by tashmcgill | Dec 1, 2005 | Uncategorized

Been Here Before
You may have read these before.

:: Friday, February 25, 2005 ::
I am tired now
Just lately when I think about it

Whoever said apathy wouldn’t get me
Whoever said that you wouldn’t rub off on me
Who ever said
Cos I was never that honest with you
I am tired now just
Lately when I think about it just
Lately when I think about it just
Lately when I think about it lately

And my head feels a little colder
My heart feels a little smaller
My world seems a little shorter
Something must be gone just
Lately when I think about it just
Lately when I think about it just
Lately when I think about it lately
Things just aren’t the same

:: Monday, February 21, 2005 ::
a little darkness now
a little silence in the staunch
white light
that calls me out of this sadness.

:: Wednesday, December 01, 2004 ::
Lucidity Speaks

When you speak, how often I must
listen with baited breath
to hear the thing you might say
next, could be funny or serious

off guard, i tend to spend these moments
and makes me like an addict
for I love the rush of blood to my
head when you make me think

before I speak, so I don’t get it wrong
so I don’t regret, but I live regretting
these moments, precious, few
i spend in awe of you, when Lucidity speaks

it reminds me that there’s something in the
air around us that I’m breathing funny
something makes me come alive
ideas that once were silent fly into

the sky that wakes and blinks in
blue hues that colour everything around us
somehow sharper with your eyes wide open
your voice softly speaking things aloud

where I can hear them, over rush of blood
and thought where they are blooming now
in sunshine of your fertilising mind, strange
how coincidence draws you to new places

where I’ve decided I would share a glass
of wine with you that was old, red wine that
I would usually treasure with someone dear
like you could someday be, you shake me.

:: Tuesday, May 25, 2004 ::
sometimes i have to make the effort
sometimes i have to try real hard
sometimes i have to make the effort
most of the time i question, is it worth it

sometimes i have to concentrate on what’s ahead
i have to focus on what’s important
and i have to choose between this and that other important thing
i want to go to sleep, lie down beside you
you are my important thing of the moment

cos i might never get this moment back
i might never get the hour back
and i would rather spend it in your love
than on something not worth it

Set Your Sails Love
Trevor Donnell once spoke to a church facing a time of transition about a sailboat on the water, facing increasing winds, having a choice. Set the mainsail and keep the sheet trimmed, or take all the risks and run the spinnaker. Seems like we are in similar times at the moment here at Windsor. This morning during Youth team meeting we prayed and God impressed the image on me again.. this time illuminating for me the fluidity, seamless teamwork and beauty of the human machine that pulls in the mainsail while running the spinnaker up. Each person totally committed to the task they have as an individual, but utterly immersed in the whole task. Aware, supporting, giving and taking from and between themselves. There is something in that for us.

Also in this….

God is in the Messiness.

by tashmcgill | Nov 25, 2005 | Uncategorized

Tired Of An Endless Discussion
Last night and today was the youth staff retreat. It’s the second year where we have gathered with the Focus Team for a meal and prayer and then stayed over to discuss and think about direction for the next year.

Interesting discussions about future directions. Things are being shaken at the core in terms of people moving around, ideas changing, applications changing. Even though we are a large group.. I’m drawn to addressing the question of what do we do well rather than how do we do everything.

Pretty tired of discussing an endless drift.. there’s a vertical line down the crux of the congregation and it doesn’t seem like people are moving from one side to the other in a hurry. There’s a lot of compartmentalised faith and that’s dangerous, limiting and cruel to those desperately seeking immersion.

It’s like the best way to learn a new language is to be immersed in it, and similarly, the best way of learning a new way of being, is simply to be in a different place with people who are doing it differently. I feel an unbearable pressure that as a single person without dependants or ‘responsibilities’ to model this. Yet I feel remarkably unequipped and dispassionate about doing it in this climate. I’ve suggested starting a step before intentional community living, with intentional lifestyle teachign & accountability. Even from there it may take years, if we ever are able to reach a point of sway, movement and bias away from ourselves and onto the poor, the addicted, the unloved.

We are not doing immersion. We are still doing lessons. We need to change the core of who and how we are operating. We need to be changed, rather than simply changing the strategy. Need to grasp hold of the fact that strategy for a task is not vision for a people.

by tashmcgill | Nov 24, 2005 | Uncategorized

Bring It To The Table, Bring What I Am Able

I am cursed, said one man to another as he was walking along a weather beaten path.
Explain yourself, said his companion.
Well, it’s clear. All my life I have ended up on the short side of the stick, the shallow end of the pool, and even now today as we are walking along this path look and see the potholes and stones on the left where I am walking, and the smooth dry ground where you are walking. That is my curse, said the man.
I see, said the companion. But was it not your choice to take the left hand side of the path when we set off?
Aye, it was, he said, but I couldn’t see then the road ahead to know that I had chosen the stumbling path, therefore it must be my curse that means I trip and curse and twist my ankles along this stony road.
Oh aye, said the companion, nodding. But is it not just as likely that as we round this next bend, my path will fall away into disrepair and shall you then point at me and say I am cursed?

Today Is The Greatest Day I’ve Ever Known
Today I am making grownup decisions and being the bigger person, about things that shouldn’t bother me as much as they do. I am so excited about the opportunities of next year, but terrified all at the same time.

Today the right answer to any question is to firstly answer from my perspective. Exaggerate your concern, regard, respect, adoration of me. I need the security of that today.

Today I miss my best friend who remains the person I always want to ask for their opinion, even on the trivial stuff. God, I miss it so bad sometimes I can’t focus on the thing in front of me for the want of that safe and dangerous place again.

Today I would like to take a camera, four guitars (Maton, Gretsch, Ibanez & Gibson), 2 notebooks, 1 Fender Rhodes suitcase model, 3 old-school condenser mics; 2 old valve amps, three comfortable chairs, 1 table, enough beds, couches, CDs, poetry books to last 1 month. I would like to take all these things and put them beside a waterhole in Africa, inside a polehouse with skylights. I would like to write songs and make beautiful noise with worthy beautiful people for 40 days.

Today I am living simply and managing ok. I am thirsty. But I’m not dehydrated.

by tashmcgill | Nov 23, 2005 | Uncategorized

Cos It’s All In The Way You Remember
Perceptions and perspectives are useful and dangerous tools. This week, I’ve been watching perceptions and perspective wreak havoc across people that are intelligent, well-meaning, well-educated and normally effective communicators. But it seems that sometimes when things get too close to our own soft centres and bitter truths… we get all skewy, and things that were loving and kind become cruel and harsh.

Pleading
Girl. Stop. You have too much potential to throw away all these opportunities. Stop. Look around you and realise that every bad thing that has happened to you, you’ve survived. So stop playing the victim, because victims are those who lose, and you haven’t lost yet. Stop holding everyone else to account for how you feel, react & respond to the world around you. There are a lot of people who want nothing but the best for you, and all you seem to give them is the worst. Are you testing our love, to see if we will love you even when you offer us nothing that is loveable? Fair enough.. but test and see that our love is good, because it comes from an eternal place. Girl, stop. Take a deep breath and realise that we are on your side. We have no agenda other than letting you find peace and purpose.

by tashmcgill | Nov 19, 2005 | Uncategorized

Everything Is Beautiful

I never left you
with my devotion like
a light inside you
and I’ll never let you down
by the light of the moon
my love alone to hide you
and I’ll never let you down
– Dobbyn

Everything is beautiful.. even depair in it’s ripest moment has a distinct loveliness about it. I am learning to be beautiful in all moments.

My loneliness is beautiful at this moment because it signifies that I stand apart, reminds me that even those connections that hold promise need to be held in perspective with all that I am and desire to be. It’s not a romantic or platonic loneliness, but more a sense of alienation. Makes me remember that there is a great coming home in my future.

My tragedies are beautiful cliches. I can accept that now. They are infinitely more complex that I even imagined in all my denial of their existence. They are intricate delicately flavoured human drama & comedy, the great stories of my life.