy. Perhaps this new season will bring some hope of somehow living better with this life than I am now.
Song Of The Moment : Say It To Me Now
Glen Hansard
I’m scratching at the surface now
And I’m trying hard to work it out
So much has gone misunderstood
This mystery only leads to doubt
And I didn’t understand
When you reached out to take my hand
And if you have something to say
You’d better say it now
Cause this is what you’ve waited for
Your chance to even up the score
And as these shadows fall on me now
I will somehow
Cause this is what you’ve waited for
A chance to even up the score
And as these shadows fall on me now
I will somehow
Cause I’m picking up a message Lord
And I’m closer than I’ve ever been before
So if you have something to say
Say it to me now
Say it to me now
Say it to me now
by tashmcgill | Apr 21, 2008 | god ideas, Uncategorized
Supplied by Eugene Peterson
“All the persons of faith I know are sinners, doubters, uneven performers. We are secure not because we are sure of ourselves but because we trust that God is sure of us.”
This one true thing I can say of my life : that in it’s entirety, my life will always be a collection of great mistakes, small mercies, faithful dream-chasing and great comebacks.
In times of sorrow and confusion, I often return to the deep favourites.
Mike Yaconelli is my companion through this current journey, not because he comforts my grief, although his words are full of compassion – but because he reassures me of a Grace that is radical, beyond boundaries and refuses to make me the broken, the poor & the hurting. Regardless of my sorrows and struggles – I am not the least, I am still the rich young ruler, I am still the servant with talents. I am not the least or the last and so whatever processing I want to do in this place – I refuse to allow my suffering to be over-exaggerated in the light of present and true suffering in this world.
Also, Yaconelli’s words have proof about them. A life of messiness lived out loud and lived well, so that he gave freedom out of his own self, also messy, to others.
Four Nonprinciples of Spiritual Growth
1. Spiritual Growth Encompasses a Lifetime of Decisions
Nothing is over yet – in other words, growth doesn’t stop unless you stop choosing it. Sometimes your choices lead you forward, sideways, backwards.. all over. Deep, rich, textured layers.
2. Spiritual Growth Looks Different for Each of Us
I have my own pathway. So nothing is necessarily what it appears and the journey to the destination is just as likely to be as unique and personal as the final destination is. All of it is likely to take some if not all, by surprise.
3. Give God 60% (Or Give God 100% of Whatever % You Currently Have)
I’m not shaken in my faith, or questioning God in any of the current circumstances. I’m certainly wrestling with questions but not of Him. So today, maybe I only have a little bit to give, but I can give all of my little piece. I’m a widow with two coins.
4. Reluctant Growth Is Still Growth
Growth isn’t made up of spiritual star charts or memory verses. No matter how many Scriptures you can quote or how invested in your understanding of the Talmud you are – growth is where God is crafting you, not solely the application of spiritual disciplines.
Time And Silence
Time and silence have this thing they do together. They make a chasm that has no bottom to it. And there you are, standing right on the edge of it. Aware that any moment you may be falling and falling and falling, with no hope of recovery.
by tashmcgill | Apr 13, 2008 | god ideas, Uncategorized, worship
there are the dark days
that cloud the mind right from the start
there are the eulogies i compose
for my own goodbyes
there are the melodies i’ve learned
to sing by heart when i’m alone, afraid
my life has been a song of sorrows
there is a quietness that i have never shaken
a terrifying absence and depression
that most of what i dream of will never come to pass
cos i imagine life too big before i even start
and my ambition is to make a difference
as large a one as i ever could concieve
and my name may never be made known
my ambition stays the same
i’d make a difference to your heart
i’ve read ten thousand names and whispered them aloud
i’ve spent long nights awake perfecting every part
i’ve listened to the heartbeat of a thousand lives
and heard the same refrain, and i’ve tried to make a difference
there are the words that stick
within the corners of the mind
there are the tears that start
with any memory of long hard nights
there are the sad songs and poems
that walk me through the days
my life has been a song of sorrows
and my ambition is to make a difference
collecting all the stories my life is made of
and if i could somehow remember all their names
my ambition was to make a difference to your heart
and their names would make the finest start
my eulogy can start anytime you like
as soon as you feel satisfied, i’ll take the walk
i simply ask to see a thousand faces beside the Son
and remember me where i made a difference to your heart
by tashmcgill | Mar 12, 2008 | eastercamp, god ideas, Uncategorized, youth ministry
love is more thicker than forget : ee cummings
love is more thicker than forget
more thinner than recall
more seldom than a wave is wet
more frequent than to fail
it is most mad and moonly
and less it shall unbe
than all the sea which only
is deeper than the sea
love is less always than to win
less never than alive
less bigger than the least begin
less littler than forgive
it is most sane and sunly
and more it cannot die
than all the sky which only
is higher than the sky
It Has Been Too Long Since We Were Together
This has been a week of long nights, early mornings, rushed words, hasty dreams, dark clouds, pinot noir, the absence of cigar smoke, longing for some things, craving others, wallowing in sensory pleasure and the grasping pain of it. It’s not even been a week, after all, today is Wednesday and things only started on Sunday.
But it’s too long since we’ve been together, my heart and I.. so we have snatched tender moments in the days and nights..
1. Sunset on Monday in golden light, breaking bread and drinking wine for the sake of art, film, magic, storytelling and Hope.
2. An friend of many days and a corner store wine bar, laughing and telling stories of surprising mirth, sorrow and Hope.
3. A long day of fine-tuning, waiting, talking, discussing, listening, praying and Hoping.
Tonight the love affair with my soul continues.
It’s wednesday night and usually that would mean that I’m at youth group. At least it used to, in this community that I live in. Nowadays it means I usually work late, looking for something that will occupy the space and give it meaning. Some of my best work comes from Wednesday Weight Of The Absence.
So – I’m writing for the kids – my kids. Cos without being too petty.. even tho I don’t got kids of my own anymore, in eight days time, I’ll have 3500 of them at least. And for four days, I do youth ministry. Only four days to change the world. Anyone want to come with me?
Oh, For The Hell Of It
Earlier I posted here about our mainstream show at eastercamp this year. Sure enough, we’ve booked Elemenop, Streetwise Scarlet, Midnight Youth, Arms Reach and crowd favourites Mumsdollar to play this year.
The feedback has been heavy, expected and equally disappointing.
…Only what is Righteous and Holy should be presented before God. If you were standing before God would you have a clear conscience that the bands chosen glorify him on the weekend that he was crucified?
… we gather together to Glorify Christ for what he has done for us, not listen to a bunch of non Christian bands, we gather together to encourage each other and worship Christ. This is where we feel we cannot affirm the current decisions made here for Easter camp as a church family.
.. I really wanted to get clarification where you guys were headed as I am extremely uncomfortable where the camp is heading spiritually and we are starting to take steps to protect our teens in our youth groups.
.. As a pastor you can understand where I’m coming from I hope, we only want the best we can for our church family. And ultimately we are responsible for the teens we send there as leadership in our church, and before God.
.. I will not apologize for the Gospel, and if it is not going to be preached, I will pull you up on it. This is my duty as a fellow Christian. Iron sharpens iron, You need to know, we’re not into social justice, were into the Word of God and Christ Crucified. That’s the real gospel, teens need to hear that message.
This is exactly the kind of feedback that we expected from some groups, but it gives me great delight to hold on fast once again to the values that we do hold precisely so dear. When we gather together each Easter, we absolutely preach the Gospel, steady and true. We use scripture, story, image, you name it. More than that even, we present a Gospel that is very living, very real and very much in the trenches, exactly where Christ ground it out.
I love the story of the Wesley brothers, who vowed at one time to only ever use the basest, most vile and common language that was to be understood by the people, so that there would be no hindrance to their hearing of the Gospel of Grace and Truth. It’s in our ministry, care and concern for the last, the least and the lost that we find ourselves on the precipice of dangerously vile ground.
I like living here. This is a space that will change the face of the church in NZ in fifteen years, because as I’m sure so many will agree, a Gospel without true justice isn’t any Gospel at all. Grace and Justice and inexplicably connected in this faith. I’m even prepared for camp to get smaller, so that the Truth can get bigger. As if everything single thing we do at camp isn’t buried at the foot of Christ first.
Imagine.. a Gospel without a love for the lost. That’s exactly what I hear in these words. John Macarthur would be loving this guy, but I end up feeling just sad at the misled unfortunate shadow that’s being cast here. If you’re so concerned with the preciseness of truth, how does one account for half, if not all the apostles of the first church? Bring it on, I say.
As if our God is scared for one second of a cutesy pop lyric that doesn’t use the word Hallelujah. As my friend Rob Harley is quick to point out on the phone the other night… Simon and Garfunkel hit the nail on the head when in the 60’s they said “the words of a prophets are written on the subway walls” when the church was still busy blessing the Lamb and singing Glory.
See, the world is calling out for Truth, crying out over injustice, burdened with sorrows. And her modern day prophets sing the songs that make the earth groan… who couldn’t hear that and respond.
by tashmcgill | Mar 5, 2008 | god ideas, Uncategorized
Or Skin Frequencies
Isn’t it incredible that when God let music fall from heaven, He reserved one set of melodies and harmonies for instruments of skin? We are touch-sensitive creatures.. areas of skin that are sacred, that are public, that are neutral. Touch corresponds to dozens of hidden messages wrapped up in scent, sight, touch, smell… and these sensations are like an orchestra pit in the belly or the womb. There is a sacred song playing somewhere when I connect with human music.
The right touch does wonders in a touch-starved world. Sometimes there is a longing for human music when no other song seems to fit. It’s a song of Job, a song of Solomon, a song of Moses and Miriam, even of Mary. There’s an endless frequency to be found in skin on skin. The embrace, the holding of the hand. The subtle invasion of body space to leave a mark or caress on the arm of another. The stolen kiss on the top of the head, the forehead or the back. (Those are some of my favourite places to say I appreciate you to the nearest and dearest – a chaste kiss on the glancing tip of a shoulder blade, an apex of strength and grace).
by tashmcgill | Mar 4, 2008 | god ideas, Uncategorized
So people + people = mess. Doesn’t matter if you’re the messy one or they are, sooner or later things are gonna get messy. Might be you splattering your mess onto other folk, or them other folk getting all messy on you. Sometimes, you just be walking down the street and you end up right in the middle of some sticky mess that you don’t know where the who or how it came from. Sure thing is, life is messy and people are gonna guarantee you that.
Seems to be that how you deal with the messiness, regardless of where it came from and especially being your own, is what can sum you up as a person. You can be virtuous as all of heaven, but if you ain’t wise in the sticky times, ain’t no one gonna put much stake in your virtue. Sometimes heroic is just plain ol’sticky covered in dirt, helping someone else wade through the muck, or being brave enough to keep on going when you’re up the eyeballs in your own shinouzen.
End of days, I’ll just be satisfied to hear two things. The Good Lord saying “you did okay by me, little one” and some brother or sister on this earth left behind to say whenever they were in the middle of stickiness they found me right alongside with’em, and that I managed to keep a clear head whenever I was myself stuck in the mess of it.
