by tashmcgill | Feb 13, 2008 | Uncategorized
5.48 PM
A brotherly valentine from my favourite little brother, Luke. Aw shucks. Best friends and little brothers winning me over : 2
Overtly romantic gestures from potential soulmates : 0
Minutes spent smiling anyway : 24 and counting.
5.30 PM
A Valentine! Flowers and a balloon from the most gorgeous 6 year old boy I know.
Sure, his mum bought the flowers, but he carried them and chose the colours.
1.34 PM
Nothing to report and about to leave for a meeting in Penrose. Definitely unlikely to find any valentines there.
12.29 PM
Valentines delivered: 0
Boxes of CDs delivered from australian band Mark The Sky: 1 (CDs = 3)
Number of deliveries currently being counted as Valentines: 1
Nothing else to report.
10.51 AM
Not to limit his creativity just to “made in NZ” care packages, Si just climbed out the kitchen window and around to my office window, whereupon he drew flowers & a V-Day card on the glass with whiteboard markers. Unfortunately we caught him in the act, so it was less of a surprise and more watching a master at work.
10.27 AM
Read blogpost to officemates. Simon says “Oh.. Happy Valentines Tash!”. Is now disappointed that the rest of the world nows he took the cheap and easy option. In other news, Si’s Valentines gift was well received on the other side of the world where it really counts. Made the mother cry, we are very proud.
10.26 AM
Nothing to report, not even from the coffee guy. Huh.
9.50 AM
Nothing to report.
7.10 AM
Wished Happy Valentines to Jayden on our way back to Akld.
by tashmcgill | Feb 8, 2008 | god ideas, Uncategorized
I’m standing in a dark place, when I was on the cusp of hope.
It wasn’t a hope born out of ambition, it was the hope that was born from a sense of coming home to myself. My skin felt like my own. My heart felt strong from a season of Judas’. I was saved.
There are some groups of people in life that you give yourself over to out of the firm conviction that it is what you ought to do. Sometimes it’s the very rightest thing to do, sometimes it’s just the ought-to that makes you do it. You give yourself over and over because you’re trying so hard to allow God to shape your character, trying to listen to the elders and authorities placed around you, jsut trying to do the damn best you can.
On the day that they come and ask more than they’ve ever asked before, you better have something to hold on to. You better have a heart made by the Judas experience.
People downcast, is despair
See the disillusion everywhere
Hoping their bad luck will change
Gets a little harder every day
People struggle, people fight
For the simple pleasures in their lives
But trouble comes from everywhere
It’s a little more than you can bear
I know that it will hurt
I know that it will break your heart
The way things are
And the way they’ve been
And the way they’ve always been
People shallow, self-absorbed
See the push and shove for their rewards
I, me, my is on their minds
You can read about it in their eyes
People ruthless, people cruel
See the damage that some people do
Full of hatred, full of pride
It’s enough to make you loose your mind
I know that it will hurt
I know that it will break your heart
The way things are
And the way they’ve been
I know that it will hurt
I know that it will break your heart
The way things are
And the way they’ve been
Don’t spread the discontent
Don’t spread the lies
Don’t make the same mistakes
With your own life
You never will let love survive
I know that it will hurt
I know that it will break your heart
The way things are
And the way they’ve been
Don’t spread the discontent
Don’t spread the lies
Don’t make the same mistakes
With your own life
Don’t disrespect yourself
Don’t loose your pride
And don’t think that
Everybody’s gonna choose your side
I May Know The Word But Not Say It
It’s like being stuck in the hardest place between the rock face and the boulder. One is breaking your back and the other is giving you nothing to hold on to. When you’re faced with that choice, you’ve got nowhere to go and they know it.
We’re political creatures, our slick underbellies covered in the writhing dirt of the places we go to in the midst of turmoil. Me, I look up to the light and cry out in anguish and sorrow… but I’m still stuck in the earth. I feel the darkness creeping into my body. I’m being forced to choose to do what I ought to do.
Just at the dawn of my hopeful season, when the Beloved Father has been promised light for the road, peace for my sorrows, joy for my sufferings, a new season of hope for the struggle that has been before… Judas comes and tells me I’m not done yet. Tells me of the dark road he wants me to walk. Judas comes and caresses my cheek with one hand, proclaiming what is beginning to satisfy him… and whispers in my ear how far I have to go.
With one breath he proclaims belief and in the other reminds me that I am far from acceptable. All at once Judas is my judge, my tormentor, my purgatory, my corruptor and still walks under the name friend.
The wound that comes from a friend is sharp, but this is sharper : that friendship is a guise of love, and words come to rape. On the eve of my ‘coming forth’, on the eve of God’s great promise of light – I am left naked, humiliated, unclothed and unacceptable. Judas’ ravaging of me leaves me unfit for anything.
This is the hard place. Because the only appropriate Christian response of someone in ministry is to accept hard words, untruthful or not, and respond with grace. But it feels so empty. It doesn’t feel like that has any strength or truth in it. My strong heart crumbles at acquiesing to accusation one more time.
What’s it like there outside
With the living?
From this broken down place
Where I hide
From the living
From the living
Cause I don’t care to stay
With the living
O, the bottle has been to me
My closest friend and
My worst enemy
Afraid that I’ve walked a fine line
Squandered it all
And wasted my time
And I don’t stand a chance
Among the living
All the lovers I’ve gambled and lost
Count my mistakes
Whatever the cost
I’ll go off, I’ll make myself scarce
Come tomorrow
You won’t find me here
Cause I don’t care to stay
Among the living
No, I don’t think I’ll remain
with the Living
I’m A Pocketbook Of Black Marks
I think I’m magnetic when it comes to black marks. What is it about my life that everyone else is won over to the joy of the God journey that is just hanging around my life occassionally… except Judas. Judas counts every failure, measures every fault. Sure, Judas measures some of my successes, but never the private ones that really matter. Stacked up against each other – my personal failings next to my public successes – the comparison is intimidating.
But if you were to ask me, I would say that I’m comfortably a work in progress. Not finished yet, nowhere near. But I know my story, where i’ve come from and where I’m going. I’m fearless about the future.
i might be made of pieces
but i’m not fucking broken
so move your hand from my cheek
and from my back
i don’t need your strength to stand
i’m not broken despite the best attempts
i might be made of pieces
but i’m not over
and i’m satisfied to work on that
cos on my knees, some humility
God knows the state of my heart
not fucking broken, strong enough
this is a life in progress
and I’m a heart of pieces
perfectly designed for easy examination
heartbreaks and rebuilding destinations
i’m not over, i’m not over
324 perfect little pieces
piecing me back again, again
i have a strong heart
my mother gave it me
when i was young and ever since
i’ve kept in good nick
a strong heart
it withstands heavy things
good luck breaking it
i might be made of pieces
mostly from the inside out
parts of the heart that live outside my shell
and beat a tattoo that I know on my soul
pieces, where’d i learn to be so strong
got it in pieces, from the broken ones
but i’m not broken i’m not broken
just a collection
Honesty Isn’t Just Choosing To Tell The Truth
It’s choosing to live it as well, big truths and little truths.
by tashmcgill | Jan 31, 2008 | Uncategorized
“Funny huh, that when the direction becomes clear, the path seems muddy. it always seemed as though the problem was getting my head around whether youth ministry was where I wanted to go. Now that I figured out the answer was yes, i wouldn’t have the foggiest idea how to get there.” – Tash McGill, 7 June, 2002.
Oh I live in a land of regrets
oh there are a few but mostly i forget
the names, the places
it’s just the feelings I remember
and the look in your eyes
of complete surprise, I always took you by surprise
Parachute 08
Parachute festival was its usual malachy of 3 days covered in dust, music and good times. I was helping out a little in the artist liaison team, as well as programming. A number of bands had issues with itinerary planning, communication and luggage. Namely, instruments not turning up, or getting there just in the nick of time. It was a great pleasure to meet a couple of bands from across the ditch, namely my new good friends Mark The Sky and Modern Joy.
I thought that a couple of a venues lacked real personality, and the headliners really failed to grab me but music is about the people as much as it is about anything else and the connections that get made between folks from all around th world are really precious.
Thankfully the installation that we have been working on for World Vision went really well, including an interview with Parachute Band. It was so good to put on my radio shoes again.
Eastercamp
Things are in full swing and now we get to look forward to pulling it all together. I’m delighted with progress.
by tashmcgill | Jan 17, 2008 | eastercamp, Uncategorized
We are about to be leaping into bright horizons and future growth stuff. Exciting, terrifying times. Eastercamp is into full swing, Parachute is next week. I’ve still got 13 kilos to lose in 9 weeks. I’ve been on diet holiday for a few weeks but all that is over now, it’s time to finish this Esther year.
Tonight driving home, all of a sudden I came across a line of road cones blocking the road. Someone’s idea of a funny joke, which was entertaining.
Tonight prior to driving home, I was at music practice. There is a sense to which I love and hate being a volunteer. I’m glad that I have a lot of life left, so that maybe one day, I will have enough hours to do all the things I feel like I want to.
It’s hard work playing for the morning team, because they all work like individuals. There’s no team, no making of music together, just a collection of parts. It’s not really music, just a sound generator.
