by | Oct 16, 2005 | Uncategorized

I’ve Seen Fire And I’ve Seen Rain, But I Never Thought I’d See You Again

Seems appropriate to come home to blogging from an out of world experience..Last night I went to Mt Albert Baptist Church, to be part of the 90th birthday celebration, but also to hang out with Stu. It was a challenging experience to go back to a place that feels so familiar but I feel so strange within. What I remember of myself in that place is a stranger now. A girl who used to live inside this skin. I don’t know if I like myself better now or what, or if it was never a good fit and that’s why I was someone else.. or if as Donkey says, we’re like onions, and as we go through life we peel the layers off.

It was good to hear Mark Pierson (see the sidebar) speaking, especially about the future of the church, especially in the context we were in last night. People who were old and faithful are still there, and there are younger, newer faces there as well. I liked what he had to say about the future of the church not being found in more attraction in our attractionally-based ministries, and not in the Emerging Church either, but in asking the right questions and doing the time to get to the right answers.

Some of his questions were delightfully simple but the kind of questions that only have complex answers. Who are we? What is the best way to help these people sustain their faith in the world? The placement of the ‘in’ is important. It was just nice and refreshing. But the context made me uncomfortable.

Pride
Discomfort leads you to strange things. I found it really hard to go to MABC not looking fab… eing freshly showered, hair done, make-up perfect, wardrobe black.

The Weekend
I was going to go to the markets on Saturday morning, but a phonecall with Mum late friday afternoon changed that, and I headed up north on Friday night. It was a good drive listening to some good cd’s and having a little connecting time, both with myself and with God. There are a lot of things right under the surface for me at the moment. Deep things. Things that I can’t put words too, and maybe it’s my lack of ability to do that that’s led to a quiet patch here.

So .. driving through Tikipunga I saw the slim lines of the Volvo in the distance and ending up driving through to Ngunguru behind Mum & Pete. They had dinner with my sister’s boyfriend & parents.. Nice nice. Waking up in the morning with the sea so close and the view so exquisite was rest for a weary soul.

We spent much of the day at the new place, sanding and painting and setting furniture around. It’s a gorgeous place with lots of character. I enjoyed working on it for the weekend with Mum & Pete. But I did end up covered in dust and sweat and paintmarks for my trip to MABC… hence the pride issue.

Hermit-Like
Maybe it’s my own fault, the hermit-like existence that it seems like I’ve stumbled into.. Sometimes the light feels too bright.. I can stay focussed on the right things and the good things, so long as able to stay close enough to Truth.. to the words and books that lead me back to an intimate understanding, sense and desire for moving through this Valley and up into the High Places.

For the second or third week in a row, I’ve had minimal contact with ‘friends’. What are friends anyway? How do you define it, or put a measure on what it feels like to be connected? I feel static and it seems like everyone else is moving on around me. And then sometimes I feel as if I’m the one moving further and further away. It’s an implicit deep silence where once again.. I feel an absence of arms reaching towards me.

Reading
Velvet Elvis – Rob Bell
The Out Of Bounds Church – Steve Taylor
Captivating – John & Stasi Eldredge
The Journey of Desire – John Eldredge
Hosea – The Bible
Isaiah 42 – 62 – The Bible

Benediction
Great Heart of my heart
Search the depths of my soul
and see that You inhabit every part
each inch of skin and breath
lives only in the presence of Your
Great Love

by | Sep 20, 2005 | Uncategorized

Woah, Listen To The Music
Last night J & Jono came over for songwriting. It’s a strange process to have what feels like a large collaborative group to try and find a way forward together.

Because the first song came so easily, and has taken on a life of it’s own in our community it feels frustrating to try and re-create that moment. The practician in me realises that there will be songs that are simply average, but the wonder in me wants to find that moment where we tap into the beat of the Spirit in our community and in one another and the song writes itself.

So J set us homework, which is kinda funny, and we’re gonna to meet again on Saturday. We’ll see what happens next in this process.

Sometimes I think I’m so lost in the midst of the doing and being, that I’m losing my sense of comraderie and companionship with people. Maybe that is a sub-conscious factor here.

by | Sep 18, 2005 | Uncategorized

Casablanca
Friday night was exquisite.. sitting under the starlight of the Civic theatre, listening to the glorious building creak and settle in the winds, and the delightful crackle and buzz of the old-style projector rolling through the classics. The newsreels of the 1950’s Auckland Transportation plan was hilarious, and it was a shame that the Mayor didn’t stick around for the entertainment of watching how yesteryear’s foreplanning didn’t actual solve the issues at all..

The movie itself was stunning.. time and time again Ingrid Bergman’s tear-filled eyes shimmering with emotion as she gazes at Humphrey Bogart take my breath away, and his countenance at the airport staggers me. The writing unprecendented and the bittersweet ending remains unsurpassed. It was delightful to watch it with people who had never seen it before. The comfortable familiarity of my journey was enhanced by the joyful discoveries of those around me.

Anarchy
Nothing like a tied election to set tongues to wagging about the state of the nation. For those who have small addictions to political commentary (yeah, that’s my hand up) the next few weeks will have a tinge of addict rush to them, as the dust flies and everything settles.

21
It’s my sister’s 21st birthday today. Which is a marvellous thing, but makes me feel very old all of a sudden. We had a family breakfast at Frolic, opposite One Tree Hill domain. This is easy for my family who all live on the Central/South side of the bridge, but meant that I had to leave my house at about 6.15am to make it there by 8am. Breakfast was entertaining, but when I dropped Carmel at uni, Dad still hadn’t called her, which is the dull ache that seems to surround most of our family gatherings. I hope that she’s heard from him by now. We drove most of the way to uni holding hands, as I was willing the phone to ring.

More Confessions

Secretly, I’m still angry with the kids who made fun of me at school, but not as angry as I am with myself for believing them.

I get mad when people tell me that others are intimidated by my strong personality as if it’s my responsibility to change so that people will like me.

I’m committed to a lifestyle of simplicity and justice in a capitalist world, but I’m really glad my mum isn’t poor anymore.

My best friend is falling in love and I’m both delighted and envious all at once. I hope that he’s worthy of her.

I don’t really know my sister’s boyfriend that well, but sometimes at family gatherings I find myself thinking that he’s almost my favourite member.

I wonder all the time if I’m just too afraid to leave this place because I don’t want to be labelled a failure.

I’m still guilty of wanting my old church to regret how they treated me.

Secretly.. I’m starting to think that I’m just not that interesting or fun anymore.

Leaving On A Jetplane
It’s stormy and gusty in Auckland today. The skies outside my office are grey and dark, and last night I thought that the tin of my roof was likely to start peeling away. Not so of course, but in the dark of the night, you’re always apt to feel darker and more vunerable. Dani is finally on her way here and I can barely contain my breath of excitement! I know that I’m still not likely to see her for a while, but at least she’ll be in my hemisphere and it feels like this endless year of waiting will soon be over.

by | Sep 16, 2005 | Uncategorized

UhOh
My mother thinks I must be pregnant because she hasn’t seen me for so long. I can’t remember what my house looks like in daylight and it’s taken me three attempts to blog so far this week. I need a holiday. But the election is tomorrow and tonight I am going to the heritage screening of Casablanca at the Civic. It’s all good. Hopefully something resembling intelligent thought will be cast upon this page soon.

However, right now.. I’m off to the gym.

by | Sep 12, 2005 | Uncategorized

My Clever Possum
I have a clever possum. He lives somewhere close to my house, and likes to climb the grapefruit tree outside my living room window. When I get home late at night and switch on the TV for the late night news, I’ll hear a rustle-thump-thump and turn around to see a glimmering pair of eyes watching TV with me. Most recently I’ve decided that he’s particularly clever because he’s managing to snack on the grapefruit hanging in the tree, leaving the empty skins hanging. It’s quite a trick.

My Glorious Lorikeet
As we are heading into summer, and there are spring cherry blossoms and wild lilies all around my little valley, I’m sleeping with my bedroom windows open at night. Secretly it’s because I’m providing Prince Charming with easy access (ok kidding) but a surprising side benefit is waking in the mornings to the sight and song of rainbow lorikeets on my window sill. It’s a pair that live in the trees and bush surrounding me, often they fly up and down the driveway as you arrive home and leave but recently they have taken to singing to me in the mornings. Dad says that I should buy some birdseed, feed them and tame them. I’m not sure yet, but right now I think that they are so beautiful.

Old Skool Camp
Another weekend and another camp done. This time it was for the young adult community at Windsor Park. It was successful and not successful, but some of the concepts were awesome.. talking about how to do church if organised religion was made illegal opened doors for good quality conversation and ideas to circulate. My hope is that more and more of these opportunities will be able to gather momentum and eventually become part of the young adult lifestyle ministry that is driven by the participants rather than the passive modes we seem in at the moment.