by tashmcgill | Apr 14, 2005 | Uncategorized

The Great Thing

the great thing about temping is that you get to go in and then go out again without too much pressure. you never have to be thinking about the meeting in the morning, the project you should be further ahead with. the invoice you misplaced, the boss you don’t like, the guy in the other corner office that you do.

no, when you’re a temp, you cruise into your desk. you are under no obligation to make pleasant conversation for the sake of maintaining a false sense of ‘family at work’. You can be as silent or as extroverted as you like. No one has grand expectations of you, hence it’s easy to exceed them.

and when you’re a temp like me, quick with picking up new skills, fast with data entry and typing, easily multitasking .. you get to focus most of your conscious attention on the office dynamic. the whining woman who stretches out coffee breaks, bathroom breaks, trips to the stationery cupboard and smoko breaks. the slightly younger woman who is more competent and is too ambitious for her slow-paced administrative environment, who takes careful note of how inefficient her coworkers are. the slightly older, diligent one who works through her lunchbreaks, watching me as I watch everyone else around me.

I Miss My Lovely Girl, Dani
but I will be comforted because my lovely girl Wendy is coming to visit this weekend.

by tashmcgill | Apr 12, 2005 | Uncategorized

Stumbling Towards Bethlehem

the day is long over at least in my mind, but i’m still sitting awake until the sun comes up, there’s just no peace of mind.

i do these things to my own self, feel overwhelmed and then undone at once.
I’m working on assignments and ambitions. I’m slowly falling asleep where I sit, and waiting for morning. i’m going to love closing my eyes in my bed tonight.

Song Of The Moment : The Christmas Song
Dave Matthews

Father up above, why in all this hatred have you filled
Me up with love
Fill me love love love
Love love
And the blood of our children all around.

by tashmcgill | Apr 4, 2005 | Uncategorized

And All The World A Stage & We Are Simply Players Set Upon It

It’s not often that I’ll out and out admit that something doesn’t work. I’m far too prideful for that. I’ll point out the positives and the learning opportunities, as well as face up to that which won’t happen again.

There’s a strange insecurity that’s bred here on the North Shore in particular I think. The ethos of success has become so integral to the fabric of society, that many of the young leaders that I know are afraid to attempt that which may not be successful. It doesn’t bode well for a season of experiementation and augmentation within life and ministry, as well as approaches to ministry.

However, I remain a far too willing experimenteur (n. entrepreneurial experimenter). I am becoming a fervent believer in the Art of Experimentation. Experimenting with ideas, leadership, expression. Experimenting with relationships, communication, arts. Part of this Artform, inevitably becomes the admission of circumstance where evidential failure is greater than the potential learning curve. Sunday night at church was ultimately a great experiment. I think i pushed too many boundaries all at once. I experimented with physical, spiritual, programmatical and social space. I changed the stage layout, the service format, the content and the space for community chatter. Whoops.

This remains my comforting thought. Ultimately my life is comprised mostly of an empty room, like the one above. I have one yearly ritual offering of my best liturgy. In 5 days I put more effort into 8 meetings than all the rest of the years 55 or so gathering points. So for the most part, even in the Monday-Saturday planning.. my life comprises of ideas in an room of empty chairs.

5 days together is a journey, 5 days apart between gatherings is a lifetime of lost continuity and focus.

by tashmcgill | Apr 4, 2005 | Uncategorized

There’s Forever One Day Left
I usually write with a certain amount of obscurity about the deeply interpersonal things in my life. It’s usually because I’m all at once paradoxically shy and trying to be respectful of the fact that just because I live my life in this parallel window; not everyone else involved in my life wants to. Normally, I write just enough so that the people who know, know.

So I have this friend, whom I adore. Unashamedly and unabashedly. I see no reason to not be honest about this. Intellectually stimulating, he makes me laugh and sometimes cry. I find him all at once encouraging, comforting and challenging. His companionship pushes me to pursue greater heights and deeper depths. It’s not always been a relationship in healthy balance though. For a while, I lost it in fact. And whilst it was a good, health-restoring, perspective bringing 6 months; something in me sparked to life again when over the Easter weekend.. things almost went back to normal.

The sad thing is that I’m scared that I’ve lost the art of conversation with him. Where once I could communicate every thought with clarity, now I’m cautious about honesty, for fear that things will be misunderstood and the distance will be put back in place. Not altogether dissimilar from my youthful intermittent intimacy with God. All I am asking is that God will show me the way to honour this fragile gift that inspires me and grows me.. in a way that it will not again be allowed to hamper or restrain me.

My instinct still tells me that a platonic partnership with this follower of Jesus would only give birth to greatness; both in character deepening struggle and achievement. But I am not an easy person, methinks. Too intense, too demanding, too focused, too needy for intimate and intelligent connection. God, shine a light again, where once you showed the way so clearly. There is no path where you do not go ahead of me.

Song Of The Moment : When She Believes
Ben Harper

The good Lord is such a good Lord
With such a good mother too
They have blessed me
In the good graces of you
I have heard a hundred violins crying
And I have seen a hundred white doves flying
But nothing is as beautiful
As when she believes in me

But nothing is as beautiful
As when she believes in me