by tashmcgill | Feb 22, 2006 | Uncategorized

Weave A Wicked Web

The heart is a funny thing .. it can fool you into all sorts of paralytic emotions, and push you into writhing inner conflict as you wrestle, head against heart to make sense of whatever predicament you are most currently in.

Eventually though.. one must always win, and so you let your heart run wild or you hold it back to the principles and values that your head so wisely esteems. You make sense of it, and you force yourself to live within boundaries that are reasonable.

Seems like a lot of the time, people are living within fragile little cocoons. Territories clearly and carefully marked out, boundaries firmly in place. They dictate our behaviours, our thinking, our gauge of social boundaries and ettitquette. There are almost no limits to that which we can limit under the banner of decency.

I’ve been conversing with a number of people, just ruminating and thinking on circumstances that we find ourselves in. The extent to which we hold ourselves back from truly living in committed authentic relationship – the things that drive and motivate us towards our intimate connections, the safety of trying to create depth in our most distant relationships.

Lots of things to think about it, and an interesting time to be thinking about it all. I’ve been reviewing that over the past six months I’ve been consistently adding new people to my circle, and therefore, I’ve been asking the question about how honestly I am living with those people. And even with those that I see most often and spend the most proximate time with – how honestly do I live with them?

My primal need to be protected and cared for, looked after – I’ve grown more and more aware of what that triggers in me – and how the dark side creates unrealistic expectations on those around me to care and protect me. Interesting, how after all these years of trying to figure out the impact of my parents on me – I see myself raised to be incredibly independent and living in a highly-independant way – yet inwardly I’m desperate to be dependant (perhaps to the point of co-dependancy), vunerable and in need of others. Hilarious.

Where does Jesus fit in?

I’ve Got A Picture Of Jesus
Late last year, I realised that one of the significant models of Christ is my uncle. Which is weird – but it’s that whole protected, cared for, known element – a sense of having a place of belonging, of him being aware of me and looking out for me. Summers spent hanging with my uncle and aunty were safe and carefree places where the angst of home was far far far away. And within that – the idea of God the protector has really taken hold.

Last night at youth group – the discussion night was based around this – draw or create a picture of Jesus using whatever you like – words, images, stories. Then each of the groups had to present their pictures.

Nearly every single one was focussed on the salvation role of Jesus, Lord and Saviour. None, bar one, made any mention of his personality or personhood. Even then it was his trade as a carpenter that was mentioned.

So I raised the question, because as we head towards Eastercamp I am mindful of the injustice of considering Jesus only in relation to his role in the salvation story. That brings us smack dab into the middle of that nasty equation of ‘Born to Die’ that is so distasteful and throws out the meaning and relevance of the life of Jesus the Man. Homework for the group was to go away and come up with a significant discovery about Jesus the man – something about him that isn’t related to the Resurrection or the Perfect Sacrifice. It will be interesting to see what happens. Even some of my leaders were challenged in the shortcut thinking approach they had taken to the task – one even bailed me up very angry that I was suggesting it wasn’t enough to merely consider the aspect of Jesus, Lord and Saviour.

by tashmcgill | Feb 22, 2006 | Uncategorized

Sleepless Nights
Well, one 17 page programming report, 3 days in Hamilton, several coffee meetings later… and Eastercamp is really well underway.
Apart from that .. what is there in life?

Hmmm… sometimes I wish I was more interesting.

by tashmcgill | Feb 15, 2006 | Uncategorized

Decide Well
So many decisions racing .. tonight was easy. Go to the gig, Tash. Go to the Kings Arms and listen, ears pounding and blood racing. Watch forearms and bodies beat and throb in time with the thudding bass. Smile as the crackle of live-ness starts to etch itself on your skin again. Simple decision. Smile and stand on the tips of your toes to see the glimpses of magic in between the swaying heads and shoulders of the crowd. Smile and embrace the dear friends and reassure yourself that the network of this appearance won’t make you disgenuine. After all, you paid the price for authenticity at the door, checking the list twice and forking over ten bucks. He’ll be paying for it later but smile and nod, he’s hitting the rhythm right on strum and looking amazing in that red shirt. Embrace the tall one and the shorter one, let the eyes gleam a little; just enough to ensure that both interests are held, theirs and yours. Let the melodies protrude from the the chaos for a moment. Breathe deep. You’re at the gig, and it’s good. The room is still just as big and just as small. There are so many beautiful people in the room and they’re all soft enough to smile back.

Song Of The Moment : Stay Or Leave
Dave Matthews

Remember we used to dance
And everyone wanted to be you and me
I want to be too
What day is this
Besides the day you went babe
What day is this

by tashmcgill | Feb 13, 2006 | Uncategorized

There’s a whisper of you in a coffee cup, sitting outside under green shades.
I’m making decisions to leave you alone, but you’re whispering back to me.
You quiet me and I want you more than I realised.

Here’s to sweet summer songs, memories of great concerts and beach picnics.

by tashmcgill | Feb 12, 2006 | Uncategorized

In The Wee Small Hours Of The Morning

When the sun is high in the afternoon sky
you can always find something to do
but from dusk til dawn as the clock ticks on
something happens to you

In the wee small hours of the morning

It’s the time you lie awake, and think about .. someone and never ever think of counting sheep. It’s 2.52am as I type this. I’ve read a whole novel with drooping eyelids, trying to will myself to sleep. I have such a big week this week – lots of travel and commitments and creativity required, I can’t afford to be off my game.

But you, are running around in my head, not letting me have any peace at all. And why, oh why, I can’t explain – when there’s nothing you have said or done to make me feel this way. But I can’t sleep tonight, now that you are out of sight… and who knows though tomorrow you will likely say my name, for tonight, you are very far away.

On any other day, I’d write a song about it. Like so many have before – a song about the darkness and the quiet of the lonely hours just before the dawn. If you were here, I would wake you with kisses, and tell you of the rush inside my veins. Where the blood is pulsing that much quicker, just because you’re resting on my mind. I’d wake you with promises of sunrise, and open up the curtains for the stars. Maybe even sit outside in moonlight – it’s nearly full. And that’s the place where my love always starts.

Tomorrow, when it starts, although it’s already arrived, will bring a day of greyness and gloom I’m certain, for the moon is due to rise fully and completed and on those days I’m prone to feel the sadness, for no reason. Now I’m lying here awake, I’m yawning with out sleeping, and my eyes are weeping round the edges.

::Update::
I was dreaming when I finally got to sleep this morning. A big house with wide open windows. You were running around with the kids, while I lay in bed being lazy and enjoying the sound of a full house. The laughter was infectious and my cheeks are sore from smiling in my dream. You came rushing into the room, laying down on the bed – you smiled at me, and I smiled back, kids laughing and giggling as they climbed up. White linen everywhere.. and then the phone rang and I had to answer it. For some reason, I just couldn’t get this person off the phone, when all I wanted to do was tuck up underneath the arm you were extended, and rest my head against yours, surveying the wondrousness of a life.

You always seem to make a room seem so full of life. Where did this all come from? Go back inside my head, sweet thoughts that are so distracting.